Does the Gottman method work, or is it just another way to reinforce misogyny? Feminist Advice Friday paid subscriber bonus
Can a few compliments really repair decades of misogynistic abuse?
A reader asks…
I wanted to ask what your stance is on Gottman couples therapy. My husband and I recently started in couples therapy with a practitioner who is Gottman certified, and relies heavily on their teachings and techniques.
Our first few weeks of homework have been to “share fondness and admiration.” I am really struggling with this homework. First of all, my husband is suddenly being very vocal in a positive way, sharing sentiments of gratitude for what I do, giving compliments, etc. However, I went 20 years without this kind of treatment. At the beginning of our relationship, whenever I expressed fondness and admiration for him, he either made fun of me, set it aside, had this air of “Yeah, I know I’m a catch,” and he never reciprocated…unless he wanted something. Over the years, I slowly stopped expressing my fondness and admiration, because all I feel is resentment toward him. Now, I’m being asked to dole it out every day, at least once a day, even though I don’t genuinely feel it.
He used to tell me that he just wasn’t a flowery, romantic guy. He used to tell me it made him anxious to dole out the compliments and thanks, because maybe he’d say the wrong thing or it wouldn’t be considered “enough.” (I never communicated these things, he just assumed, or used these as lame excuses for being a lame ass, unaffectionate partner, unless he wanted sex).
Now, he’s having no trouble expressing his love and admiration for me, now that it is homework from the therapist. I feel like this is a charade. He wants to score a big A+ in the therapist’s office. I told her as much. She said I need to reframe my thinking and be open to accepting the affection and praise. I feel skeptical; suddenly he’s very adept at doing something he told me for 20 years he couldn’t do, wasn’t good at, and was the opposite of his personality. I smell bullshit. As such, I am super struggling with this homework. I don’t lie; it’s just not something I can do. So, I struggle every day to complete the homework. So far, I have been thanking him for going to work and working hard to support our family (which he legit does) and I tell him he looks nice in his work clothes (because he does). But that is all I can come up with, and he called me out on it this week in therapy. I just don’t think this therapist is understanding or grasping that I can’t magically shed resentment that built up over 20 years. I’m hurt and I’m pissed off, and I’m really starting to wonder if the Gottman technique is just another piece of patriarchal garbage. So, I’d love to hear your take on it, if you have any familiarity with it.
This is the second installment in a series I am writing about couples counseling. You can read the full series here.