I struggle to complete paid work. Feminist Advice Friday

A reader has no problem working--but as soon as she's getting paid for it, she loses motivation.

A reader asks…

I wonder if other women have a problem with doing paid work. I find it hard to make money. It's not just that I have trouble getting or keeping jobs, or finding clients (though those are all true as well).

My main concern is that I have trouble making myself sit down to do paid work even when I have it! I feel less compelled by paid work (in the form of job posts, networking events, etc) than I do by volunteer opportunities (boards, volunteer job posts, invitations to volunteer events, etc).

I think that part of this could be undiagnosed ADHD, but I also notice that I have what feels like intense imposter syndrome. It never feels like I know enough, or am good enough at one thing, to really deserve to get paid for it. If I volunteer, people will be grateful whether or not I do an amazing job, so that feels easier. When I'm getting paid, I worry about being able to do a good job and then I procrastinate, and then I worry that people will be mad at me for procrastinating and/or not doing a good enough job.

I feel guilty when I send invoices to clients, like I'm begging. I keep signing up for more classes and coaching because I hope that eventually I might gain enough confidence to "deserve" paid work or to feel like I know what I'm doing. I want to become financially independent for *reasons*, but I worry about being able to support myself because of this mental block I feel like I have about paid work. Do you have any insights on this? Thanks!

My answer

Struggling to get work done is common, perhaps even normal. I’ve procrastinated writing my response to this question, in fact, engaging in distraction after distraction as I do. Life is full. Our brains are full. Society demands far more than is fair from us, and compensates us far too little. No wonder so many of us struggle to get things done.

You are not bad, a failure, or lazy. You’re struggling, like all of us do from time to time. Pay attention to your self-talk, since berating yourself for having these challenges will inevitably make them worse.

I’m going to throw out a couple of ideas, and hope that one or more of them feel helpful. Discard what doesn’t work for you. Readers, I hope you’ll weigh in, too.

Consider looking into pathological demand avoidance (or, in its more recent and less stigmatizing incarnation, persistent demand for autonomy). PDA isn’t a diagnosis, but is often a feature of autism, ADHD, and potentially some other forms of neurodivergence.

A hallmark of PDA is a strong resistance to being told what to do, or to any form of coercion, even when the task is for your own benefit. A child with PDA might lose interest in reading when an adult offers them a reward for reading, or refuse to go to bed even when tired if an adult gives them a firm bedtime. People with PDA have a strong need for independence, and the coercive nature of most work can feel really constraining. If this seems like a match, there are a host of coping tools, and a therapist who is knowledgeable about PDA, as well as progressive (rather than coercive) methods for managing it, could be really helpful.

You mention undiagnosed ADHD. If you have the resources to get a diagnosis, I strongly encourage you to do so. Medication can make a huge difference in your life, and so too can the right therapy. The ADD Society has a number of recommendations for managing adult ADHD that can help you even if you don’t pursue formal treatment.

I spent the first 20 or so years of my life in a state of chronic chaos and disorganization, totally unable to manage my time or my workload. I eventually realized the importance of the right system. My system will not work for everyone, but everyone can find a system that works for them. Spend some time observing your own habits, then try to build a working system that works with rather than against those habits. For example, you might be most productive in the afternoon, need frequent breaks, or struggle to focus after interruptions.

I write more about my organization and time management strategies here.

Procrastination is a form of anxiety. Either you find the tax itself intolerable (think doing your taxes or cleaning), or something about the task triggers your anxiety. I think you already understand this because you have identified several potential drivers of your anxiety: impostor syndrome, mostly.

I think you need to really focus your attention on this anxiety, and on what it is trying to tell you. Perhaps working triggers anxieties around money or class status.

But let’s focus on the impostor syndrome: There’s lots of incredibly valuable work that people are unwilling to pay for (much of this Substack is devoted to it!). If someone is willing to pay you for a task, though, then it’s definitely worth the money. Some reminders that may help you move past this hang-up:

• What would a mediocre white dude do? Of course he’d charge for your work—shamelessly and without apology.

• Did you do the work? Did you spend your time on it? Then you deserve to get paid, because people deserve to get paid for their time.

• Did the other person offer to pay you? Then they want to pay you, and you need to charge them.

While you’re working on this anxiety component, please stop paying for more classes and coaching. In my experience, the overwhelming majority of career coaches and leadership/success classes are worthless scams that do nothing but enrich the faux experts teaching them. There are exceptions to every rule (please don’t come at me if you’re a coach), but I’ve seen far too many “writing coaches” who have never made a dime writing, or “Substack coaches” who haven’t succeeded here to believe this industry has much value. If you do nothing else, stopping this will at least ensure you’re not wasting the very money you struggle to earn.

Finally, let’s talk about the elephant in the room: the deeply exploitative nature of capitalism, and especially capitalist patriarchy. You mention wanting to become financially independent, which likely means you’re trying to escape an abusive situation.

That’s a high pressure situation. The notion of having to work or starve to death—or lose healthcare, or your children, or safety—is incredibly coercive. Many of us are able to conceal the truth of work or starve from ourselves, but it still lingers there in the background, tying work to our deepest fears and hopes.

When the cost of error is so high, it can be difficult to get started. That’s doubly true if you know you’re still not making enough to support yourself. It’s easy to feel like none of it is worth the effort, and to wallow in the frustration and misery of it all. I suspect that’s really what’s going on here.

There are no easy solutions to that challenge, and anyone who tells you that therapy is a magic bullet to solve it doesn’t understand that the material conditions of our lives matter, too. Sometimes, though, just understanding how power dynamics and fear color our lives can remove some of their power.

You’re doing great.

Keep trying. The more you try the better you’ll get at it.

Readers, I’d love to hear your thoughts.