Should I encourage my daughter to get married, or to avoid marriage? Feminist Advice Friday
A reader wonders what to tell her daughter about marriage.
A reader asks…
Should I teach my daughter not to get married so that she isn’t subjected to the random divorce laws that exist around the country?
Or should I teach her marriage is ok provided you have an ironclad prenup including provisions for her potentially becoming a SAHM?
All of this under the assumption that the guy she wants to be with is a healthy human being who treats her as an equal.
I personally believe that men’s effort in the relationship drops precipitously after marriage. It does something psychological where they get more likely to drop into expecting gender roles to be fulfilled and also just feeling they don’t need to try anymore because they “got the girl.” On top of a point you have made previously that men feel marrying women is doing them a big favor. Which they feel gives them permission to take without giving going forward.
Yes a healthy guy wouldn’t act like this after marriage. I believe living together w/o marriage would make it less likely for a guy to devolve into selfishness so I am inclined to advise my daughter not to get married.
My answer
I really appreciate this question, because it cuts to the very heart of my work: Should we encourage girls to get married? Is marriage good for women?
The answer to both is a resounding no, but the answer to your question is much more complicated.
First, I want to point out that you’re assuming she will marry a man. Most girls do indeed grow up to be heterosexual, so that’s a fair assumption. But I wonder about why you so explicitly are making that assumption. She could grow up to date and marry women, which would greatly reduce her risk of exposure to many different types of violence. Sexuality is complicated, and no one knows exactly why we love the people we do, but socializing your daughter to expect that she will one day love a man is, I believe, something that may decrease her likelihood of choosing the safer option: a woman.
So please don’t talk about the “guy” she’s going to love one day or marry, and instead remain open to the possibility that she will fall for a woman, a non-binary person, or for no one at all. The choice isn’t marry a man or live with a man. It’s marry a man compared to thousands of other (almost always better) options.
I realize this might seem like I’m playing language police or picking at you, but I think these subtle forms of indoctrination are really important—far more important, in fact, than what we explicitly tell our kids. Our kids pay attention to what we model, to what we convey with our behavior, to what we don’t say from birth. She’s watching you, and you must ensure that the messages you give her are both consistent with your values and consistent with the best possible chance at a good life. I would rather you focus on this than on what to explicitly advise her about marriage.
Because here’s the reality: Parents have nearly infinite power to reinforce or counteract cultural messages and norms, but their power to explicitly tell their children what to do with their future is limited.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give her advice, of course. I would not advise her to get married with a prenup. In most marriages, the children are the tool the man uses to control the woman, and no prenup can stop this. So while a prenup might protect her financially somewhat, it will not protect her children.
I would instead talk to your daughter about healthy relationship norms, and model them in your own relationship with her as much as possible.
Your daughter is very likely to disregard whatever explicit information you give her about marriage, but she can learn a lot from the daily conversations you have with her. Patriarchal socialization begins in utero and happens constantly. It is intense, and no single person can totally counteract it. But you can foster critical thinking with ongoing conversations. Here are some tips that may help:
Don’t normalize harmful relationships. Use media and real-world experiences as a chance to call out harmful relationships. For example, my daughter and I watch Gilmore Girls and talk frequently about how every relationship in the show is extremely dysfunctional and patriarchal.
Be explicit with your child that most marriages are harmful. I use scripts like, “Daddy and I have a great marriage, but in most marriages, the daddy is mean to the mommy and kids and the mommy does more work than the daddy.” I also point to explicit examples whenever I see them.
Raise her in an environment where abusive behavior is never normalized. If you don’t yell at her or call her names, that will never feel to her like love.
Be mindful of the subtle and deeply harmful roles of gender socialization and gender essentialism. Correct it every time you encounter it. Every single time someone talks about her appearance or how girls “naturally” are in front of her, let her see you correct that nonsense.
Don’t romanticize weddings, dating, or liking men. Adopt a completely neutral stance to these subjects when she brings them up, and delay exposing her to princess/romantic media for as long as possible.
Talk to her frequently about what a good relationship looks like, red flags, and what to do if a relationship doesn’t make her happy.
Nurture her interests and her self-esteem, which can help protect her from the draw of an unhealthy relationship.
Let her see you demanding better from men.
Finally, if you are going to tell her something explicitly, tell her this: That you are always on her side, will always believe her, and that she can always come home. Then make sure your actions reflect that promise—by ensuring no adult touches her without consent; by taking her side against bullies (including, and especially, adult bullies with power); by always supporting her.
Readers, what could your parents have done to help you choose better relationships, or to help you escape bad ones?
This, a million times.
I'd love to know more about your Gilmore Girls critique.