This is an older letter that I’m revisiting. Sometimes I update older columns so that new readers can enjoy them and older readers can revisit them. You can submit your own Feminist Advice question by using this form. And if you’d like to offer an update, please do! Use this form to do so.

A reader asks…

Things seemed fine, even good, when it was just me and my husband. But once my son was born everything changed. He was not just unhelpful but cruel at times. Why the 180 once a child is introduced to the relationship?

My answer

For many of us, having a child is the first time in our lives that constant work became absolutely mandatory. You can’t ignore a hungry baby, or prioritize your sleep or your hobbies when a child needs you. You can literally go to jail for doing these things.

So someone has to step up when the baby comes, and it’s almost always mothers.

In my experience supporting women over the years, it’s not that the man changes when a child arrives. It’s that a child requires an increase in effort and emotional intelligence, and he refuses to scale up. Because he refuses to learn new skills, he becomes more and more dysregulated, unpleasant, and abusive.

Consider this example (and please don’t come at me about the precise hourly amounts; I’m only giving an example): Let’s say your house requires an hour of maintenance (cleaning, pets, cooking, etc.) a day before you have kids. If he does 10 or 20 minutes of that work, you’re going to feel like things are pretty equal, because patriarchy tells you doing “slightly” more (really double) what he’s doing is ok.

If you have a kid, your daily household maintenance is going to increase. Let’s say it’s now three hours of household labor, plus the many hours of parenting. If he continues doing 20 minutes a day, things are going to be catastrophically unequal.

But maybe he’ll double or triple his labor. He’ll feel like he’s really stepped up, because he’s doing so much more. But he’s really doing 30 or 40 minutes to your, say, 150 minutes. And that’s going to occur in a context where you’re recovering from birth and he’s not—and in which you’re probably going to end up doing all or most of the direct parenting labor, too.

He won’t spend much time thinking about how much more you’re doing, because men aren’t socialized to notice women or our needs, or to consider that they might owe a woman any particular duty of care. The cruelty comes from his sense of entitlement. You’ll be giving him less attention, and your new life will demand more of him. He’ll blame you, and take it out on you, rather than giving you the love and adoration you deserve for making a new life.

This is how things spiral in relationships that seem fairly equal. But there are other factors, too:

• Increased demands for emotional labor. Parenting requires exhausting, near-constant emotional labor. Men are taught that this labor is trivial and unimportant. So they avoid it, and demean it. You may have seen early signs of this refusal to engage in emotional labor in his unwillingness to learn your needs, to resolve conflict, to be a supportive friend, or to learn to better manage his own emotions.

• The challenge of learning new skills. Parenting is a skill. It requires tremendous patience and intellect. In patriarchy, this labor is optional for men. Women are left to fill in all the gaps, and told that no matter what they do, it’s wrong.

• Laziness. Patriarchy allows men to be lazy. Indeed, minimizing men’s work, stress, and inconvenience is the central mission of patriarchy. Having children is a lot of work, and men who have not done significant internal work don’t really care if foisting that labor onto a woman ultimately destroys her psyche.

• Lack of commitment. From birth, men are socialized to view women as useful objects, and to see marriage as a gift men give to women. Their commitment to their partners as independent human beings tends to be low. If a woman can’t service a man exactly as he desires, patriarchy tells him it’s fine not to care about her. You may have seen this early on in fear of commitment, mixed messages, or a general lack of warmth and love. Often, though, the full scope of the low commitment doesn’t become apparent until a baby arrives.

• Feelings about women, birth, and bodies. When you were dating, he probably said or did inappropriate things about women’s bodies—commenting on women’s weight, being grossed out by periods, etc. Those might have seemed small at the time. When your body makes a human, though, it depends on support to stay healthy. If he finds the process gross or sees you only as a sexual object, that is going to become apparent in neglect of your physical needs, and perhaps a volley of emotional abuse.

• Becoming a caretaker. Most men have never been expected to provide sustained care for another person, and in fact believe that they are entitled to limitless care. When faced with the reality that they must care not only for a baby but for the woman who made the baby, many of them wither into resentment. If you reflect on it, you’ll probably realize that you have experienced other moments at which your partner has been reluctant to provide care for you or others.

So he’s not really doing a 180 at all; he’s just doing more of the same while your world has completely changed. Because a core rule of patriarchy is that men should not have to change to accommodate women (or children).

Patriarchy has conditioned women, too: to keep giving men chances, to ignore red flags, and to treat obvious problems as trivial. Perhaps most importantly, it socializes us to believe that we are allowed neither to want nor ask for things. For this reason, most of us are reluctant to discuss the nitty gritty of parenting, pregnancy, postpartum, and life together until we’re already stuck with a man who has never given a single thought to any of these topics.

Your husband—most husbands—didn’t really change. He remained his old self while you evolved into a parent. Parenthood demanded more. This demand overwhelmed him, so he brought even less. Because he’s always thought it was fine to buy his free time with your labor.

A few quick administrative notes

I’m going to have this on posts for a while, so that everyone has all the info. Sorry if it’s annoying.

Algorithm changes on social media are punishing feminist creators, and political crackdowns in the US are making our work more dangerous. As a result, several of you have very kindly asked what you can do to better support my work. If you’re here reading, that’s enough. Please don’t feel obligated to do more. But if my work has helped you in any way, there are lots of great ways to show your support:

1. Become a paid subscriber if you can afford it. If you have significant financial resources, you can become a sustaining subscriber, which is a higher level. You can also sign up on Patreon to help fund scholarships. Scholarship requests currently outnumber paid subscribers 3:1, so helping with these helps us all! You can ALSO, if you are interested, contact me directly about paying for scholarships. Email zawn@zawn.net.

2. Engage, substantively, with multiple words, with my page on Facebook. The algorithm rewards posts that get lots of early engagement. Doing the same on Instagram helps.

3. Follow me on BlueSky. This is the backup spot if Facebook ever kicks me off.

4. Leave positive reviews for the podcast on your favorite podcast app. This will ultimately determine whether there's a season three or not. Positive reviews are hugely helpful—the single most important thing you can do to support the podcast.

5. Share my work! Put up stickers! Post my work on social media!

6. Hit the "heart" button on every Substack post, which increases visibility in the algorithm.

I also have a FAQ section on my website that answers a lot of questions I tend to get all the time, so check it out.

If you truly cannot afford a subscription, I offer scholarships. Simply email zawn@zawn.net, and put “substack scholarship” in the subject line. In the body of your email, please tell me that you cannot afford a membership. You do not have to provide proof.

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This is a greatly updated and expanded version of an older post. I hope you love it! I’m currently surveying women about their relationship preferences. Please consider taking the survey here.

A reader asks…

What is the best way to engage [American] women that are politically apathetic despite their rights having been taken away, and are still being eroded?

This is a huge problem amongst women, even those that are left-learning. I am a "bull in the China shop" type of person, though I know logically the best way to catch flies is with honey and my often abrasive personality is not received well.

My first instinct is to call them handmaids and inform them their complacency is complicity, but obviously that shuts down the conversion before it even begins. I am also a person that "gets shit done" and I find it difficult to continue to advocate for people that appear near completely apathetic about the very real potential loss of their own rights.

Read more

I’m currently surveying readers about their experiences with sex, and will release the data soon. Participate by clicking this link.

A reader asks…

I've heard several stories from women now about how men they dated that seemed really nice and onboard with their beliefs early on later turned out to be conservative with very anti-feminist beliefs.

Apparently, these men were just nodding along to whatever their partners were saying about politics and their own beliefs until much later. This scares me.

How can I check for a man's actual beliefs? How can I tell he's not just nodding along to keep me around because he knows I wouldn't agree with him otherwise? Finding out a man I thought I had a lot in common with or agreed on core values with has been lying about his beliefs and secretly doesn't respect me or my beliefs at all is such a horror nightmare scenario to me.

My answer

A couple of years ago, I answered a question about whether women choose bad men, or are conned by convincing liars. I argued that the signs are always there, and that misogynistic men are not lying geniuses. Instead, they prey on women’s patriarchal socialization to give men the benefit of the doubt.

This doesn’t mean you’re wrong about men who play a long con. They absolutely do. In fact, the more I see of heterosexual marriages, the more I come to believe that most of these men were conning their spouses to some degree or another.

The deception is very real. Men are aware that women don’t want to date abusers, sexists, or liars. But patriarchy also teaches them that they are entitled to extract whatever they want from women. The extraction of sex, labor, emotional support and more confers massive benefits, especially when men don’t return the favor.

This creates quite the conundrum: Heterosexual romance is a great deal for men, and they don’t want to give up those benefits. Yet women are increasingly repulsed by men who advertise their misogyny. So men have to keep it under wraps.

They smile and nod. They say they’re feminists. They pretend to agree. But here’s the critical point:

They do this because it is easy.

Saying the right words requires almost no effort. This is why what men say about themselves means nothing, and why a man’s identity as a “nice guy” is wholly irrelevant to how he will treat you (and often signals that he feels entitled to certain services). You might root out a few men who deeply identify with misogynist politics if you ask the right questions. Mostly, though, you’ll find he smiles, nods, or gives a one-word answer.

This is why it is so important to look at his behavior. You must see his behavior over time, in many contexts, and in stressful situations. Don’t believe his excuses. Don’t give him the benefit of the doubt. Look at how he behaves, and consider that this is the very best it will ever be. Faced with the stress of a long-term marriage, a baby, the myriad of losses and challenges couples face together, his behavior will be worse.

You should see a pattern of a man who is willing to do the hard work of a relationship, who is willing to change his behavior when necessary, and who makes sacrifices for the benefit others.

Some things to focus on include:

• How does he handle conflict? Does he say a few words and seek to brush it under the rug? Does he get aggressive? Or does he put in the time and effort to come to a solution, then sustain the change this solution demands?

• Does he display equitable, feminist behavior, or just talk about it?

• How does he behave when challenged about his own behavior? What about the behavior of men more generally? It’s easy to identify as a feminist, but how does he handle the specifics? Try referring him to my Deconstructing Masculinity series. Does he get defensive and act like a victim? Or does he use it as a catalyst for change?

• How does he react when you tell him no or question him?

• Does he seem aligned with men? Does he take personal offense to commentary about men? Does he reflexively side with men?

• How do you feel in your relationship? Are you at ease? Or are you constantly trying to understand why he does what he does?

The key to reducing risk—not eliminating it—in romantic relationships is to move slowly and retain as much independence as possible. Believe what you see, and don’t let your emotions or desire to be loved override your logic.

Perhaps most importantly, reflect on whether you are ready to date men. Readiness requires a willingness to critically assess men’s behavior, and to not fawn. I write more about this here. I write here about how to build a relationship escape plan that makes it easier to leave if you must.

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Submit your own Feminist Advice question using this form. If you have previously submitted a question that I answered, I would love an update. Use this form to share your update with readers.

I’m currently surveying readers about their experiences with sex, and will release the data soon. Participate by clicking this link.

A reader asks…

I'd love your thoughts on this one. I have 3 boys, the eldest is 3-and-a-half-years-old and has been in early entry Kindergarten this year (standard age to attend Kindergarten here is the year they turn 4, so he's done an extra year early and repeats next year, before starting formal schooling the year after). So, he's younger than most of his peers, and not diagnosed but I suspect some sort of neurodivergence too.

I have tried very hard to keep things like clothing and color preferences neutral - pink is not just for girls, etc. And I generally let him choose what he wears.

We've had a few episodes recently of complete meltdown about not wanting to go to kindy (where previously it was a positive thing) and suspect he has been having trouble with a particular classmate, although nothing has been confirmed.

Today, my husband attended the end of year celebration (I was unable to make it) and noticed one of the other children described my son's shoes as "girly", these shoes are a hand-me-down from a friend with daughters, and they are navy blue with little pink hearts printed all over - he also has a second pair of the exact same shoes with sailing boats instead, but he prefers the hearts.

My husband is now suggesting that we limit his wardrobe/ actively discourage him from wearing overly "girly" things out in public, because he's worried that it might be contributing to becoming a target for bullying - "painting a target on his back". He wants to protect our boy, especially because our son is relatively immature in a lot of social ways, and certainly not sophisticated enough to navigate bullying that targets things like choosing pink clothes.

I'm torn - I was bullied terribly in primary school so I'm extremely motivated to protect my children from that; but I'm deeply angry at the idea that in order to protect my sons I would need to discourage/disrupt their natural preferences and thus essentially perpetuate harmful gendering of things like colours or toys.

What would you suggest we do?

Read more

A reader asks…

Can you please explain why my ex husband turned nasty after the split? I gave him so many chances to step up. It’s like he never thought I’d follow through with the split. The post separation emotional abuse has absolutely shocked me. And have I uncovered his true personality?

My answer

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I’m also sorry to tell you that this is very much the norm. I’ve done two surveys of divorced women here and here, and their exes’ attempts to ruin their lives are a recurring theme.

It compels the question: Why are divorced men so angry? Men are constantly trying to convince us that they are the prize, that marriage is good for women and bad for men, and that we should settle quickly before we’re left alone and single. If that were really true, men would be thrilled to exit their marriages, not angry.

Men get angry about divorce because marriage benefits them, and they don’t want to lose those benefits. It’s really as simple as that.

Men have been socialized to view relationships as entitlements. As a result, many men—especially the worst men—think that a woman must stay with them for as long as they want to be with her. If she leaves, she’s done something she isn’t allowed to do, and therefore must be punished. Her permanent unhappiness was fine; his loss of access is not.

So yes, you are finally seeing his true personality. Here’s what I mean by that:

You obviously decided to divorce him for some reason. It sounds like it was the usual imbalance of labor/general exploitation. When you were married, he likely found all sort of ways to enforce those norms. I’ve written a whole series about the various ways men retain access to women’s labor.

When you left him, he no longer had to maintain his nice guy facade. So he unmasked. He’s showing you that this is who he has been all along: someone who feels entitled to your services, without offering you much in return.

Many women spend years buying their partners’ excuses. They try to communicate better. They assume they have different standards. They blame neurodivergence. When they leave, the mask comes off. Men reveal that they were always entitled misogynists who think women owe them endless labor.

That’s what this is about with your ex. He has always been this person; it’s just that for some period of time, different tactics work better. When abusive men don’t get what they want, they escalate their abuse. You can’t stop him from doing this. You can only protect yourself to the best of your ability.

I’ve written more about dealing with post-separation abuse here. Rest assured, you are not alone and this is not your fault.

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This is a reprint of an older column, with updated information and advice. I hope you enjoy it!

The original letter-writer sent me an update on their situation. You can read that update here. Readers love updates on past columns! If you’ve written before, I’d love to hear your update, however small. You can use this form.

Bad Advice Friday is a twist on my usual Feminist Advice Friday. In this semi-regular column, I look at the bad advice other columnists have given. The bad advice is often rooted in patriarchal norms, in the idea that women’s emotions really don’t matter, and in the cultural practice of centering men’s desires at the expense of women’s needs. You can find a complete list of previous bad advice columns here.

The problem

A woman writes to Slate with a common problem: Her partner does not get her gifts for her birthday. She’s asked him to change this, but it doesn’t change.

The letter itself is a rich text of patriarchal bullshit. Her husband initially refused to commit to her, she drops hints about what she needs but can’t communicate directly, and there’s zero evidence of anything of value this man brings to the relationship. Instead, her partner frames committing to her as a gift in itself—because, of course, in the patriarchal mindset, the man is the gift and the woman is nothing.

Our fearless advice giver is a beloved couples therapist who seems to have looked up patriarchal bullshit in the encyclopedia and then committed herself to embodying it as well as possible.

Read more

A reader asks…

Can you write an article on how a woman can tell if a man hates women? Not just in a romantic situation, but male relatives (fathers for example), male friends, colleagues, etc.

My answer

This is such a great question, because most men do not advertise their misogyny. Instead, they seek to actively conceal it because they know it renders them unfuckable for most women. This is why telling women to choose better is so problematic. Men actively attempt to undermine women’s ability to choose the men with whom they have relationships by pretending to be people they’re not.

Men know that women don’t want assholes. So they pretend not to be assholes. Then, when the woman is trapped and they become an asshole, they pretend that women choose assholes and therefore deserve abuse.

It’s enraging, and it’s not limited to romantic relationships. We see this in families, too, where dads pretend to be loving, doting fathers, only to abuse children in private. Or worse, dads will treat some members of the family well, while abusing others, so they can weaponize various family members against one another. Bosses, too, do this, pretending to run competent, caring workplaces, then turning into bullies or sexual predators.

Being able to be nice some of the time, especially when people are watching and especially when kindness is personally beneficial, is a hallmark of an abuser. Yet people continue to believe that abusers are abusive to everyone all the time, and assume that a positive experience with an abuser means they must not actually be abusive.

It’s maddening.

I think one of the errors we make is in framing patriarchal behavior as necessarily rooted in hatred of women. A growing number of men do indeed hate women, and a larger number of men hate some women and weaponize misogyny in service of hurting them. But if we only look for those guys, or only assume that men who really hate women are the dangerous ones, we’ll miss a lot of dangerous men.

Because, as I’ve argued before, patriarchy isn’t actually about hating women. Men can feel affection and love for women and still mistreat them. Patriarchy is a system for creating and preserving men’s access to resources at the expense of women. Men see no conflict between taking from women and loving them. And in fact, because they are socialized to believe in their right to certain things—sex, love, more opportunities at work—when women interfere with their ability to access these resources, they see women as abusers. And when someone is behaving abusively, you’re allowed to defend yourself.

So raping your partner isn’t actually rape. It’s taking what’s yours. Doing less than an equitable share of household labor isn’t exploitation. It’s fairness. And when you confront him with this behavior, he reminds you that he loves women! He’s a feminist! You’re just being unreasonable!

You don’t need to be guarding against men who “hate” women. You need to guard against men who behave badly toward women.

Doing that is tricky, because men know we don’t like men who treat us badly. It’s tricky for another reason, too: Patriarchy socializes us to ignore red flags, to make excuses for men, and often to be attracted to the very behaviors that harm us most. This is not our fault. I’m not blaming women. But we must acknowledge that patriarchal socialization harms women, too.

That’s because, though men attempt to hide their misogyny, they don’t have to try very hard—and they don’t want to, either, since acting with decency over a long period of time is a real pain in the ass.

Most men show their misogyny nearly immediately if you pay close enough attention.

I have yet to meet an abusive man who actually concealed his misogyny and abuse. It’s just that a lot of his behavior is considered “normal” in patriarchy, and women are taught to accept whatever is normal rather than ask what is best for themselves.

Several months ago, a male publisher reached out to me to talk about publishing a book of my work. He worked for a respected publishing house and was familiar with what I had written. He spent the first 30 minutes of our conversation nodding in agreement with what I said.

Perhaps if I had stopped the conversation there, I might have come away with a favorable impression. But then I gave him a chance to talk. He immediately told me about his “nice guy” friend who neglects his kids and wife, while also telling me misogyny isn’t a problem in his circle. He showed me his whole asshole within an hour of meeting me.

This is an educated man, who considers himself a feminist, and who was actively courting me. Yet even in this scenario, he couldn’t commit to the work of concealing his misogyny for more than a few minutes.

Twenty-year-old me would have told myself he’s a great and nice guy for even talking to me about feminism, and that maybe misogyny isn’t a problem in his circles.

Twenty-five-year-old me would have thought that maybe he just needed more of an education.

Forty-year-old me doesn’t give a fuck why he thinks this way, nor why he shared these thoughts with me. I’m concerned about myself, not him. What matters to me is that, had I continued the discussion, I could have been stuck working with a misogynist on a feminist book.

Rather than trying to suss out the secret signs that men “hate” women, we need to pause, slow down, and look at their behavior. Bad men reveal themselves quickly.

We need to do something even more important, too: We need to ask ourselves how our behavior would change if a man turned out to be bad, and then we need to act on the assumption that he is.

It doesn’t harm men for us to not trust them. No one is advocating for hurting men, or even being mean to them. Rather, the goal is to stop putting more trust in them than they deserve. That means not getting married right away, or signing away your rights in a prenup, or trusting your sexually predatory boss instead of hiring a lawyer.

Assume that a man is going to screw you, and take action to protect yourself. Good men are not offended by this—and they’re also not harmed by it.

I suppose that’s another thing you can do, too. Assess how a man behaves when you work to protect yourself. Because there’s no reason for a decent man to demand trust or object to self-protective behaviors.

Believe behavior, and protect yourself. You owe no one the benefit of the doubt. Instead of trying to suss out whether a man is good or bad, whether he hates women, whether he’s a nice guy, ask yourself how he is affecting you and the women around you in the moment. Then ask yourself how trusting him might affect your life.

Pay attention to his behavior. He will always reveal who he truly is.

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A reader asks…

I’ve been a reader of yours for years. Your Substack helped me get through the tough years of my marriage, my divorce, and the open waters after. Thank you for the work that you do.

The TLDR is: How do you reckon with the pain that women cause each other? How do you reckon with women claiming they support each other when they’re in the teeth of patriarchy, but then abandon one another after?

I am a feminist and activist who has been deeply hurt by women. I have decentered men, and focus on my dreams and cultivating friendships. However, in the difficult days of my marriage, I feel I was misled to believe that if I left my toxic man, women would be waiting for me with open arms. They were, but only for, like, a second. All of the pain in my life since my divorce has come from the mistreatment of women. I have never been more alone, more guarded as I make new friends.

For example: When I first announced I wanted a divorce, I was hanging by a thread, emotionally and financially. A friend invited me abroad for a girls’ vacation to rejuvenate me. Then, she kept changing our plans and finally vacationed with her boyfriend instead. I was already abroad and had an exciting solo trip on my own, but it cost more than I expected. And I was so lonely I stayed with my husband for another, miserable year.

Around that time, my estranged mother contacted me, expressing how much she wanted to make an effort to be a better parent. Slowly, I allowed her back into my life. But as soon as I started the divorce process for real, she vanished into thin air. When she reached out again, casually asking how I was, the divorce was over, the lawyer paid with a credit card.

And so it went. With new female friends, with communities, with groups of so-called feminists. I would attempt to rebuild my social life after the divorce, strive to create a ‘found family’ of women who share my values, and they would treat me much as men had. The only difference is that because we were all ‘feminists,’ I let my guard down. I had hope. These women proudly shared memes about ‘taking up space,’ being the 'daughters of the witches they couldn't burn,' etc., or were even pursuing research on gender issues. The moment I had a true need, or wanted to navigate a difference, they'd spit in my face, and were gone.

And you know what? These women, these so-called feminists? They’re just as shitty as the men. And I’m sick of it.

So am I really fighting the patriarchy, or is it just humans being shitty to other humans, and it happens that some have more power, so their harm is exacerbated?

Sincerely,

Still a feminist, but one who hates everyone equally

Read more

A reader asks…

Do you have any scripts to gently but firmly communicate to a mother-in-law that me and her son will never have kids of our own (by choice)?

Some context. My partner is a high-value man in the sense you talk about: an equal partner, taking his fair share in household labor, emotionally supportive, invested in the relationship, and pretty much a "lesbian" life-mate to me (I'm bi, so it's important - and I wouldn't accept anything less). We are not planning on having kids cause we both have other life aspirations, careers, queer friends/found family, and interests that are more important - plus, we're happy this way (which should be enough reason).

When it comes to his mother, I respect her very much for raising four great kids (my awesome partner one of them) and for generally living an impactful life serving her community. I'm really trying to not antagonize her in the "classic" daughter-in-law VS mother-in-law way (which is what patriarchy wants me to do). However, she has very different values from me and her son. She's more conservative and family-oriented, strongly believing in things like "raising children is the highest calling one can have (especially women)". She's completely baffled by the fact that we aren't going down the traditional road, not getting married, not settling down in her beloved suburbs, not giving her grandchildren. Apparently, to her, the fact that her son and I have built a truly equitable, mutually supportive and satisfying relationship which has been lasting for over a decade (at the extent that we feel very much in love to this day - I know how rare and unique that is) isn't a big deal: to her, the only measure of our relationship is whether we have children or not.

My partner feels as stuck as I do, not wanting to hurt his mother by being too upfront about the topic, so we generally simply avoid talking about it when we meet his family. But the pressure is there, I can feel it in subtle messages and comments from his ma. About how this and that of our age is having their second child by now. About how this and that flat in the neighborhood is becoming available, aren't we interested, it's perfect for a new family. About how travelling all the time is getting odd, cause we're not getting any younger. She used to be supportive of my career when I was in my twenties, but these days I cannot tell when was the last time (certainly years ago) that she showed any appreciation of what I've been achieving.

I'm trying to understand her side. She raised four children (I real feat, I'm aware - I grew up in a large family too so I know how hard even one child is) and has a husband who may feel like the gold standard in her generation (a non-abusive, hard-working, quiet man who supported her to become a "successful" stay-at-home mother, at the extent that she could build an identity around this role: look at her, it's possible, you just have to pick the right person and invest into the right values). So now, when she sees that I have her son (the "right" kind of person) it makes no sense to her why I'd refuse to have children with him. From her perspective, I'm entitled and selfish, and her son deserves better.

What can we do? How can we tell her that we don't wish to deal with the bullshit that comes with raising children in this society (the unequal treatment of mothers and fathers, the sexist attitudes/expectations, etc) when she doesn't even see those as problems? We have tried to communicate that we are helping to build a better future in other ways (e.g. social activism), hoping that would impress/convince her, but she wasn't moved (in fact, she said she didn't believe in political activism and kinda shamed us for it; one should focus on improving the small-scale, everyday-life things around oneself, was her opinion).

Removing her from our lives is not an option, so we need some ways to enforce healthy boundaries. Are there scripts we can use when she applies the "subtle" pressure? Or should we confront her directly again, hoping this time would make her see/accept our side? Or is it an "us" thing, needing to learn to shrug off her opinions, and just live our lives? Thanks in advance.

My answer

This is such a common problem. I hate how patriarchy weaponizes women who want children (and their supporters) against those who do not (and their supporters). This silly dispute is destroying what could otherwise be a healthy relationship, in service of nothing but propping up patriarchy. What a waste of time and suffering.

I admire the great care you’ve taken to share her position and be compassionate toward her. It’s clear you love her and want to do the right thing by everyone here. Taking another person’s perspective can be tough, and it’s clear you’re quite good at it.

In this case, though, I think you are focusing too much on her perspective and not enough on your right to peace.

When my husband and I married, my dad gave us some advice that has turned out to be incredibly true: Almost all in-law problems are actually spouse problems, and it is your spouse’s responsibility to manage the problems their family causes in your marriage. This doesn’t mean they should have to deal with those issues alone, but it does mean that it is their job to make the first effort at reining in their family.

One line of your letter reveals a lot: “From her perspective, I’m entitled and selfish, and her son deserves better.” Why is your husband allowing her to think this? This is his problem to deal with, and it sounds like he has outsourced this to you.

He needs to be very clear with her that this is his choice, not yours. You’re not having children because neither of you want them—not because the big mean feminist has imposed this on her poor little son. He needs to be the main person advocating for this decision, and he needs to make clear that he will not tolerate any attempt to guilt you.

As I’ve written before, boundaries are not rules you impose on other people. They’re not attempts to change other people’s opinions, either. Boundaries are rules for how you will behave to protect yourself.

Your partner should be setting boundaries like:

• If you speak negatively about my spouse or bring up grandchildren, the conversation will end.

• If you treat my spouse like she is selfish, our time together will end.

• We will spend less time with you if this conversation continues.

As a couple, your focus needs to shift away from changing her mind and toward protecting your shared peace. The main problem I’ve seen here is that you think you have to convince her to agree with your decisions. I suspect this derives from a mother-son relationship that is too enmeshed, with too few boundaries.

You don’t have to change her mind, and in fact, I doubt you can. The constant pressure to argue with her and convince her is part of a cycle of control that keeps you defending decisions you do not have to defend. You are allowed to not want kids, with or without her approval.

So you and your partner need to tell her this is your decision, and that there will be no further discussion. She’s allowed to feel however she wants, but she cannot take that out on you or try to change your mind. Why, after all, would any sane person want to force kids on someone else?

Then hold the line. No, you won’t debate. No, you won’t continue the discussion.

I worry, though, about your unwillingness to cut her out of your life if necessary. I agree that cutting her off over this alone would be unnecessary, and I admire your commitment to family relationships. But when you are unwilling to draw a specific sort of boundary if necessary, that often points to a deeper issue. I wonder if there’s a pattern of dependence and enmeshment between your husband and his mother, and if that is what this behavior reflects.

I hope you’ll consider that possibility. This is your husband’s problem to address, ultimately, not yours.

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A reader asks…

This was submitted in response to this article on building lasting community. Many readers asked similar questions, so I feel this is an important query to address:

What if you're the person who ends up giving up because you're the only one trying and everyone else is flaking?

Read more

There will not be a traditional Liberating Motherhood podcast episode this Wednesday. Instead, I will be doing a live audio show ask me anything session at 8:30 Eastern standard time. You’ll be able to submit questions live, but you can also submit a question in advance. When the show is live, subscribers will get an email notification. Submit an advance question here.

I’ve been doing a monthly short answer column for a couple of months now. In these columns, I address questions that I wouldn’t normally devote a full column to. And what I’ve found is that these columns often create a cohesive whole, demonstrating more about my philosophy and approach to heterosexual relationships. In this column, I’ll be answering questions about:

• Household inequity is destroying my health but I can’t leave.

• What are reasonable accommodations for a man with autism?

• My boyfriend keeps asking for anal sex. Should I break up with him?

• Why do men state their beliefs as fact?

• Are we really not entitled to love? And if love is a choice, should people stay married to people who don’t love them?

• Is it fair for my new feminist beliefs to place new demands on my husband?

• How do I get my ex-husband to stop falsely accusing me of yelling?

• Do patriarchal dynamics also persist in our families of origin?

• Should I be honest when my friends ask if I like their boyfriends?

• Is there a lot of crossover between narcissism and patriarchy?

How do you deal with a husband who leaves messes everywhere and doesn’t clean them up? And claims to “not see” it? And when I ask him to do things, he gets mad and says “make me a list of what you think I do” because he thinks he’s the one who’s actually doing all the work? “Just leave” is advice I wish I could follow, but I can’t. How do I lower my anxiety and be happy in a relationship like this? I’m becoming ill because of the chronic stress.

Do you think that this is what you deserve forever? Do you think it’s ok for your husband to make you physically ill, shorten your life, and erode your hopes for the future?

Start with why you can’t leave. I believe you when you say you can’t leave right now, but settling for this life forever is not an option. It’s time to begin building your exit plan.

You deserve more than this.

Hi Zawn,

Thank you so much for your column. I'm married to a man who just got diagnosed with autism a year ago (at age 40). There are so many layers to his behavior - autism, cultural, gender, trauma, family culture, personality, etc - its hard to know how to even tease apart what is what - and he is just on the start of that very rocky journey.

My wondering is - how do I define what is a legitimate accommodation for autism vs. what is something he needs to just figure out how to do? How do I/we adjust accommodations over time, as he grows and changes (and also as my capacity grows and changes)?

One recent accommodation I've stopped making is to apologize for how my normal, everyday emotions impact him (when they haven't crossed a clear line) - and it is causing him to completely implode, because I think it is making him realize that his reactions are going to be his own to deal with. I think he has resentment towards me because of that, but that's not mine to bear either. Anyways, I'm kind of wondering what other things might constitute as accommodations that I am doing inadvertently or need to stop making, and which others I should keep.

Thank you again for everything you do!

You’re centering him. You’re asking what he’s entitled to, and trying to sort through which thing is causing which behavior. Why isn’t he doing any of this work? It’s not because of his autism.

You are not a human accommodation. It doesn’t matter why he demands certain behaviors of you. What matters is whether this is a life you can tolerate.

And while we are at it: Does he make any accommodations for you, ever?

When we frame our relationships in terms of what the man needs, we inevitably do more work than what is fair.

Instead, let’s start here: What do you need? And are you getting it from this man? If not, then there’s no point in even thinking about accommodations.

Autism is not a free pass out of household labor, parenting, or being a decent partner.

My boyfriend asked to do anal play a second time after I already said no during sex. I do enjoy doing it, but wasn’t in the mood for it that particular night. I’m upset he asked a second time. I think I’m going to break up with him but I need advice.

My advice is that you should break up with him.

I want to reshape this question for you a little bit, and draw your attention to its structure, because it reveals something.

You tell me you think you’re going to break up with your boyfriend, but you need advice. You don’t say what about—Is it about how to safely break up? Whether breaking up is reasonable? What’s normal in a relationship? Something else entirely?

I get the sense from this phrasing that you feel like you need outside input to justify your relationship decisions. You don’t. If you want to break up with your boyfriend, break up with him. In fact, the moment a woman considers even maybe breaking up with her boyfriend, it’s usually well past time to end the relationship.

There’s nothing wrong with asking for anal sex. In fact, asking is foundational to consent. The problem here—and I say this for readers who may have been sexually coerced so much that they don’t see the coercion for what it is—is that asking repeatedly for the same thing during the same sex session is whining, nagging, and an attempt to manipulate. That’s annoying, unsexy, and coercive.

Why do men make assumptions and state them as fact? Then we look like fools if it’s wrong and we repeat it to someone who knows better...or we end up googling everything they tell us to confirm/deny said “fact”. I’m talking everyday mundane conversations like why something works the way it does, etc. I thought this was just my husband, but recently had a conversation with my sister who said her husband does the same thing. I’ve learned to mitigate it by asking him follow up questions to gauge if he really knows that or is assuming...or I just internally roll my eyes and go to google to avoid potential defensiveness.

Patriarchy teaches men to view themselves as authorities. It also teaches women to view men this way, as evidenced by the fact that you have repeated your partner’s proclamations as truth.

Start by not repeating anything he says as fact. He’s neither your teacher nor an expert, and he’s shown he’s untrustworthy. You can at least reduce the weight of his words by not automatically lending them credibility.

I think some of what you have identified here is part of a larger pattern of men expecting women to bear the entire cognitive load of communication. I write more about that phenomenon here. In your case, your partner expects you to suss out the truth, so that he can continue to communicate as he pleases, without ever having to actually consider his audience.

I read in one of your articles that we’re not entitled to love. I’m having trouble getting my head around it. If love is a choice, why would I stay married to someone who chooses not to love their spouse?

I’m not sure I understand this question. It’s happened before that I think a question makes no sense, but then a reader explains it to me. So if that’s the case, chime in in the comments.

I think the argument you are making is this:

We aren’t entitled to love. That means love is a choice. Therefore people can choose whether or not to love their spouses. So why should a person stay married to someone who chooses not to love them.

You’re actually making two distinct arguments here. Whether or not we are entitled to love has nothing whatsoever to do with whether or not love is a choice. I think love is complex, and is a combination of choice and impulse. We certainly cannot force ourselves to love someone, but this doesn’t really have anything to do with whether or not we are entitled to love.

So I’ll clarify this:

No one should stay married to someone who doesn’t love them.

Romantic love is not an entitlement.

One of the core problems in heterosexual relationships is that men believe they are entitled to romantic love, so women stay in relationships with men who do not actually love them, because they think they are somehow doing something wrong if they leave those men.

Ultimately, though, love is an irrelevant consideration. Whether or not to be in a relationship comes down to whether the relationship makes both partners’ lives better than they would be on their own.

How to I reconcile not living my feminist values previously in my relationship with my husband but living in my values now, which often means behaving differently than I used to and not tolerating certain things he does? I imagine it doesn’t feel fair to him, but how I was living before wasn’t fair to me. He is dedicated to our relationship and is mostly an attentive partner but is clearly having trouble with this transition and often says it feels like I want nothing to do with him. I suppose sometimes that’s true because as I live deeper into my feminist values I want less and less to do with anything that doesn’t align with them. How do I stay in this relationship if he continues to not understand what feminism is and why it’s important?

The answer to your question is contained in this sentence: “[He] often says it feels like I want nothing to do with him. I suppose sometimes that’s true because as I live deeper into my feminist values I want less and less to do with anything that doesn’t align with them. You’re telling me your partner’s values or behavior do not align with your feminist values.

Why would you want anything to do with someone whose values and behavior do not support your humanity? Your partner is not entitled to a relationship with you. He is also not entitled to a relationship that never demands anything of him.

People change. In a healthy relationship, people continuously grow and adapt together, to meet one another’s needs. A relationship should serve both partners well, and make their lives better, not worse.

But your relationship was founded on the notion that you matter less than your husband. Now you see that’s not fair, and are trying to change things. Of course he’s dragging his feet.

Rather than considering whether it’s fair for him to treat you like a human being, ask yourself this: Is this relationship really all you deserve?

I would love to get your perspective on how patriarchal dynamics play out in ‘primary’ families. As someone who has not entered a romantic relationship with a man in my life, I would love to read more about brothers in particular, fathers as well, and how the themes you write about play out in this arena as well. One example, on Christmas Eve, I had been home all day helping out and seeing how much my parents were doing preparing for Christmas. When my brother and his wife arrived, he was so sullen, passive aggressive and straight up ignoring a basic question, sitting on his phone, until the energy had completely changed and everyone was walking on eggshells and trying to appease him somehow. Once this change happened, his mood changed and he became engaging. I felt as if we were all hostages in this weird mood play, and I thought about your article on grumpy male partners. But this was towards us - his family. We are in our 30s by the way. Are there patriarchal patterns play here as well, or is it just a personality thing?

Of course patriarchal dynamics play out in families of origin! These families are often where we learn to normalize horrible behavior. Your brother was acting like a misogynist shit bag. But you don’t have to live with or appease your brother. You don’t have to reward his abuse. You can call him on it, every time.

You might find this article helpful.

How do I respond to my friend who asks, "So, what do you think of my new boyfriend?"

This has happened to me with two different friends the past year and both times the guy was not interesting, talked about their mom constantly (what is that about?), and didn't seem all that interested in my friend. One guy would dodge questions that I asked about himself, the other guy got angry when I asked about his divorce, and neither guy asked me questions about myself. So, I didn't like them, but I love my friends and want to return the support and love that they give me.

Support does not mean agreeing with every choice a person makes. The way you return the support and love your friends have given you is by telling them the truth.

I’m a big believer in believing people about what they want. So when someone asks you a question, you take that question at face value, and you tell your friend what you actually think. Focus on behavior rather than labels. “I noticed that he did these things…”

Identifying behavior removes emotion from it, and allows her to asses how she feels about the behaviors you identify. You’re left offering simple feedback rather than a moral or prescriptive judgment.

Be prepared, though, that no matter what you say, some number of friends will be prepared to defend their dates at all cost—sometimes even throwing a friendship on the pyre in service of a patriarchal man.

Dear Zawn, firstly, thank you for your work!! Now my question: When we talk about communication, my ex husband blames me for raising my voice at him during our marriage. How do I explain to him that after years of him not listening to me, I , against my own will, resorted to raising my voice? Maybe you will tell me to not bother, but we share two daughters and still need to communicate a lot. In general our coparenting relationship is ok.

One of the glorious realities of separation and divorce is that you no longer have to convince the other party of your goodness and rightness, and no longer have to invest in what they think of you. The more time and energy you invest in this man’s faulty, patriarchal perceptions, the less time you will have to build your incredible, asshole-free new life.

Please stop litigating your broken marriage with this broken man. You will never get his approval. And now, you don’t need it.

Good communication for the sake of your daughters does not depend on litigating your marriage. In fact, it is better for your daughters for you to stop these futile disagreements altogether. Instead, when he attempts to attack your communication, don’t take the bait. Focus on the discussion at hand. I promise you he’ll suffer more from being ignored than he ever would if you fought with him.

Hi! Would you consider writing about the overlap of covert narcissistic abuse and patriarchy? I see a Venn diagram with a MASSIVE overlap. I recently have the veil drop and realized that I’ve been in an emotionally abuse marriage for five years - your work is was absolutely the entry point for my great awakening. Your work showed me the misogyny of it all, then gave me the language to say “this is emotional abuse,” which eventually led to the discovery after the last great manipulative fight that I am married to a covert narcissistic emotional abuser. He moves out in two weeks. Thank you will never cover how grateful I am to you.

I’m skeptical of the discourse around narcissism, because I think it treats behavior that is very typical for men as somehow unusual. The reality is that patriarchy teaches men to behave as narcissists, so the language of narcissism will resonate with most women. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, and people should use whatever labels and frameworks make the most sense to them.

However, when we treat abusive men as anomalies, as uniquely unfit monsters rather than the inevitable outcome of patriarchal societies, we create the illusion that these men are rare and dysfunctional. Instead, we need to acknowledge that this behavior is the male norm in patriarchy, and that most men will exhibit this behavior to varying degrees. I’ve written two columns about narcissism that I think you might find helpful. You can find them here and here.

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A reader asks…

I'm currently co-parenting with my partner / fiance of 8 years. We live in the same place despite me taking what I considered steps to live apart. I think I got caught up in isolation, because I was previously taking videos quite often and calling police to report that he had hit me.

If you're thinking of how innocent I am please consider the fact that years before we had a kid and he hit me, I hit him. I was also unfaithful to him and engaged to somebody when I met him. That person almost took my life.
I suffer from BPD and other mood disorders and have had out of body experiences throughout all of this and anhedonia, set on protecting not only my child's life by taking back my own. (I had a kid with an ex 10-11 years ago whom I had taken by the state).

Here I am 11 years later in a different state and can't help but feel frustration for my future. I was hospitalized while experiencing deep fight or flight and trying to convince him to talk about how he hit me.

Now you may label me a narcissist for trying to force him to do something. I have been largely trying to take the spotlight off of me yet whenever brought up in context I mention he hit me and he says it didn't happen.

The circumstances were him watching videos with our daughter and not turning off videos late at night; I most likely told him to turn off the videos now and he said no. I told both "your father doesn't respect me" and he chased me in the entry way and punched me. Do I deserve to stay in this state of mind forever not knowing if he'll hit me because I hit him? Is this normal? Please be nice because I don't have any money to leave this relationship, just the stipend towards rent.

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A reader asks…

Just wondering if you have any content on this particular subject?

If I’m stretching or wearing a dress or anything really my husband seems to think it’s funny to joke about the smell of the ocean/fish.

He will literally walk into the room if I’m stretching and say geee the smell of the ocean in here.

I keep trying to explain that this may have been a funny joke for men back in the 50s, but now it’s highly inappropriate.

But my words don’t seem to be getting through and he just gets offended that I have said something and offended that I don’t find it funny
Saying that I’m the issue and that everyone finds that joke funny

I tried google but I can’t find anything about how sexist jokes are not funny any more.

My answer

Wow, your husband is a piece of shit, and I hope you are doing everything you can to get away from him. You do not deserve to have your body mocked just for existing. And you certainly do not deserve to be with someone who so clearly neither loves nor likes you.

This idea that women’s genitals smell like fish serves a very specific cultural purpose.

Misogyny is a system of male entitlement. Men are taught that they deserve certain resources from women—sex, labor, opportunities, and more. One of the ways men justify this entitlement is via disgust.

Men’s purported disgust with women connects directly to men’s sense of entitlement. The personal and physical disgust is actually about the political contempt that enables men to keep taking from women (and that instructs women to see men’s theft as something other than what it is).

If you can convince women that they are gross and dirty, they’re more likely to accept poor treatment from men—especially bad sex. In my experience, there’s a strong correlation between being a man who makes these kinds of comments and being a man who is terrible at sex. Women stuck with these sorts of men grow to worry that their fundamental grossness is the reason their husbands won’t go down on them or can’t make them come, when the reality is that their husbands’ sexual inadequacy is the real culprit.

So it’s a weird flex to make a big show out of how disgusting you find your sexual partner’s body. And it tells you a lot about how your partner wants you to feel: demeaned, unattractive, disgusting, perhaps alone.

It’s also profoundly damaging in a culture that tells women their only value is as a body, while also telling them that that body is irreparably gross. You don’t smell like fish, and you don’t deserve to be with someone who brings this sexist bullshit into your home.

One of the most harmful myths allowing patriarchy to continue is the notion that men just need to be educated. They don’t know what they’re doing!

Your husband knows exactly what he is doing. Otherwise why would he continue to make this joke? There’s nothing that will educate him.

He understands that there is a harmful cultural notion that women’s genitals smell like fish. He knows this is hurtful and degrading. That’s why he thinks it’s funny. Because he thinks it’s funny to hurt you.

Let’s break down the contents of the joke:

Women’s genitals are gross and dirty.

You have a woman’s genitals.

Therefore you are gross and dirty.

LOL it’s so funny that you’re so gross and dirty! I’m going to remind you forever!

This is not a normal joke to make. And it’s a strong signal that he’s likely not actually into women’s bodies. He’s making a joke indicating that he finds female genitals gross and foul-smelling. Being turned off by women isn’t exactly a symptom of heterosexuality, now, is it? Like most other low value men, your husband doesn’t actually like women. And a patriarchal society that treats it as normal to find women disgusting allows him to get away with it.

[Edit: A couple of commenters have shared that they feel it is homophobic to say he is not straight. I listen to and take these comments seriously, and am always open to these kinds of critiques. In this case, I disagree. Here’s why: being a straight cis man means liking women’s bodies. This man has made clear that he does not like women’s bodies. He simply does not cross the threshold for heterosexuality. This is common among misogynist men, and I think we need to talk more openly about the fact that a lot of sexist men are not actually attracted to women. This means neither that they or gay, nor that gay men are misogynists. But if you are not attracted to women’s bodies, if you find them repulsive, you are simply not straight]

He’s not actually offended that you’re not laughing at his joke. He’s offended that you think he should have to care about your feelings and treat you with respect.

It’s embarrassing to tell a joke that isn’t actually funny. Your husband should feel embarrassed. Weirdly, a lot of men insist on continuing to tell “jokes” that no one finds funny. That’s, of course, because they’re not trying to be funny. They’re trying to escape accountability.

Accountability won’t work with this dunce you’re stuck with, though. Because he’ll just make you out to be a humorless prude, and whine about how he’s not getting enough attention for his “joke.”

I think, instead, you should start making your own jokes.

If he’s allowed to tell you that you stink, you get to do that to him. Start slowly. “Oh wow, honey, it sure smells like shit in here” every time he enters the room.

Do it more and more. Escalate until you are doing it literally every time you have any contact with him. Then remind him how funny these jokes are. “What? That’s funny! Why aren’t you laughing! LOL you smell like shit honey! You’re so disgusting and gross! It’s so funny!”

You can up the ante even more by beginning to make jokes about how he’s grossed out by women.

“Oh Sharon, don’t get too close to John. He’s grossed out by women! He loves to make jokes about how much he dislikes vulvas, don’t you, John? Hey John, why don’t you tell everyone that hilarious joke about how gross you think women’s genitals are?”

Really call him on the “it’s just a joke” bullshit.

I also consulted a male friend on this one, who specifically recommends shaming your husband over his income. He argues that misogynist men have the same shame about their income that women do about their bodies. If he is not wealthy, start making jokes about that. Because just as women get messaging about their genitals, men get messaging about their income.

From my friend:

• Start commenting on the niceness of certain cars. “Oh but you couldn’t buy that, could you!” LOL it’s just a joke!

• Every time he opens his wallet: “It smells like poverty in here!”

• While out with friends: “Oh, John doesn’t earn enough money for that!”

This is not abusive because you’re doing the thing to him that he has explicitly told you he thinks is funny.

It is very likely that he will lash out in rage if you do this. In fact, it’s very likely that you won’t even try, because you know he will lash out in rage. Any man who behaves in this way is fundamentally an abuser, at a high risk of becoming violent. The point of this counter-attack is to show you that: 1) he knows the jokes aren’t funny, and aren’t actually jokes at all; 2) this is a tactic of abuse.

The fact that your husband isn’t funny isn’t the real issue here. It’s that your husband is emotionally abusing you by weaponizing misogynist bullshit. You don’t deserve that. I guarantee he is abusive in numerous other ways, and that the abuse will only get worse with time.

If it is safe to leave, you must. This will get worse, and any child raised by this man is going to internalize his misogyny. Start making your plan to get out—whether it’s now, or by quiet quitting for a while, or years down the road.

Ultimately, he knows he is being a sexist prick and that is exactly the point.

You need to get out. Don’t spend your one and only life being abused by this piece of shit.

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A reader asks…

I’ve read a lot of posts where you say that ADHD is not an excuse for men to not do household labor. I definitely agree that men exploit their partners, but I’m skeptical that ADHD is not relevant.

My husband has very severe untreated ADHD. There are things he just can’t do, which means that I have to step into the gap. I’m exhausted, and I hate it, but I also know he struggles. He weaponizes his ADHD some. I see him lying on the couch sleeping or reading while I cook. He’s only intermittently involved as a dad.

I guess I’m interested to learn whether you think he’s making it up, but also how we can have equality in these kinds of relationships?

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A reader asks…

What’s your view on men identifying explicitly as feminists?

Is it just another “nice guy” label? I have friends who claim ”men can’t be feminists because they haven’t experienced patriarchy from the business end” and I can see that argument have some merits. Separatist spaces make a lot of sense. But I think it’s a stronger argument when I talk to other men who complain about feminists to say ”I’m a feminist. What’s wrong with you?!” rather than ”I think those feminists have strong arguments”.

Curious to hear your take and super appreciative of all your sharp work!

My answer

Some additional context on this question is that it comes from a man who is a long-time reader and supporter. Like the small number of men who hope to support the anti-male supremacy project, I think he’s trying to figure out where he falls in the movement and how he can talk respectfully about his place.

These sorts of questions annoy me. I’m not annoyed with you, reader, but I find the endless debate about whether men can be feminists, whether they can identify as feminists, and what terms men can or should use to be a wasteful distraction from the project of dismantling male supremacy. This is because:

• These debates are purely theoretical. They have no meaningful application in the real world, get us no closer to equity, and offer no insight into how to better structure our activism. This, to me, means they are a waste of energy that could be better spent elsewhere.

• These debates inevitably become conflicts between women who are on the same side of the issue. As such, they sow completely unnecessary discord. Pitting women against one another is one of patriarchy’s favorite tools. When I post this article, I can guarantee you’ll see lots of debating this very topic in the comments—mostly from people who never bothered to read the substance of the article. This, to me, proves how much of a distraction these discussions really are.

• What a man calls himself has no bearing on what sort of person he is, and should not have any bearing on how women view him. Debating what men should call themselves just gives predatory men more buzzwords they can use to signal their belonging while weaponizing the language of social justice.

When you’re talking to other men, you should use the strongest language possible, and should lean on whatever arguments are most effective. Often, it’s not identifying with feminism that’s most likely to work, but rather identifying misogynistic ideologies as inherently weak and pathetic.

What about with women?

I think what you’re really asking is what shorthand for signaling support for feminist causes would be appropriate. I’m not bothered when a man calls himself a feminist, especially if he does so publicly, in front of other men, or in contexts where he is likely to be judged rather than congratulated. Some women, though, are put off by this usage, and that’s their right. I suggest instead that men say they support an end to male supremacy, or that they support feminist causes.

And then, critically, that they show that support. What a man says about himself does not matter at all; it’s what he does that reveals his character. The most aggressive messages I have gotten have universally come from self-described “feminists” and “nice guys,” who want me to know what a fucking bitch I am for not accepting their self-descriptions. Women must be mindful that a man identifying as a feminist means absolutely nothing, and that in a lot of cases it signals his manipulative intentions.

We are what we do.

Do feminism. Show feminism. Support and listen to women. If you’re looking for a word that will prove your feminist credentials, there isn’t one. And there shouldn’t be, because proving yourself to women should not be easy.

We are what we do, right now, in this moment. Not what we did or identified as in the past. Every moment is a chance to choose to abandon supremacy culture, or to support it.

The choice you make in each moment is what determines your feminism.

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A reader asks…

I have finally decided to get out of my emotionally abusive relationship. I’m devastated to have to tell my kids and tear their world apart. Do you have any advice?

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A reader asks…

I was wondering: you talk so much (and so deeply) about how women should cut contact with low-value male partners who abuse them. That makes perfect sense. However, what about—and this happens quite often, in my experience—low-value sons who abuse their mothers once they're grown up?

For an abusive ex, one often doesn't feel love anymore, so it's "easy" to cut them out of one's life (quotation marks for recognizing that even that might be emotionally hard, but we know it's the right thing to do). But someone's child? That's heavy. I've been seeing terribly abusive son-mother relationships all around me all my life.

How could I tell the mother to kick out her own child from her life? Especially in this economy, or when the child has some mental problems (not serious enough for hospitalization, but serious enough to lower their capacity to get by on their own, for example).

Kicking out a grown, abusive child may be the logical solution, but these mothers won't accept it because they love their sons and cannot stand the thought of him suffering (even if it means they keep suffering themselves). So, they protect the status quo, often for decades. I'd be really grateful for your thoughts on this! What should I tell them? How can I help? And thank you again for your wonderful work. You are amazing.

PS. I forgot to mention that of course, the abuse I'm talking about is the same type of patriarchal abuse and exploitation, the son feeling entitled to the mother's time, labour, energy, cooking-cleaning, everything. The same sexist patterns emerge, like name calling, belittling, controlling and not believing in the woman's humanity, using her as appliance, etc. So it's the very same thing, really, but not with a partner (from whom we can expect the woman to be emotionally distancing) but from a son (from whom distancing is probably much harder - I'm not a mother (by choice, though I'm an ally) but I imagine it must be excruciating to give up your own child - if even possible). Like, what advice would you give to mothers who need to quiet quit their patriarchally abusive grown-up (or close to) sons? Anything that's not the most common "she should have raised him better" - cause that victim-blaming, ineffective bullshit is what people around me always say - and I want to do better.

My answer

This is a great question, and I really appreciate your clarifying post-script.

In my own life, I have observed that these relationships often enable abuse of other women, and of children. The son relies on his mother to support his behavior, gets married, abuses his wife, mistreats his kids, then returns home to live with his mother. He takes the children from their primary caregiver part-time, and relies on his mother for childcare, never bothering to step up.

Or the mother supports him when he abuses or rapes a woman, bailing him out, giving endless character witnesses, and sometimes denigrating the victim.

I think we have all seen this pattern, but what we may not notice as much is that the mothers, too, are victims. Blaming them accomplishes nothing, as you note.

Before I answer this question, I want to add some additional framing.

I’ve written before that I am deeply troubled by the tendency to label children abusive. Children can be hurtful, annoying, jerks. But abuse can only exist where there is power over another person, and children do not generally hold power over adults. Parents have an absolute moral obligation to love and support their children, and to seek for them the help they need, no matter how badly behaved those children are. Labeling a child an abuser is never helpful when it’s an actual child.

As kids grow into adolescence and gain societal power (as well as the power to do terrifying things like own weapons), they can indeed become abusive. Our obligations to our children do not end even still, but we are no longer required to endlessly support them.

You note in your opening that it may be harder to leave an abusive child than an abusive partner, because mothers love their abusive children. Women typically also love their abusers. I say this not to pick apart your letter, but because women reading this who still love their abusers need to know that this love is not a sign that the relationship can be fixed.

Your question is actually two questions:

1. What do we do about abusive adult sons?

2. How do I convince my friends to take healthy action regarding their abusive adult sons?

The second query is much more challenging than the first, because you do not have the ability to compel your friends to do anything, and if you try, they may detach. So I’m going to focus mostly on the first question.

The main difference I see between abusive sons and abusive husbands is that, when the son is merely lazy rather than actively dangerous, there is a moral obligation to slowly ease him out of the home. Children do not magically learn everything by 18. It’s normal for adult children to struggle into their twenties, and to continue to need adult support, especially in this catastrophic economy.

So I would caution parents that struggling to survive or make money are not acts of abuse or laziness. Living at home in adulthood is fine if it works for everyone, but parents must have clear boundaries—ideally written and made explicit.

It’s generally unwise for parents to try to control any aspect of the adult child’s life, except insofar as a child’s decisions impact the parent. For example, if you threaten to withdraw support because you dislike who an adult child is dating, you’re being extremely manipulative. But it’s fine to ban loud parties at your home, or to require your child to maintain the home in a reasonable state of cleanliness.

If an adult child is actively abusive—keeping weapons in the home, threatening family members, abusing other people in the house or at the house—then a parent needs to treat them like any other intruder and take legal action to have them removed.

If the abuse is more subtle, then the better strategy is to give a clear warning, and a set and reasonable period of time to get out.

Parents may bristle at the idea of forcing their children out, but you can kick your child out and still love them. You can kick your child out and still support them in other ways, too.

Some questions parents can ask themselves include:

• What is my moral obligation here? Are there ways in which my support of my child harms other people?

• How can I protect myself and others?

• What specific support does my child need to move to the next chapter of their life? Is that support I can provide?

• What agreements can I make with my child? What am I willing to give, and what do I expect?

• What boundaries do I need?

• Are all of my expectations reasonable? Am I attempting to control or micromanage? Are there expectations I can let go of?

• Am I allowing outside views of how a child should progress to influence my parenting?

• Does my child have special or unique needs? How can I educate myself about managing these needs?

Now, what about you, the one who is trying to support your friends? Well, first I want you to consider that you’re never going to have a full and accurate view of someone else’s life. Some things you may want to ask yourself include:

• Do I have reasonable expectations of this child? For example, most young adults cannot live fully independently?

• Is neurodivergence a factor here? Neurodivergent young adults may need more support to transition to adulthood.

• Is this abuse, or normal adolescent behavior?

• Is it possible my friend has a different approach, not an incorrect approach, to parenting?

As we age, we tend to judge the younger generations harshly. Some of us are eager to be aggrieved by children and young adults. I don’t think that’s the case here at all; abuse is real. But I am urging that we should all check our judgmental impulses, particularly in situations where there’s not really much we can do to shift the dynamic.

As for what you can do for your friends? Well, as with other abusive relationships, there’s sadly not much. Rather than getting your friend to behave in a particular way, your job is one of support.

I would have a gentle conversation with your friend about the patterns you see, expressing concern and compassion, not judgment or shame. Don’t try to punish your friend into doing what you want; it won’t work. Instead, try the following:

• Don’t normalize the abuse. When your friend tells you a story of abuse, repeat your concern again.

• Continue to show up for your friend, so that they know they have support should they need it.

• Don’t enable the abuse. It’s one thing to support your friend. It’s another to help them bail their kid out of jail, or to provide any other form of support that makes it easier for them to continue to weather the abuse.

• Consider why your friend might be a target. For example, maybe they are lonely and therefore reluctant to draw boundaries. If you can help meet the need the abuser is filling, this may help your friend escape.

• Contact the authorities when you see a crime, no matter how your friend feels about it.

• Never victim-blame, or imply in any way that your friend has caused the abuse. Even if they continue to take it, they may be doing so in an attempt to protect themselves or others.

You’re a good friend for caring. Keep showing up.

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A reader asks…

I have a five-year-old who is dealing with some big feelings, most of which I attribute to her father’s ongoing emotional abuse of both of us. I know that getting him to agree to therapy for her will be a fight, and I’m wondering if it’s worth the fight. What are your thoughts on putting a child in therapy in this situation? How do I choose the right therapist?

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A reader asks…

Hi Zawn! I am in the process of divorcing my husband, and he is still under the impression that, somehow, we can make things work because he has “changed.”

I of course, vehemently disagree with him given the emotional and sexual abuse that happened throughout our relationship, even before we were married, and regularly remind him of that.

He usually responds with something like, “I never forced you to do anything,” or, “You must be a pretty good actress,” or, “You could have just left,” or, “You were never in danger.”

While technically he never did “force” me, he did make my life hell if I didn’t say yes to sex or certain sex acts.

His reactions would range from pouting, sulking, and keeping me awake arguing about it, calling me a prude, telling me I was shaming him for his desires, refusing to show up as an equal parent to our toddler, implying he would cheat or saying I was “lucky”to have a man who actually desired me, or implying our deteriorating sex life was part of the reason he was struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts.

Obviously I know I will never get through to him, not that I even care to, but for my own peace of mind, how do I not internalize his retorts? I know my truth and what I experienced, but he is a master manipulator and is very good at getting others to doubt themselves.

My answer

Well, it’s certainly clear why your husband could only get sex via coercion. What an utter loser.

To be clear: punishing a person for not having sex is a form of rape. We know that the person who threatens to shoot you if you don’t consent is raping you. Why is it so hard to accept that the same is true of the person who threatens to terrorize you and make your life miserable?

Imagine being so bad in bed that you have to threaten someone to get sex. And imagine feeling so entitled to sex that you’re willing to coerce someone to have sex they don’t want to have. That’s not someone who ever loved you, or who was even capable of love.

Let’s start with the most basic, and crucial, thing for you to internalize: Your husband has not changed. People who have changed acknowledge their bad prior behavior. They don’t dismiss it. He hasn’t even been able to muster real remorse, let alone real change.

I think this is the most important thing for you to hear, because I can hear you wavering. Patriarchy socializes women to give men a near-absolute benefit of the doubt. So strong is this socialization that a man can offer no remorse, no apology, and no change, and we’ll still see him as trying, and maybe even as having “changed.”

If you go back to him, he will get worse, because he will have learned that if he’s mean enough and remorseless enough, he’ll get what he wants. And next time, it will be even harder to get out.

Lots of men operate under the mistaken assumption that a relationship is an entitlement. For this reason, they think you have to give them sufficient cause to exit the relationship. Of course, if he doesn’t want the relationship to end, he’ll never find your justifications sufficient.

Because patriarchy socializes women to defer to men, a lot of us respond not by leaving, but by trying to convince him. This is a waste of your time and energy. You are allowed to leave your relationship for any reason you want, including for no reason at all. You don’t have to earn or argue your way out.

The fact that he thinks you do signals that he sees you as property, not as a person, and that he doesn’t love you. He was fine with you being permanently unhappy, just as long as it didn’t affect him.

So naturally, he’ll tell you it wasn’t that big of a deal. It wasn’t to him. His goal was compliance, and that’s what he got until you left.

It’s normal to internalize these thoughts. In fact, that’s one of the the primary mechanisms of emotional abuse. I think that, rather than trying not to internalize his bullshit, you’re better sitting, reflecting, and developing a plan about the behaviors you will engage in no matter how he makes you feel. It’s a lot like deciding to exercise even if you’re tired, or go to bed even if you’re in a bad mood. You’re making a decision in advance to do what’s right for you regardless of how you feel in the moment.

Getting mad here might help, because he deserves to feel bad. If you can frame things that way, perhaps you’ll derive some pleasure from his anger rather than internalizing it. Ultimately, though, what matters is what you do—not how you feel.

Press on. He’s totally undeserving given all that he has done to you, and it’s too bad he doesn’t have to suffer more for his abuse.

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My annual Galentine’s Day Sale ends tomorrow! Get a discount for you, and for anyone else you buy a membership for. You’ll also get free merch if you send your mailing address to zawn@zawn.net and put “merch address” in the subject line. If you purchase a membership for someone else, you can still get merch for yourself if you email me your address!

A reader asks…

I am a criminal defence lawyer. I work for Legal Aid, so have no control over which cases I get. Our work involves a lot of domestic violence, and a lot of other violence. I live in a northern community and our office serves even more northern and remote communities with very high crime rates (for Canada).

After reading so much feminist writing, I am grappling with balancing my job (ethical duty to the court and to represent my client to the best of my ability) with perpetuating harm against women via the legal system. I have not seen any scholarship on this point, and I know you can't give a legal answer, but I'm interested in your thoughts (and maybe Jeff's too!)

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