70+ questions to ask the men you date

There's no such thing as abuse-proof dating. But asking the right questions may offer some protection.

A quick note: I am doing another survey, with results to be released in a month or two. This survey focuses on experiences in relationships with men, and is for any woman who has ever had a relationship with a man. You can take it here.

Dating, for most women, is the single most dangerous thing you can do. 1 in 3 men admit to engaging in intimate partner violence against their partners. The number who actually engage in such violence is likely much higher. Other figures on the risks of dating are dismal, as anyone who spends any time with other women knows.

Any woman hoping to date men must understand the stakes, and recognize that the odds of being abused, raped, or otherwise harmed are many times higher than the odds of finding a decent partner. The costs of choosing the wrong person can be lifelong. Being mindful of the risks can help deter you from rushing into a relationship or rounding mediocre up to good.

The risks will still exist.

Because there is nothing you can do to fully abuser-proof yourself. Abusive men are manipulative, and patriarchy indoctrinates us from birth to overlook abusive behavior, or even to see red flags as green flags. But most abusers are not evil geniuses. Careful observation, a slow relationship pace, and trusting your gut offers some protection.

When I tell readers to move slowly and to pay close attention, they often ask me for questions to ask a dating partner. I’ve been reluctant to provide these questions, because the truth is that what a man says matters exponentially less than what he does. I also worry that if a man “passes” these initial questions, a reader might assume this means he is safe; instead, it means only that he has not shown obvious, immediate signs of danger.

I’ve developed these 75+ questions to ask a dating partner, but I present them only with the caveat that you must trust your instincts and never give a man the benefit of the doubt. Never lose sight of the fact that you and your life are more valuable than any relationship, and that when in doubt, being single is always the safer option.