I will be using the modified snake analogy. It makes a better point than simply complaining about structural misogyny. It is much too difficult to hold a man accountable for treating a woman badly, so that some degree of distrust is entirely reasonable.
A few years ago, my then-partner decided I needed his help fixing my increasingly erratic computer. Of course, I didn't want his help, but he sat down and started trying this, then that, then this other thing. Leaving things he was 'trying' only half tried before moving onto another option. I was having a fit, telling him 'leave it alone', 'let me do it', 'finish that part at least first!', 'no!', 'STOP!!'. And he wouldn't stop. I wanted so badly to push him out of the way but knew that would never turn out in my favor. So, I stopped trying to stop him and let him wear himself out on tying my machine in knots that'd I'd have to untangle later.
Afterwards, the next day or maybe the next after that, he got pissed at me being pissy, and demanded to know what my problem was. I said to him, "You never let me touch your computer, and if I tried to do to you what you did to me the other night, you would have literally physically moved me out of the way, and you know it. If Dan (his friend of 30 years) had you over and he was having computer problems, would you have jumped in the chair and ignored him saying no? Or would you have known that if you ignored his no, he would have beat the shit out of you. Or at least punched you in the face. So, how am I supposed to come to any conclusion other than - You did what you did, and ignored my no, because you knew I couldn't physically stop you. And that right there, makes you terrifying."
That situation crystalized for me how much of this comes down to the basic and obvious difference in size and strength, just the classic sexual dimorphism. So many situations where men are being assholes, and threatening, and they know that they would never do that to a man who could fight back. And, even though men *will* hit, these men will complain how "women can act as crazy as they want because they know men won't hit them." No, the truth is women "act crazy" because those women know that they can't hit YOU. They'd much rather just punch you in the face and be done with you, if they could.
I have held the position for a very long time that it is ALL men. Thank you for this article Zawn, you’ve so succinctly put what I have been unable to verbalise.
“When I talk with men about women’s fear of men, one of their many dismissive responses it how “sad” it must be for me to “live in fear.” They tell me women and men should be able to meet as equals, that everyone should be treated as an individual.
As if not acknowledging the reality of the danger will somehow free women of fear. As if patriarchy treats any woman at all as an individual, free from its mandates and its violence. “
They dismiss us and this fact is because they too experience violence from men. Most murders of men are perpetuated by other men. Majority of sexual violence against men are from other men. They think this makes what women experience somehow equal to what men experience from other men when in fact, a very tiny minority of women ever hurt a man. They dismiss the power difference too. So while they feel with us, they still expect us to feel safe with them.
Your version of the snake metaphor is bang-on. Perfection.
This!! So perfectly this! Not all men, but potentially any man!
Thank you for sharing this truth!
I will be using the modified snake analogy. It makes a better point than simply complaining about structural misogyny. It is much too difficult to hold a man accountable for treating a woman badly, so that some degree of distrust is entirely reasonable.
A few years ago, my then-partner decided I needed his help fixing my increasingly erratic computer. Of course, I didn't want his help, but he sat down and started trying this, then that, then this other thing. Leaving things he was 'trying' only half tried before moving onto another option. I was having a fit, telling him 'leave it alone', 'let me do it', 'finish that part at least first!', 'no!', 'STOP!!'. And he wouldn't stop. I wanted so badly to push him out of the way but knew that would never turn out in my favor. So, I stopped trying to stop him and let him wear himself out on tying my machine in knots that'd I'd have to untangle later.
Afterwards, the next day or maybe the next after that, he got pissed at me being pissy, and demanded to know what my problem was. I said to him, "You never let me touch your computer, and if I tried to do to you what you did to me the other night, you would have literally physically moved me out of the way, and you know it. If Dan (his friend of 30 years) had you over and he was having computer problems, would you have jumped in the chair and ignored him saying no? Or would you have known that if you ignored his no, he would have beat the shit out of you. Or at least punched you in the face. So, how am I supposed to come to any conclusion other than - You did what you did, and ignored my no, because you knew I couldn't physically stop you. And that right there, makes you terrifying."
That situation crystalized for me how much of this comes down to the basic and obvious difference in size and strength, just the classic sexual dimorphism. So many situations where men are being assholes, and threatening, and they know that they would never do that to a man who could fight back. And, even though men *will* hit, these men will complain how "women can act as crazy as they want because they know men won't hit them." No, the truth is women "act crazy" because those women know that they can't hit YOU. They'd much rather just punch you in the face and be done with you, if they could.
I have held the position for a very long time that it is ALL men. Thank you for this article Zawn, you’ve so succinctly put what I have been unable to verbalise.
“When I talk with men about women’s fear of men, one of their many dismissive responses it how “sad” it must be for me to “live in fear.” They tell me women and men should be able to meet as equals, that everyone should be treated as an individual.
As if not acknowledging the reality of the danger will somehow free women of fear. As if patriarchy treats any woman at all as an individual, free from its mandates and its violence. “
They dismiss us and this fact is because they too experience violence from men. Most murders of men are perpetuated by other men. Majority of sexual violence against men are from other men. They think this makes what women experience somehow equal to what men experience from other men when in fact, a very tiny minority of women ever hurt a man. They dismiss the power difference too. So while they feel with us, they still expect us to feel safe with them.
Thank you zawn. I will be teaching my daughter this over her lifetime.