"Wanting to do better" can be a trap. That desire must be coupled with the actually work it takes to change and get emotionally healthy such as going to therapy, doing the work around the house (without expecting a parade in appreciation) and supporting your partner fully in ways that are important to her.
Assumed male competence! This is the struggle- somewhere between high school and workforce, we figure if dudes have had to work and interact with people other than their mom, they must be capable and competent. Lol
The assumption of male competence has screwed me over time and again- quite frankly there is little competence by men and even with that minuscule competence they’re always looking for the man “loophole”.
Any attempt for me to say hey- this pattern of behavior sucks- to which the abusive man replies (in their basic man “thinking”) nope not a pattern- the first time was on a Tuesday with cloudy skies at 2:17 in the afternoon. It’s a Tuesday and it’s 2:17, but it’s sunny today- why are you so MEAN?
Still waiting for the abuser to be held accountable for his abuse, but since he’s been able to get the school system and our church to collude to cover up HIS abusing OUR children right out in the open, the bitch being crazy absolves everyone from questioning dude. (He has a good job and wears a suit he must be the believable party- look at how calm cool and collected he is while she’s off the rails!)
Oh, how I wish I could send this to my husband. But tbh ... for me it’s just too late. Even if he read this, accepted it as truth, took it all on board and started to try to fix it, I’ve given him 27 years. My youth, my body, my dreams, my career, my family & friendships. Even my child ... because Dad is “more fun” than me even while being emotionally abusive.
“ Because at the core of inequality is the belief that women’s time, lives, and dreams just matter less”. Yep. After 10’years as a stay at home parent, I went back to work. I gave up my successful career when I had children. So started in a new one and loved it. I worked hard full time, did all the cooking, cleaning, running around after three boys. One evening when my ex was yelling at me (bad day at work = me copping it at home), I pointed out “my job is as important to me as yours is to you”. His response “I don’t give a shit”.
Perhaps another thing a lot of these men should do is replace their male friends, even get a new job exposing them to people with different attitudes (and of course too, have a good balance of platonic female/non-male friends) - but at the same time being aware that when these better men say the household labor is split 50-50, in many cases the reality is their wives/girlfriends are *still* being exploited.
One suggestion I'd make to men who say they need time (to get to a point of making labor equitable) is that they take every opportunity to take care of the kids while their wife does her own thing, including away from him and the kids, even her going on a holiday or to a retreat etc.... that way, they don't need to take their time to learn or adjust, because their kids are right there needing their care.... or if there are no kids, do the housework and cooking together with her, or if both their schedules makes that tricky, find another way to do something big on a regular basis so as not to be profiting from her labor without giving back. (Of course these suggestions aren't the only way, and may not always be the ways that work best for the woman, but better at least than him taking his time to get around to doing this or that task and doing nothing else to benefit her in the meantime...)
Another amazing analysis. Will you consider appearing on my podcast "Who to be a Man?" frank@houshlaw.com.
"Wanting to do better" can be a trap. That desire must be coupled with the actually work it takes to change and get emotionally healthy such as going to therapy, doing the work around the house (without expecting a parade in appreciation) and supporting your partner fully in ways that are important to her.
On fire! Love it.
I love you! This is the best holiday gift ever.
Yes!!!! Such a great piece!!!
Patriarchal nice guys give so much defensiveness when called out even on blatantly sexist things.
Assumed male competence! This is the struggle- somewhere between high school and workforce, we figure if dudes have had to work and interact with people other than their mom, they must be capable and competent. Lol
The assumption of male competence has screwed me over time and again- quite frankly there is little competence by men and even with that minuscule competence they’re always looking for the man “loophole”.
Any attempt for me to say hey- this pattern of behavior sucks- to which the abusive man replies (in their basic man “thinking”) nope not a pattern- the first time was on a Tuesday with cloudy skies at 2:17 in the afternoon. It’s a Tuesday and it’s 2:17, but it’s sunny today- why are you so MEAN?
Still waiting for the abuser to be held accountable for his abuse, but since he’s been able to get the school system and our church to collude to cover up HIS abusing OUR children right out in the open, the bitch being crazy absolves everyone from questioning dude. (He has a good job and wears a suit he must be the believable party- look at how calm cool and collected he is while she’s off the rails!)
Cannot tell you how much this post means to me. Thank you
Oh, how I wish I could send this to my husband. But tbh ... for me it’s just too late. Even if he read this, accepted it as truth, took it all on board and started to try to fix it, I’ve given him 27 years. My youth, my body, my dreams, my career, my family & friendships. Even my child ... because Dad is “more fun” than me even while being emotionally abusive.
“ Because at the core of inequality is the belief that women’s time, lives, and dreams just matter less”. Yep. After 10’years as a stay at home parent, I went back to work. I gave up my successful career when I had children. So started in a new one and loved it. I worked hard full time, did all the cooking, cleaning, running around after three boys. One evening when my ex was yelling at me (bad day at work = me copping it at home), I pointed out “my job is as important to me as yours is to you”. His response “I don’t give a shit”.
Brilliant.
💔 so true it hurts 😔
Perhaps another thing a lot of these men should do is replace their male friends, even get a new job exposing them to people with different attitudes (and of course too, have a good balance of platonic female/non-male friends) - but at the same time being aware that when these better men say the household labor is split 50-50, in many cases the reality is their wives/girlfriends are *still* being exploited.
One suggestion I'd make to men who say they need time (to get to a point of making labor equitable) is that they take every opportunity to take care of the kids while their wife does her own thing, including away from him and the kids, even her going on a holiday or to a retreat etc.... that way, they don't need to take their time to learn or adjust, because their kids are right there needing their care.... or if there are no kids, do the housework and cooking together with her, or if both their schedules makes that tricky, find another way to do something big on a regular basis so as not to be profiting from her labor without giving back. (Of course these suggestions aren't the only way, and may not always be the ways that work best for the woman, but better at least than him taking his time to get around to doing this or that task and doing nothing else to benefit her in the meantime...)
Seeing it so clearly described is both enlightening and scary. Thank you for verbalising my thoughts in a way I never could.