Can a serial cheater and liar change? Feminist Advice Friday paid subscriber bonus
A woman has learned the truth about her husband. Can he change?
A reader asks..
Can a man who has continuously lied to me and been unfaithful change?
When we began dating, I had a slight awareness of my husband's past being extremely wilder than mine. Not that I was a saint by any means but our pushing limits were on two different playing fields. I also knew he had a lot of female friends from his past and we had a very in depth conversation about that as our relationship was taking off. I voiced that it made me uncomfortable that he still talked to all of these women and he was more than willing to cut ties as he was excited to put that life behind him and to start our relationship together.
Cut to the end of 2022, I am about to give birth to our 2nd child. I am sitting on the couch working. I hear him say "Good morning beautiful," and instinctively believe he is talking to me but then he continues, "you cut your hair, now there will be less..." And before he could finish that sentence I got up from the couch and said "who in the hell are you talking to?" He had no idea I was in the house even though he parked right next to my car and the look on his face I will never forget.
The truth that transpired after that moment feels like a lifetime movie. It took MONTHS for the full truth to come out, which I have read is very common in these types of situations. My husband has been secretly hiding communications with women from his past for years, basically the entire relationship. It started as occasional Gchats with a woman I didn’t know even existed, What started out as hiding the occasional gchat with one woman who I didn't even know existed, turned into another woman from his past reaching out to him via linkedin in late 2017 and then they started occasional gchats. This then escalated to a secret snapchat account in 2019 (I was pregnant with our first child), it was all inappropriate but it became sexually inappropriate with sexting and pictures in late 2017/early 2018. In September 2022 (I am 30 weeks pregnant) on a work trip to a town one of these women lived in, he slept with her. After that I think he spiraled out of control and started hiding drinking and then reached out to another woman from his past and they started sharing pictures on snapchat. This is when I caught him, two weeks before giving birth to our 2nd child. He had been hiding dipping, alcohol, drugs, porn, and online infidelity for years. 3 women involved in online affairs, 1 turned into a 1 time physical affair. After all of the disclosures I also made him take a lie detector test just so I had some sort of truth measurement.
I hired a divorce lawyer immediately. He begged that I start counseling with him and that he would seek individual counseling as well. I agreed partially because I was mentally exhausted in dealing with this and just having a baby. In the meantime I made him sign a postnuptial agreement that gave me our house and all equity in it and protected all of my assets, he signed with no questions asked.
What I have learned from counseling is that my husband's "perfect childhood" was actually really fucked up. I knew his dad was a preacher and that at some point they had moved into a different denomination. What I didn't know was that the former denomination was very close to a cult and very extreme. My SIL had mentioned that it had affected her deeply but she was always cast as dramatic and oversensitive in her family so I always dismissed her red flags because they seemed to have had a very normal upbringing (now i know it was all fake). What we have also found out is that my husband has a lineage of infidelity which wasn't disclosed until after my husband confronted his family with his own infidelity. His father had a sexual affair with two women while his mother was pregnant with my husband (her 2nd child). His grandfather (father's side) cheated on his grandmother. His grandfather on his mother's side was abusive. All of this information was hidden yet modeled. My husband has had a lifetime of hiding and lying that didn't start with our relationship but started to hide from his religion. This has basically been his entire life. He has also been labeled a sex addict and is going to a 12 step program and seeing an individual therapist who specializes in IFS and addiction.
I knew labeling our marriage as perfect was not accurate as we were both flawed human beings but we often talked about how lucky we were to be in the relationship we had. It was extremely loving, fun and there was a lot of joy. We traveled a lot, had fun creating our home together, enjoyed our careers and were both huge cheerleaders for each other when it came to personal achievements whether that was running a marathon or asking for a raise. My husband has always contributed to the relationship in regards to physical labor. Groceries, cooking, cleaning, doctors appointments, managing the house, etc. I remember hearing other friends talk about their husbands and I always felt lucky that I got one who understood the importance of sharing responsibilities. My husband never lost his cool. He was always calm under pressure, never lost his temper and we rarely fought. As someone who grew up with a father who had a terrible temper and who killed himself with I was 10, I thought I had hit the jackpot with a man who was so in control of his emotions. After our first baby we even had serious conversations about the mental load of moms and how he could be a better partner in that.
Now after all of that my question. Do you think someone like him can actually change?
He seems to be doing the work and there have been vast changes in how he is living his life. He seems very serious about breaking the cycle and repairing this generational trauma. He seems deeply remorseful. He admits that he subjected me to years of psychological abuse by not allowing me knowledge of reality.
Any time I allow myself to feel a glimmer of hope, my protector self jumps into my head and screams, HOW ON EARTH COULD YOU TRUST THIS MAN WHO HAS BEEN LYING TO YOU FOR YEARS?!"
I appreciate your point of view.
Thank you.