Stop telling women to choose better men. Start telling men to stop abusing women.
Telling women to "choose better" is a great distraction from widespread male violence.
It’s the refrain I see on every public social media post a woman ever makes about bad men:
As if “choosing badly,” whatever that means, should come with the natural and fair consequence of the total destruction of the woman’s life. As if this admonition serves any purpose other than victim blaming after the fact.
This three-word sentence is doing a lot of heavy lifting for patriarchy. Dozens of false beliefs about women, men, love, and politics are baked into this seemingly trivial piece of advice.
Men who insist that women should choose better men often talk about “accountability.” What they really mean here is that women who end up with abusive men should be punished for their decisions with more abuse. It’s an endorsement not just of abuse as fair and just, but of abused women deserving abuse for daring to be abused.
Friends, families, and communities play an important role in convincing women to stay in exploitative relationships, accept harmful patriarchal norms, and devalue themselves. Often, a woman finally realizes things are unfair, only to find that no one in her life supports her decision to demand better. This piece is part of a series, Gaslighting Inequality, that highlights these trends. Some previous pieces in this series have included:
You can find the rest of the series here.