Control vs. autonomy: The central conflict of parenting, and how to resolve it

All kids need parents who both control them and give them autonomy. So how do we balance the two?

This is an installment of my new, limited-run, daily series, Feminist Parenting. This series will feature reflections on parenting in a more liberatory way, as well as practical guidance on topics such as raising boys, resisting sexualization, and more. This is a bonus for paid subscribers, and I’ll still be keeping up with my usual editorial calendar on top of it.

Find other installments in this series here. You can also find other feminist parenting advice here.

The central conflict of parenting is between control and autonomy. Because all good parents must control their children to some degree, and all good parents must also master giving kids autonomy. Most parenting advice is about how much of each to give, and when. And most disagreements about parenting really boil down to control vs. autonomy.

I’m adding my voice to the chorus, but here’s what I’m doing differently. I’m not going to tell you how much control and autonomy to give your kids at each age. I’m going to help you think more deeply about these two principles, then help clarify your own parenting style based on your child’s needs, your family culture, where you live, and more.

Because the truth is there is no single approach to parenting that works for every child. Rigid advice is doomed to fail, and often to cause immense harm in the process. Here’s how you can adapt your strategy to your family’s needs, and shift your style based on the results it gets.