Demanding comfort for how he made you feel: The weapons sexist men use
How very dare you tell him what he did to you?!
One of the foundational tenets of male supremacy is that men must never be held accountable for anything they do, especially if it’s a behavior society normalizes. In this framework, the very notion of holding men accountable for maltreatment is abusive misandry, and reason to completely ignore a woman says.
Everyone struggles with defensiveness from time to time. Humans are generally pretty terrible at taking criticism, and even more terrible at understanding how others might experience their behavior. For misogynistic men, though, defensiveness has become an art form. He’s rubber; you’re glue, and everything you say bounces off of him and sticks to you.
Your displeasure is a sign of your own shortcomings. Your reasonable attempts to discuss an issue are abuse. Your boundaries are abandonment.
“Do you have to make me feel so bad about it? You know I’m struggling!” is their battlecry. The fact that you, too might be struggling never registers. Because to these men, women are useful tools, not actual humans.
This might also sound like:
“What about all the good things I do?”
“Why do you always have to make me feel so bad?”
“You know I’m depressed! Why do you have to criticize me!”
“I have needs, too. I can’t feel safe when you criticize me”
“The Gottman Method says that criticism destroys marriages.”
So is there any hope for the man who constantly demands comfort for the way he makes you feel?
This is part of a series of bonus content for paid subscribers in which I address some of the weapons men use to deflect blame and avoid accountability. Previous pieces in this series have included:
“We just have different parenting styles: How men escape accountability for bad parenting”
The weapons men use in fights: “You’re never satisfied with anything!”
The arguments sexist men use in fights—and what they really mean
The most important tool men use to maintain household labor inequality
The weapons men use in fights: “You’re so controlling! Stop policing me!”