Do abusers intend to be abusive? Feminist Advice Friday collaboration with Dr. Emma Katz--paid subscriber bonus

A reader wonders to what extent abusers understand their own behavior and motives.

Editorial note: I know that my readers around the globe, but especially in the US, are reeling from the election results and scared about the future. I understand that it can feel like talking about anything else is ignoring the giant monster in the room. But we mustn’t turn away from the issue of violence against and abuse of women. I will continue to be the same voice I have always been, and am holding space for everyone who is afraid. I have some additional words of support here, if anyone needs them.

A reader asks…

Are perpetrators aware of what they are doing? It feels like it takes a lot of strategical thinking to entertain the cycles of abuse, so are they consciously aware of their abuse? Or are they more staging the behavior of “how most men are”-script provided by patriarchy? I guess it’s just so hard to take in that they can say they love someone, and then treat them so poorly. I mean, what kind of life and love is that? They will never know love? But I guess this is the issue, they don’t see others as truly human, so how could there be love?

This is a collaboration post, featuring answers from both Dr. Emma Katz and Zawn Villines. So you’ll get two layers of expertise and two perspectives! This is a paid bonus for paid subscribers only. You can subscribe to either newsletter to get access.