Do I have to leave my partner to fix relationship inequality? Feminist Advice Friday
A reader hopes there are alternatives to leaving.
A reader asks…
I would really like to read about some solutions other than, "just pack your bags and leave."
Like; if your male partner has realized that he's being sexist -- using his female partner, thinking less of her time and energy, using his diagnosis as excuses for bad behavior, doesn't share the mental load, etc etc, you know the drill...
How does he do better? Who or what does he talk to? Where does he start? And how does he find the motivation to change it for good?
He says he wants to change it, but change doesn't last more than 2 days here. We've had many talks about feminism etc and he CAN totally see how messed up it all is, but he's struggling to turn the ship around. I've said I give it till June 2024, at maximum, no more. I have a guarantee for an apartment that is good for 3 years after we moved June 2022, so I can get away. He wants to help me pay deposit and furniture too.
He also knows about these comments etc and is fine with it. He knows I'm not gonna waste my life on this bs. I'm also autistic and have ADHD, like him, and on top I have anxiety and PTSD.
I've used the last 10 years working on my shit, whereas he has been watching YouTube and partying.
There's so many layers to this, it's like an onion.
He's hopefully soon gonna get the official ADHD diagnosis, and then some meds for that. That is probably a big part of our problems too.
He does self sabotage too we've realized, and that is probably also reinforced by the ADHD you know, the lack of focus and forgetting and all that jazz that's connected to ADHD.
Very unhealthy/sick patterns connected to his childhood and parents.
He feels that he's constantly running around but gets nothing done, has had to be excused from his job over some time etc, he's very stressed out too over this. He's first by now started learning basic adult life skills, by the age of 35, he's gonna sprint through 10 years of missing growth, it's probably not that easy.
De-learning something as an adult can be hard tho.
He's been seeing a therapist on his own.
She also had knowledge of autism and such. She said that if I was NT I would just have to suck it up, as if people with autism can't evolve, wtf...I've said I want him to find another. We've been seeing a couples therapist for some time, she does solo therapy too and I've felt understood by her, so he's gonna try that, seeing her alone.
We've agreed he's gonna live with his mom, while he's working on stuff, so it's not a burden to me and I only have my own stuff to attend to meanwhile.
I've constantly felt tho, that I as a woman with autism and ADHD I just HAVE to function better. We're not allowed anything else!
My answer
There’s a lot here. But as is so often the case with these questions, you already have the answer in your own words: “As a woman with autism and ADHD I just HAVE to function better. We're not allowed anything else!”
Why is it that he gets a pass for refusing to do the things you’ve been able to? The only possible reason for this excuse is that you matter less than him; your time and needs just count less.
They don’t.
I know you love this person. Love is a huge barrier to leaving bad relationships because being broken hearted is no joke.
It doesn’t matter what his reasons are or his diagnosis is, though. Because ultimately, you have chosen to evolve and work on yourself and he has, as you state, spent the last 10 years partying and watching YouTube. He doesn’t get to suddenly not be held accountable for this bullshit because he now wants to change.
Our decisions have consequences. He is witnessing the consequences of his.
And it is truly a decision. We can’t even be sure this is related to ADHD, because he doesn’t even have the diagnosis. You and he are just both taking for granted that this is out of his control. You’re grading him on a curve—a curve to which women never get access.
So let’s talk about alternatives to leaving.
Before you weigh options, I need you to understand the way boundaries work. A boundary is a rule for how you will behave in response to someone else’s behavior. Strong boundaries rely on consequences. In every healthy relationship, the continued existence of the relationship is premised on certain behavior; if a person violates these norms the relationship ends.
If you’re not willing to leave, it becomes much more difficult to enforce boundaries. This is why I always advise people to leave if things are too unmanageable.
You can still come up with some other boundaries, though. Those might look like:
No longer doing household labor that exclusively benefits him.
Limiting time together or contact.
Making certain things he wants contingent on pulling his weight.
Requiring demonstrable, actionable steps like finding a new therapist and treating any underlying medical conditions, if he wants the relationship to continue.
Please keep in mind that the fact that he has just now learned that you and your time have value is a problem in the extreme. The only reason you could possibly not see it that way is that you, too, undervalue yourself.
It’s a myth that men need to go through a long learning process to do better; that’s just an excuse that buys them time. He can start doing significantly better right now, and if he values you and your time, he will.
So what resources does he need? He might start by reading my Substack, especially 10 ways men can be less sexist and An open letter to all the men who want to ‘do better.’ If he has a defensive reaction, that’s a bad sign.
He needs to fire his therapist yesterday. So many therapists are doing much more harm than good. It’s incredibly ableist to assert that autistic people cannot change. It’s also untrue. Neurodivergence is never an excuse for bad behavior. Your couples therapist, too, must be holding him accountable and not just endlessly talking about feelings. You need clear treatment goals and a specific path forward—not amorphous wandering around in the backyard of your relationship forever.
Finally, I want you to think deeply about what you want and deserve for your life. The odds are very good that this behavior will get worse if he does not make immediate improvements now. Is this what you want forever?
It sounds like you have the ability to leave now. You might not later. And he can keep working on himself without you. I urge you to consider leaving. This gives him a chance to show you whether he was serious about making changes, or only giving lip service in an effort to keep you on the hook.
If he’s serious, you’ll see changes even if you leave. And leaving is the best way to protect yourself.
Please center yourself and your own needs. Don’t grade this man on a curve any longer.
"he has just now learned that you and your time have value". This hits at the heart of the issue. Men everywhere are waking up to the idea that women do (and should) value our time and energy. Unfortunately, more often than not, they respond with behavior that suggests they acknowledge that WE value our time, but THEY still don't. It just becomes another parameter they manipulate their way around, without any real impetus for change. They believe the myth that they can find and be in relationship with another woman who does not value her time.
The only way for this to change in the long run is for society to value women's time and energy the same as they do for men's. Wage and job inequality shows this hasn't yet happened. Until that happens, staying in a relationship with a man who does not value their partner's time the same will result in incomplete equalization of value, no matter what we do. Things can get better, but it won't be fully equal.
I can tell you, we tried the ADHD route. He got his diagnosis and meds, (he’s 50 btw), but it didn’t help the issues at all. It did coincide with him realizing how bad the marriage was, how he “knew he couldn’t change,” and that we needed to split. He’s gotten better at domestic labor and parenting since living on his own.