Do men view women as appliances?

In most heterosexual marriages, a woman is more like a refrigerator than a human being.

To misogynistic men—and that’s most of them—the women they marry, form partnerships with, and have children with are much more like appliances than people.

To the male apologists of the world, this might sound like extremist feminist nonsense. To any woman who has lived with a sexist man—and often, to any woman who has lived with a man who falsely claims to be a feminist—this is an obvious reality.

We don’t have to speculate to draw this conclusion, either. We need only to look at what men themselves say about the women in their lives. Spend some time in the manosphere, and you’ll see the same claims over and over:

• Women lose value as they age, and their primary value comes from their looks.

• Men have the right to a long list of demands about household labor, parenting, and sex. If they have a job, that’s all that’s necessary to justify these demands.

• Women who place any specific demands on men are unfeminine, unreasonable, and entitled.

• A man’s only value is as a paycheck, except for in divorce, where he should not have to provide a paycheck and should also be given full custody of his kids by default.

• Women should not be able to leave their relationships without the man’s approval.

• A woman owes her partner sex.

It’s not just right-wing circles, either. Moderate and even leftist men, including those who pretend to be feminists, often harbor similar views. They endorse the myth of the wife who left for no reason because they can’t hear their wives’ many reasons for leaving—or because they think no reason is valid. Perhaps that’s why divorced men are so angry, and why so many men seem to enjoy nothing more than speaking negatively about the women they claim to love.

Women often spend years trying to understand their male partners, speculating about the mysterious reasons behind obviously abusive behavior. They give men the benefit of the doubt at every turn. It’s not that he’s manipulating her into doing more labor so he doesn’t have to! It’s that he has ADHD (but only at home, where there are no consequences). It’s not that he’s an emotionally abusive shitbag. It’s that he has autism (even though his behavior toward his boss is fine). It’s not that he ignores all the labor the household requires. It’s that the human male does not have functional eyes. It’s not that he’s an abusive, low-effort parent. It’s that no one has ever loved him enough.

Notably, these excuses often stigmatize people with real struggles. Autism, for example, does not make people abusive, and women with ADHD often go to great lengths to keep everything together, no matter how hard it is for them. Women and children are not rehabilitation centers for abusive men, and no one is entitled to a relationship.

I propose that women stop making excuses for men, stop paying therapists and life coaches to convince them that a lifetime of oppression is ok, and that they look at the facts right in front of them.

Patriarchy is a system designed to benefit men at women’s expense. This is why patriarchy’s impact on different women varies so greatly. The extent to which a man must exploit or harm a woman to get what he wants varies. In the traditional sexist heterosexual marriage, though, a woman is a tool for men’s use. This is why patriarchy invests so much time and energy into convincing women to get married—and why sexist men are so outraged at the existence of single women.

From birth, women are taught that marriage is wonderful, and that it warrants all the sacrifices it demands. Society teaches us a wide range of skills, and instructs us to value men above all else. Men are taught nothing about relationships except that they deserve them. So they grow into adulthood thinking that showing up with a dick and a job should entitle them to whatever woman and whatever relationship services they desire.

The behavior of sexist men toward women makes much more sense when we acknowledge that they see us as appliances for their use, rather than actual human beings. Our value is directly proportional to our service. And if we are not serving them as they desire, then we are not entitled to even basic decency.

A dishwasher is supposed to wash dishes. Its job is not to ask for anything in return, nor to have feelings about how it washes the dishes. If it malfunctions and stops washing, you might try to fix it or hire someone else to fix it. The degree of investment in repairing it versus replacing it will depend on the expense and time involved in each. But ultimately, the goal will be to have a dishwasher that works according to specifications again. The dishwasher’s needs never figure into this.

This is why we see so many men become outraged when a woman changes the terms of the relationship, or dares to demand equality. It’s why men cannot fathom the possibility that they’re not entitled to sex—and why “she’s withholding sex” is an acceptable complaint in their minds. It’s why they think simply not abusing a woman means they’re good. After all, a dishwasher should be happy that you don’t kick it, right?

You can test this theory in your own life, as a way of countering false narratives about bumbling nice guys who mean well:

• When he yells at you or your kids, consider the possibility that he’s doing this because you’re not functioning as he thinks an appliance should.

• When he refuses to change his behavior, consider that this may be because he thinks he shouldn’t have to.

• When he won’t go to therapy, or when he only uses therapy as a way to drag out the inevitable, weigh the possibility that it’s because he thinks he doesn’t owe you anything; after all, you’re not a person in the same way he is.

Women across the globe are malfunctioning in record numbers, and men can’t fathom it. It’s why the narrative of the woman who left because he left a dish in the sink, or for no reason at all, has gained such traction. Men would rather label women crazy and flighty than ever consider the possibility of asking what they bring to the table.

To that man who’s been yelling at and exploiting you for years, you’re just an appliance—replaceable if necessary by a more compliant option.

So the question is: Will you treat yourself that way? Or will you accept your own full humanity and acknowledge the exploitation for what it is?

You might also like…