Do women pick bad men, or are abusers just skilled liars? Feminist Advice Friday paid subscriber bonus

A reader wonders if educating women about red flags will really protect them from abusive relationships.

I was so thrilled to get the following reader question for #feministadvicefriday because it cuts to the heart of a philosophical tension at the core of my work:

A reader asks…

So someone in one of my autistic groups made a post about her shitty husband leaving. And how she’s had a long string of shitty relationships. So someone commented that maybe she should try to figure out why she’s attracting/accepting those types of men.

So I pushed back (gently) on the narrative that somehow we pick those men, and instead that they are highly skilled liars and pick us.

So the commenter and I got into a really neat discussion, but we’re stumped: in saying that…..does that take away women’s agency?