Feminist Advice Friday, Bad Advice Edition: My daughter in law caught me badmouthing her

A woman gets caught badmouthing her daughter in law, and wants to know how best to punish her DIL for her hurt feelings.

It’s time for my new monthly feature—bad advice from other advice columnists, and what I’d do differently.

This month features a letter to Dear Abby, from a woman who badmouthed her daughter in law to her son and her daughter in law’s husband. The family’s Ring camera picked up the conversation. Daughter in Law is now angry, and while she will see her father in law, she refuses to see her mother in law. The mother in law wants to know if she should refuse to let her husband see her daughter in law, I guess as some sort of revenge for…hurting her daughter in law’s feelings?

It’s a mess, and this mother in law is clearly a bag full of disaster.

Dear Abby’s advice is to apologize and hope for forgiveness. That’s it.

The job of an advice columnist is to read subtext and offer insight greater than what the writer already has. So this advice isn’t bad exactly, or harmful. It’s just useless. The mother in law has already apologized, or so she claims. But there’s a lot that’s left unsaid in the letter, and that’s really what Abby needs to be addressing.

Here’s what Abby should have said:

Why were you badmouthing your daughter in law to her son? Your problem begins there. In speaking negatively about his wife to your son, you have inserted yourself into their marriage, and encouraged your son to prioritize you over his wife. He is not supposed to be your confidante. He’s supposed to be hers. How would you feel if your husband secretly spoke negatively to you about other people? That’s the core problem here: your shitty son, who allows you to speak negatively about his wife.

It’s no surprise that his behavior is bad, though, given that you raised him. Your daughter in law probably feels deeply hurt and alone, bullied by the man who pledged to love her unconditionally but who instead decided to participate in badmouthing her. No wonder she’s so upset.

You mentioned that you apologized to her. Let’s start there then. Did you really apologize? Or did you justify yourself, demean and diminish her feelings, and put the blame on her? I’m betting it’s the latter, especially given that you’re now trying to devise ways to punish her.

Here’s what a good apology would look like:

“I am so sorry for the way I spoke about you. It was wrong, I was wrong, and I feel deeply ashamed. I will reflect on why I thought this behavior was acceptable. I respect you and want a better relationship with you, but I know I have to earn it. I will do whatever it takes to repair the damage I have caused because you are my family. Please let me know if there is anything specific I can do. Again, I am very sorry.”

And then, give her time and space. And never, ever badmouth her again.

As far as access to her children, you don’t deserve it. When you badmouth a child’s parent, you demean the child. You subject them to a loyalty test. You engage in emotional abuse. Until you can show that you will never again do such a thing, you don’t deserve to see them.

I recommend therapy so you can figure out why you behave in this way and stop harming the people around you.