Feminist Advice Friday: Do you have any advice for dealing with sexism and microaggressions at work?
What can people do when they face abuse at work, where leaving and witty rejoinders aren't always possible?
A reader asks…
Work is a constant source of sexism and microaggressions. I need my job, can’t get fired, but also really can’t cope with how this affects my mental health. Do you have any advice for dealing with this endless bullshit?
My answer
It has been almost a decade since I have worked in an office. And I mostly avoid collaborating with other people because I find working with others so stressful, so rife with harmful cultural norms, so deeply obnoxious. So I should warn you that I am coming from a place of immense privilege, and I am not the best source of information on this topic.
The Ask a Manager blog, though, is an incredible font of wisdom on this and all workplace topics. The author is a compassionate, progressive feminist woman, and I’ve found that reading her work makes me smarter about work, social interactions, and tolerating the myriad challenges of life as a human.
Still, because you know I have something to say about everything, I have some ideas—many of which I have implemented in my (very few) interactions with my remote colleagues.
First, let me urge you to consider seeking legal advice. You remark that sexism and microaggressions are “constant” at work. This points to a hostile work environment that may violate the laws in your state/region/country.
Lots of folks are reluctant to seek legal advice. They’ve heard that lawyers are greedy, soul-sucking monsters who are only in it for the money. As the partner of a lawyer who is friends with dozens of lawyers, let me correct this: Lawyers often go into this work because they care deeply about justice. Moreover, the cultural bias against lawyers is there for a reason. By discouraging people to seek legal advice, this norm also discourages people from knowing, protecting, and asserting their rights.
Anti-lawyer culture is anti-justice culture.
You should always err on the side of seeking legal advice early. Know also that your communications with a lawyer are private; they legally can’t do anything without your permission, and hiring or talking to a lawyer does not mean you’re going to sue. It could mean getting legal advice for what you can and can’t say, gaining a better understanding of your rights, or paying a few hundred dollars for a letter that permanently shuts down the abuse.
In short: A good lawyer is your friend. Ask around. You may be surprised to learn that you have rights you don’t know about.
If your lawyer tells you there are legal issues, be sure to track and document everything to the greatest possible extent. Sometimes the simple act of documenting abuse can make you feel less crazy and less alone. It takes the sting out of the abuse by making the abuse ammunition for a claim against your employer.
If your work culture is toxic, I urge you to insulate yourself from it as much as you can. You don’t have to make work your life, or your co-workers your friends. Keep interactions minimal. Work remotely if it’s possible. The goal here is to protect your peace and minimize your exposure.
Some other things you can do to help mitigate a toxic work environment:
Band together with other women at work. It can feel less isolating when you have support from people like you, who share your disgust at a toxic workplace.
Report the abuse up the chain. Your manager/HR may not emotionally care about the abuse, but most companies do fear getting sued.
Play dumb. Demand an explanation for why jokes are funny. “I don’t get it! Can you explain it to me!” This serves two purposes: 1) it removes the power of the joke because the aggressor doesn’t get the reward of laughter; 2) it forces them to make the quiet part loud, and openly admit to their racism/sexism/other bullshit.
Don’t be nice about it. Sexist men are used to women going along to get along. Duck away from the hug. Don’t laugh at the stupid joke. Don’t be excessively friendly.
Make it awkward. “What a weird thing to say.” “Why would you say that?” “Sounds like you really dislike women.”
Remember that your work self is a performance. If you have to act a certain way to cope, it can be helpful to view this as a mask unrelated to your real self.
Keep your personal life separate. Reveal as little information as you can, because this makes it much more difficult for colleagues to weaponize that information.
Claim what’s yours. If a man tries to take your idea in a meeting, try something like, “Thanks, Jonathan, for drawing attention to my idea. As I was saying…”
Refuse to allow yourself to be interrupted. Keep talking no matter what if a man tries to interrupt you (unless he is your boss, in which case you may have to tolerate it).
Readers, what strategies have you successfully implemented to manage sexism at work?
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The “seek legal advice early” is the best advice. I did not, I burnt out, and I pretty much lost my mind.
I had a boss who was the only one in the department without a degree. And one of the two only managers without lived experience (homeless services). He got the job because he’d gone to high school with someone else at the organization.
He had this habit of pushing projects and collaborations with other organizations and board positions off on me, and then when I’d excel and get invited to even more things, he then started picking away at me, pissed at me getting community recognition instead of him. All while continuing to pile more shit on, even as far as calling me out for not checking the mail. Wut? Is there literally no one else that can check the mail?
I was salary, and when I left I was working about 20 hours a week for free because my workload was so heavy. But secretly working from home so he wouldn’t admonish me for not getting such a ridiculous amount of work done while at the office.
He also told me in 2019, when my husband first started hitting me, that I needed to “get him under control”. Because my husband had started calling all of my co-workers to talk shit about me, to get them on his side.
I’m any case, I calculated it, and with everything I was doing, I was worth about $70/hour. I was making $22. My admin was making $21. And when I asked for $2/hour more so I could leave my abusive husband, boss said “nope.”
But looking back, way to 2019, and honestly before that, I should’ve sought legal advice early. Perhaps my life and my mental health wouldn’t be in a shithole right now.
Thanks for the post
Good column. I especially like the anti-lawyer = anti-justice thought. I’d never done the math that way and found your words to be useful, like usual.
It’s helpful to keep in mind that there are toxic people in every field and that there are good people also.