Feminist Advice Friday: How do I get my mother to stop commenting on my daughter's body?
I know it's harmful, but she thinks she's doing something helpful.
A reader asks…
My mother is so lovely that it pains me to criticize her. She’s an exceptional grandmother, but she also comes from an older generation. She thinks being thin is good and moral, and that girls benefit from being told they are thin. And it shows. She constantly comments on how thin my daughter is, usually in an approving tone. But sometimes it’s just a random topic of conversation, “Oh, with how thin Daughter is…”
I can’t stand that she’s making my daughter’s body such a constant subject of conversation, and I know it’s harmful. Can you give me language to explain to my mother why she needs to stop?
My answer:
Too often, people write to me about relatives who are deliberately harming their children, or who are doing so accidentally, but who are so selfish and narcissistic that they cannot be convinced to change.
I’m so happy to get a different type of letter today. The running gag among advice columnists is that 90% of advice boils down to “communicate your feelings.” I don’t agree with that. People are usually dealing with layers upon layers of social conditioning, defensiveness, insecurity, and false notions of what a good relationship is.
Except here. If your mother is truly as lovely as you say she is, then I think you can just be direct. The challenge, I think, is that it can be much harder to confront fundamentally good people. We don’t want to hurt them. And we’re not prepared to draw the same sort of firm boundaries we might draw with someone who was fundamentally abusive.
Tell her exactly what you have told me. Here’s a suggested script:
Mom, your relationship with X is one of the great joys of my life. Watching you be a grandmother to her is amazing. But just like carseat standards have changed over time, some parenting research has, too. We now know that commenting on a girls’ appearance, even in a positive manner, is harmful.
Think about it, mom. If you tell her that being thin is good, what happens if she’s ever not thin? She’s going to feel bad about herself. And I know you don’t want that. I know you also know that a person doesn’t have total control over their weight, and that a host of factors—including medical conditions—could cause her to be not thin one day. What about if she decides to have a child and feels fat in pregnancy? I don’t want her beloved grandmother’s words to be the hurtful thing that echoes in her head, causing her to hate herself.
Your mom might feel defensive at first. Most people do when they’re confronted with something harmful they are doing. So don’t be surprised if you get some pushback. Give her a couple of days to process if you need to. And then revisit.
She’s going to need something else to replace her thinness talk. I’ve covered that topic here.
Next up is rectifying any damage to your daughter. Because this needs to be the priority, even if doing so hurts your mother’s feelings. Thinness as a value encourages the development of eating disorders, of self-loathing, of people-pleasing, and on depending on men for a sense of self-esteem. It’s not something you want for your daughter.
You don’t mention how old she is, so you’ll need to adapt your message to her age and understanding. Start giving her these messages with some regularity:
Being thin does not mean anything about a person’s health or habits. Some people are naturally thin. Some people are thin because they are sick. Some people are thin because of what they do or do not eat. Bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and not everyone can or should try to control their body.
Some people are obsessed with bodies looking a certain way. This is sick, wrong, and harmful. You do not need to have a body that pleases others, or look a certain way.
If you hear people talking about other people’s bodies, it is a sign of their harmful, hurtful thought processes. It usually means the speaker has serious body image issues of their own.
Keep at it. Thanks to mothers like you, we can make our generation the last generation that is obsessed with appearance and thinness. Your daughter is so much more than her body.
Readers, what do you think? Have you had any luck getting relatives to stop commenting on your child’s body?