Two of my close friends are in this situation right now. In one situation, he was emotionally abusive, using various substances heavily, and physically violence. She moved 100s of miles away with her children and is trying to restart her life. I'm not sure what will happen. Things are very hard for her right now. In the other situation, it is pure emotional abuse.
Two things that have been helpful for me when friends are dealing with this terrifying stuff:
1. Find the contact info for your local women's shelter. They often have a 24-7 crisis line and are going to be way more knowledgeable and skilled at supporting someone in crisis vs. the police.
2. When the abuser is trying to claim that they have changed, and things will be better: gently ask the question: "has this ever happened before? That he's said he'd do something and didn't deliver?" getting at the question of words vs. actions.
I will say my friends have also needed tremendous amounts of (understandable) reassurance that they're not stupid for having tolerated abuse and for loving their abuser and wanting it to work out. Sometimes it has been hard for me to not scream "he's never going to change!!! and even if he's the one in a million that does, you can't wait around for it!!!" but I talk about that frustration with other people.
From what I've observed, "Trust her as an expert on her own life" and "don't abandon her" are so important. For my friend with the physically abusive partner described below, a family member told her, "if you don't leave him already, I'm just going to stop talking to you." I understand where they were coming from and how they got there (the frustration, the pain, the sadness, feeling a lack of control) but WHEW that was not helpful to my friend!
This advice is centred on hole to help your friends. I wonder too how you can stay energised and seperate enough to be a good friend without being burned out. Spending regenerative time with other people in healthy relationships and doing things that fill you up.
Someone avoiding normalising my choices would have helped massively for me, and helped me become aware of the abuse years sooner than I did. My family of origin was an abusive one and I grew up thinking that’s what love looked like. You might not be popular doing it but women who are abused need to hear that it’s not okay and not normal, repeatedly!!
YES to getting her to speak to a lawyer. When I was leaving my abusive marriage, people filled my head with horror stories of their divorces and I thought I was SO fucked.
When I actually called the lawyer for a consultation, he laughed for a solid minute. Not at me, but at how much he could offer me. He handed me off to one of his associates, a very nice woman, and they definitely came through for me. Nothing I was scared of came true (and my ex tried). Plus, the consultation was free. There is nothing to lose to get some peace of mind.
Also, I've been the friend who is in an abusive relationship that drags on and on and knows it. So, yes: We KNOW it exhausts you, know it's a huge burden to place on others, and we know it strains our other relationships.
But the thing is: People go through plenty of other horribly draining things that are culturally unacceptable to end friendships over, like cancer or loss in the family. Isn't it interesting how abuse is not one of them? It's almost like the culture is built to aid and abet abusers (it is).
Just try to remember: However hard it is for you, I guarantee it is 50x harder for us at a BARE minimum. Every single day.
This is wonderful, but I am in a slightly different situation. My sister is in an abusive relationship, but she sees everything that's wrong with it and still doesn't want to leave. Her stakes are lower, too. They aren't married, have no kids, and he lives with his parents nearby. He (as far as I know) does nothing physical, and it doesn't help that he is still (as insane as it sounds) leaps and bounds better than her last horrible relationship with a different, even worse leech for many years. But this guy is an alcoholic, cheats on her, constantly uses her for money and her time (she drives him to and from work - when he goes), and offers very little in exchange. He can be fun to be around, but likes to party (on her dime) and he's not supportive at all. He definitely manipulates her. She knows all of this. But she also knows there is worse out there, and she doesn't want to be alone. It's costing her way more than she gets out of it, but she just can't see it that way. I'm at a loss. I want her to be happy. She knows she could benefit from therapy, but it's hard for her to put those resources together as she is often cash strapped and worries about money a lot. Besides paying for it myself (which I'm definitely considering once we have the extra resources to provide that support), any advice on what to do or say or how to handle her breakdowns you guys have, lay it on me. :(
I wonder how to show someone that "being alone" is not the worst thing that can happen? Do you have any mutual examples of a single woman living her best life?
Good question, but sadly, no. I don't watch reality tv, but she does. Any examples there people know about? Didn't a Kardashian leave her crazy, abusive husband?
Zawn you are a beacon of hope. Thank you again (always) for your writing.
My two cents to add... remember that you don't have to save your friend. She is capable of saving herself. She has survived this far. She is a warrior already. She just needs the right circumstances and support to get her through to a better place. Don't always feel like you have to provide answers or solutions. Just be there as a friend, listen (really listen), tell her she's amazing and she'll find a way through. Validate her feelings. And yes friendships need to be two ways, those of us who have been through abuse do realise this and we know that you're also having hard times in your life, it's not a competition of who has it worse, we do want to listen to your struggles too - and sometimes it actually helps us feel better! If we're not listening to you as much as you listen to us then please (gently) let us know. We truly value your friendship and want it to continue. As someone who has quiet quit friendships and family relationships because of lack of support these are the things that would have helped.
This is such an important topic. I firmly believe that women need to hear non-normalising opinions from multiple people in a variety of situations to be able to believe themselves about the abuse that's occurring. They're already being likely gaslit by their partners and society at large. I am deeply grateful to those who made suggestions to me that my ex husbands behaviour was not normal, and I look back and see moments in time where I, unknowingly at the time, really wanted someone to warn me, but they didn't. I would tell people things in the hope that they'd say "hmm... bit of a red flag there", or "mate, that's not on, why are you still seeing him?" Looking back, it's hurtful that people often ate their words and either normalised his behaviour and/or just stopped talking to me so they didnt have to bear the discomfort.
For my darling best friend who I can see walking into a train wreck, I am honest with her and say "I think marrying him is an awful idea and you shouldn't do it. But, you are my friend and I love you, and I'll be here for you and be happy for you when you're happy and I'll be here to support you if it goes to shit. Please never be afraid to tell me anything."
"My partner would do X instead" is so powerful. When my friends with healthy relationships would tell me how their husbands react to things like being asked to discuss something, or being called out for disrespectful behavior, I had my mind blown. I thought all men (and all intimate relationships for that matter) sounded like mine - excuses, defensiveness, turning the blame around on someone else.
My brother-in-law & sister-in-law have an extremely obvious (to me, anyway), physically abusive relationship. It's been that way the whole time I've known them (15 yrs) and it is HARD to watch.
I have done a lot of things Zawn says, I push back at the excuses, I validate her frustrations, and point out the obvious lies. And I reach out to her only, over and over again, whenever I have the energy. I offer her suggestions and practical support. I remind her that the rest of the family does NOT have her best interests in mind. I remind her that we (me and my kids) love her and would love to have her move in with us.
And I am also that friend in an abusive relationship. In the middle of figuring stuff out, I most appreciated the normalization of what a healthy relationship actually looks like and the occasional space to just vent. For me, the most useful thing is when people summarize what they think I said. Sometimes it's kind of shocking, but usually in a good "I hadn't thought about it like that" way.
I am a recently divorced survivor of 31 years in an abusive marriage. There is an excellent book for helpers by Susan Brewster called Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women. https://www.amazon.com/Helping-Her-Get-Free-Families/dp/1580051677 (formerly titled Be An Anchor in the Storm). It is intended for helpers, but as a survivor I found it really helped me to understand why I stayed in the relationship so long. Also, if the friend is a Christian, any books by Natalie Hoffman, Leslie Vernick, and Helena Knowlton are very helpful, as well as the groups that the three of them offer: Flying Free, Conquer, and Arise, respectively. Non-Christian books by Patricia Evans and Lundy Bancroft are also very good. I would also recommend a divorce coach such as Deborah Doak, before hiring a lawyer. A divorce coach can help your friend know what to ask a lawyer and what to expect in divorce proceedings, which will save lots of time and money in the long run.
I've been wanting to ask this question for a while.
I have my own story but it's hard not to relive the desperate feelings and want it all to happen 'now' for someone else. I have to remind myself that the process of leaving was a pretty slow burn (I didn't have access to this wonderful page at that time) and as much as the coercive beliefs have internalised through a slow 'drip, drip', the reverse of that may need to be the same, i.e. for friends, family, media, pages like this to produce a slow drip, drip of conscious and unconscious truth that eventually can't be ignored.
Of course eventually a decision needs to be made but I look back and recognise there was far more than one decision to leave in that process. Decisions to quit being a doormat, withdrawing from activities and behaviours that only met his needs, beginning to increase investment in my own pleasure (even if this wasn't public), building up my business leading to more financial independence, looking after my body and my choices around sex more etc (I was lucky I could). These all contributed to a slow creep towards independence - I see quiet quitting in this too.
Fear of retribution, weaponised dependence, fear of managing alone, the unknown, breaking vows, being the one to call time (bring havoc and destruction on the family unit more like!) etc. are all obstacles to eventually leaving. But I look back and I see things my friends said as drips into that bucket - "What do you mean, he won't "let" you?", "But what do you want, it seems it's only about him?", "I couldn't live that, isn't that demeaning?" and so on. They land but they can't be validated until we are ready. That's our process, but support in getting there is vital.
Not staying quiet about abuse and coercive or controlling behaviours is so important but also not expecting it's easy to leave, to even see it until we wake up fully and being in it with them for the long haul is what counts.
I would add do not offer ‘normal’ relationship advice - as this is not valid or helpful in unhealthy controlling and abusive relationships. Do not tell people who are being badly treated to communicate how it makes them feel. Abusers already know and they don’t care.
Two of my close friends are in this situation right now. In one situation, he was emotionally abusive, using various substances heavily, and physically violence. She moved 100s of miles away with her children and is trying to restart her life. I'm not sure what will happen. Things are very hard for her right now. In the other situation, it is pure emotional abuse.
Two things that have been helpful for me when friends are dealing with this terrifying stuff:
1. Find the contact info for your local women's shelter. They often have a 24-7 crisis line and are going to be way more knowledgeable and skilled at supporting someone in crisis vs. the police.
2. When the abuser is trying to claim that they have changed, and things will be better: gently ask the question: "has this ever happened before? That he's said he'd do something and didn't deliver?" getting at the question of words vs. actions.
I will say my friends have also needed tremendous amounts of (understandable) reassurance that they're not stupid for having tolerated abuse and for loving their abuser and wanting it to work out. Sometimes it has been hard for me to not scream "he's never going to change!!! and even if he's the one in a million that does, you can't wait around for it!!!" but I talk about that frustration with other people.
Thanks for this Zawn - this is so timely for me!
From what I've observed, "Trust her as an expert on her own life" and "don't abandon her" are so important. For my friend with the physically abusive partner described below, a family member told her, "if you don't leave him already, I'm just going to stop talking to you." I understand where they were coming from and how they got there (the frustration, the pain, the sadness, feeling a lack of control) but WHEW that was not helpful to my friend!
This advice is centred on hole to help your friends. I wonder too how you can stay energised and seperate enough to be a good friend without being burned out. Spending regenerative time with other people in healthy relationships and doing things that fill you up.
Self care is so important, you can't give from empty !
Someone avoiding normalising my choices would have helped massively for me, and helped me become aware of the abuse years sooner than I did. My family of origin was an abusive one and I grew up thinking that’s what love looked like. You might not be popular doing it but women who are abused need to hear that it’s not okay and not normal, repeatedly!!
YES to getting her to speak to a lawyer. When I was leaving my abusive marriage, people filled my head with horror stories of their divorces and I thought I was SO fucked.
When I actually called the lawyer for a consultation, he laughed for a solid minute. Not at me, but at how much he could offer me. He handed me off to one of his associates, a very nice woman, and they definitely came through for me. Nothing I was scared of came true (and my ex tried). Plus, the consultation was free. There is nothing to lose to get some peace of mind.
Also, I've been the friend who is in an abusive relationship that drags on and on and knows it. So, yes: We KNOW it exhausts you, know it's a huge burden to place on others, and we know it strains our other relationships.
But the thing is: People go through plenty of other horribly draining things that are culturally unacceptable to end friendships over, like cancer or loss in the family. Isn't it interesting how abuse is not one of them? It's almost like the culture is built to aid and abet abusers (it is).
Just try to remember: However hard it is for you, I guarantee it is 50x harder for us at a BARE minimum. Every single day.
This is wonderful, but I am in a slightly different situation. My sister is in an abusive relationship, but she sees everything that's wrong with it and still doesn't want to leave. Her stakes are lower, too. They aren't married, have no kids, and he lives with his parents nearby. He (as far as I know) does nothing physical, and it doesn't help that he is still (as insane as it sounds) leaps and bounds better than her last horrible relationship with a different, even worse leech for many years. But this guy is an alcoholic, cheats on her, constantly uses her for money and her time (she drives him to and from work - when he goes), and offers very little in exchange. He can be fun to be around, but likes to party (on her dime) and he's not supportive at all. He definitely manipulates her. She knows all of this. But she also knows there is worse out there, and she doesn't want to be alone. It's costing her way more than she gets out of it, but she just can't see it that way. I'm at a loss. I want her to be happy. She knows she could benefit from therapy, but it's hard for her to put those resources together as she is often cash strapped and worries about money a lot. Besides paying for it myself (which I'm definitely considering once we have the extra resources to provide that support), any advice on what to do or say or how to handle her breakdowns you guys have, lay it on me. :(
I wonder how to show someone that "being alone" is not the worst thing that can happen? Do you have any mutual examples of a single woman living her best life?
Good question, but sadly, no. I don't watch reality tv, but she does. Any examples there people know about? Didn't a Kardashian leave her crazy, abusive husband?
Zawn you are a beacon of hope. Thank you again (always) for your writing.
My two cents to add... remember that you don't have to save your friend. She is capable of saving herself. She has survived this far. She is a warrior already. She just needs the right circumstances and support to get her through to a better place. Don't always feel like you have to provide answers or solutions. Just be there as a friend, listen (really listen), tell her she's amazing and she'll find a way through. Validate her feelings. And yes friendships need to be two ways, those of us who have been through abuse do realise this and we know that you're also having hard times in your life, it's not a competition of who has it worse, we do want to listen to your struggles too - and sometimes it actually helps us feel better! If we're not listening to you as much as you listen to us then please (gently) let us know. We truly value your friendship and want it to continue. As someone who has quiet quit friendships and family relationships because of lack of support these are the things that would have helped.
So good: "remember that you don't have to save your friend. She is capable of saving herself."
This is such an important topic. I firmly believe that women need to hear non-normalising opinions from multiple people in a variety of situations to be able to believe themselves about the abuse that's occurring. They're already being likely gaslit by their partners and society at large. I am deeply grateful to those who made suggestions to me that my ex husbands behaviour was not normal, and I look back and see moments in time where I, unknowingly at the time, really wanted someone to warn me, but they didn't. I would tell people things in the hope that they'd say "hmm... bit of a red flag there", or "mate, that's not on, why are you still seeing him?" Looking back, it's hurtful that people often ate their words and either normalised his behaviour and/or just stopped talking to me so they didnt have to bear the discomfort.
For my darling best friend who I can see walking into a train wreck, I am honest with her and say "I think marrying him is an awful idea and you shouldn't do it. But, you are my friend and I love you, and I'll be here for you and be happy for you when you're happy and I'll be here to support you if it goes to shit. Please never be afraid to tell me anything."
"My partner would do X instead" is so powerful. When my friends with healthy relationships would tell me how their husbands react to things like being asked to discuss something, or being called out for disrespectful behavior, I had my mind blown. I thought all men (and all intimate relationships for that matter) sounded like mine - excuses, defensiveness, turning the blame around on someone else.
My brother-in-law & sister-in-law have an extremely obvious (to me, anyway), physically abusive relationship. It's been that way the whole time I've known them (15 yrs) and it is HARD to watch.
I have done a lot of things Zawn says, I push back at the excuses, I validate her frustrations, and point out the obvious lies. And I reach out to her only, over and over again, whenever I have the energy. I offer her suggestions and practical support. I remind her that the rest of the family does NOT have her best interests in mind. I remind her that we (me and my kids) love her and would love to have her move in with us.
And I am also that friend in an abusive relationship. In the middle of figuring stuff out, I most appreciated the normalization of what a healthy relationship actually looks like and the occasional space to just vent. For me, the most useful thing is when people summarize what they think I said. Sometimes it's kind of shocking, but usually in a good "I hadn't thought about it like that" way.
I am a recently divorced survivor of 31 years in an abusive marriage. There is an excellent book for helpers by Susan Brewster called Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women. https://www.amazon.com/Helping-Her-Get-Free-Families/dp/1580051677 (formerly titled Be An Anchor in the Storm). It is intended for helpers, but as a survivor I found it really helped me to understand why I stayed in the relationship so long. Also, if the friend is a Christian, any books by Natalie Hoffman, Leslie Vernick, and Helena Knowlton are very helpful, as well as the groups that the three of them offer: Flying Free, Conquer, and Arise, respectively. Non-Christian books by Patricia Evans and Lundy Bancroft are also very good. I would also recommend a divorce coach such as Deborah Doak, before hiring a lawyer. A divorce coach can help your friend know what to ask a lawyer and what to expect in divorce proceedings, which will save lots of time and money in the long run.
I've been wanting to ask this question for a while.
I have my own story but it's hard not to relive the desperate feelings and want it all to happen 'now' for someone else. I have to remind myself that the process of leaving was a pretty slow burn (I didn't have access to this wonderful page at that time) and as much as the coercive beliefs have internalised through a slow 'drip, drip', the reverse of that may need to be the same, i.e. for friends, family, media, pages like this to produce a slow drip, drip of conscious and unconscious truth that eventually can't be ignored.
Of course eventually a decision needs to be made but I look back and recognise there was far more than one decision to leave in that process. Decisions to quit being a doormat, withdrawing from activities and behaviours that only met his needs, beginning to increase investment in my own pleasure (even if this wasn't public), building up my business leading to more financial independence, looking after my body and my choices around sex more etc (I was lucky I could). These all contributed to a slow creep towards independence - I see quiet quitting in this too.
Fear of retribution, weaponised dependence, fear of managing alone, the unknown, breaking vows, being the one to call time (bring havoc and destruction on the family unit more like!) etc. are all obstacles to eventually leaving. But I look back and I see things my friends said as drips into that bucket - "What do you mean, he won't "let" you?", "But what do you want, it seems it's only about him?", "I couldn't live that, isn't that demeaning?" and so on. They land but they can't be validated until we are ready. That's our process, but support in getting there is vital.
Not staying quiet about abuse and coercive or controlling behaviours is so important but also not expecting it's easy to leave, to even see it until we wake up fully and being in it with them for the long haul is what counts.
I would add do not offer ‘normal’ relationship advice - as this is not valid or helpful in unhealthy controlling and abusive relationships. Do not tell people who are being badly treated to communicate how it makes them feel. Abusers already know and they don’t care.