Feminist Advice Friday: I'm raising my stepkids and my husband doesn't share income with me.
We signed a prenup that means I don't share his income. But I'm doing all of the parenting, all of the household labor, and getting nothing in return.
A Reader Asks…
I am in a second marriage with a truly special man. We love each other dearly, but I do struggle with some of the things you discuss.
I am living with him and raising my three stepkids, which is a lot of service but I get to have the experience of kids (I could not) and a family, which I mostly enjoy. We signed a prenuptial agreement, so our finances are separate, except food/ utilities. He pays for 80%. I do ALL of the shopping and cooking, about 4-5 nights a week. Good deal for him, right? That’s mostly OK. What I have not agreed to and I am NOT OK with is being the carpool driver, maid and manager of EVERYTHING else household related. Unfortunately, I find myself in those roles more often than not. He has a hard time taking initiative in the house.
He is gone for 12 hours of the day with a very demanding job. He’s pretty drained when he gets home. I work from home with a flexible schedule. I am also starting a farm and I’m very pressed for time these days. I enjoy my work but it’s demanding.
Sorry this is so wordy
I think there is this assumption that his job is so incredibly hard and he’s gone so much that all of this should fall on me. It does feel like too much for me, also. I take too much time away from my work for all this.
I’m not as limited as he is in energy or time. But, it’s unfair right? I think if we didn’t have a prenup it would be better, but we signed a document saying we are NOT sharing in income. So why am I doing most/ almost all of the labor at home, even if I’m home more?
I trust my gut. My boundaries are crossed. But my brain gets involved, I feel selfish, it’s not that bad, we are fortunate, etc. It’s hard because he really can’t do more in his current setup. But so it’s just automatically mine?
Appreciate your perspective. Again, I know this is wordy but I needed to spell it out. I’ll take it to a therapist if it’s too much here.
My answer
I’ll be honest: I kept typing answers to your question, then abandoning them. Each component of this problem felt like a tiny thread that, when I pulled it, revealed a much bigger hole. Your question seems straightforward, but it’s actually incredibly overwhelming. There’s a lot of information here, a lot to process, and a whole lot that is going wrong.
I suspect that this is why you’re not seeing what’s apparent to me: Your relationship is incredibly exploitative. But there’s so much happening here that it’s easy to get distracted and overwhelmed. You, like many women being gaslit by their partners, probably often wonder if you are crazy. Rest assured, you are not.
So let’s start at the beginning of your relationship, when your spouse who earns more than you asked you to sign a prenup ensuring he does not have to share that money with you.
What in the actual fuck?
It’s one thing to protect assets earned prior to the marriage. Or even to keep finances mostly separate. But when spouses keep marital income separate, the goal is clear: to keep one spouse in a financially disadvantaged position.
Your husband began this marriage by financially disadvantaging you. And then, he immediately began demanding favors like raising his kids.
You say he is working 12-hour days. Those days are, indeed, long. But they are not as long as yours. Because you are working a typical work day, and then spending the rest of the day raising his children. You are potentially working a 24-hour day, and certainly always working more than 12 hours.
So we know two things about this man:
He wants to financially disadvantage you.
He wants you to have to do more of the childrearing and housework than he does.
2 is directly related to 1, because he knows that if you’re financially disadvantaged, it is harder for your to leave, and therefore harder for him to lose his servant. You say he is special, but this doesn’t sound very special. It sounds like a more extreme and more unbalanced version of the typical heterosexual marriage.
At the very least, it is time to fundamentally reconfigure expectations in this marriage. The rules need to be:
Family money is shared, and everyone pays for expenses proportionate to their income. But if he expects you to be the primary caretaker of his children so that he can work, he needs to immediately begin paying 100%.
When he is home, he needs to split the labor with you 50%. His fatigue is not more important than yours. His time is not more important than yours.
That prenup needs to be revisited, because I am quite confident this man intends to use you to raise his children and then leave you when the hard work of parenting is behind you.
You know your situation is unfair. But you had to write to me to validate that it is because you are living in a household where your time, your humanity, your energy, and your needs are all devalued.
I think you need to begin developing a plan to get out if your husband is unwilling to immediately change how you’re doing things.
It always hurts my heart to see a woman give up her financial independence for unpaid labor in the name of love or to feel like she has a family. I’m so sorry that man dumped HIS parental responsibilities on her :( How is it her job to parent HIS kids???? His job is demanding?! He should go and get a new job! He’s always exhausted after work?? He should manage his time and effort better!! He can make all the choices to make sure HE is available to do his parenting. But his choice is …. dump it all on the woman who became vulnerable because of his shinanigans.
This man really sucks.
I was a stepmom. Never again unless he is the best man I’ve ever met.