Feminist Advice Friday: Is infidelity abuse?
A reader's husband cheated, and now says she should just get over it.
A reader asks…
Is infidelity abuse?
I have been with my husband for 20 years. When we first met we were in our late 20s, and we had lots of previous relationship experience. Amongst discussing our hopes and dreams, I made it clear that I needed a monogamous relationship and he agreed. We were (I thought) very much in love and were very happy for a long time. I owned the house I lived in when we met, and he always lived with me. As children came along, I also paid for his university education from the remainder of my family’s money. I also assumed the bulk of the care giving and domestic labour while working.
Two years ago I discovered that he had been cheating on me with sex workers (sex work is legal and regulated in my state). I was, naturally, devastated and we have been attempting different strategies to stay together for the sake of our children, including an ‘open’ arrangement. He has since admitted that he has been doing this the entire time we were together. He feels that we should be ‘moving past’ this now, he insists that it was not emotional infidelity and it has nothing to do with his feelings for me, that he loves me and always has, and has no desire to be with other women any more.
I am still utterly devastated and in agony, and every time I wake up I remember the nightmare that is my life and what he has done, I can barely breathe. I brought two children into this relationship thinking it was a faithful one. I’m consumed with guilt and humiliation. Splitting up my family will also mean financial hardship for me and my children.
I know after years on this planet that long term monogamy is fraught and often unachievable, but I can’t bring myself to accept my situation and move on. I’m utterly lost.
My answer
I think it’s interesting that you frame your question in terms of “Is infidelity is abuse?” This tells me that you think you perhaps have to justify leaving, and that abuse may be the only viable justification.
A better question would be, “Should I leave a relationship with a man who is not committed to honoring his agreements, and who disregards my feelings?”
I’m going to answer both.
You may be surprised to learn that I don’t think infidelity is always abusive. I think the notion of infidelity as the worst thing a person can do in a relationships is often weaponized against women. Misogynist men think they own women’s bodies, and they claim infidelity when they want to justify whatever terrible abuse they’ve inflicted. Infidelity is far from the worst thing a person can do in a marriage. I think the everyday stealing of women’s lives in the typical relationship, for example, is far more harmful than run-of-the mill cheating.
But my personal philosophy on infidelity is really irrelevant.
Because you are most decidedly in an abusive relationship, and the infidelity is probably the least of it. Even if you weren’t being abused, though, I need you to hear this:
You are allowed to leave a marriage that makes you unhappy. And in most cases, a happy, healthy, thriving mother is far more important to children than their parents staying together.
I write in more detail about the harmful idea of staying together for the kids here.
I can feel your pain spilling out into your letter. And that pain is the reason you deserve to move on. Whether or not your husband can fix things, whether they are fixable, is irrelevant. Because your husband has made clear that he does not want to fix things.
He’s told you it’s time to move past this. He’s telling you how you are allowed to feel about his behavior. I’m guessing this isn’t the only instance in which he tries to control your feelings, or paint you as excessively emotional and crazy. But even if it is, this is not the behavior of someone who wants to be accountable. It’s the behavior of someone who wants to escape blame and move on.
You don’t get to hurt someone and then tell them how to feel. That’s not love. He is treating you as a possession he gets to control. And by the way, if there’s someone in this situation whose emotions are wrong, it’s him. He should feel immense remorse. He should be groveling. He doesn’t and he’s not.
I know this is incredibly painful to hear, but I’m going to say it anyway: Your husband does not love you enough to fix the harm he has caused. And he therefore does not love you enough to stay in a relationship with you.
Everything else—whether monogamy is possible, whether the affair was emotional—is all just a distraction.
What matters is that he hurt you and he won’t fix it. Your husband knows you’re in agony. His response is that he doesn’t owe you any particular duty of care to fix it.
Fuck that guy.
I wrote earlier this week that emotional dependency tends to keep women in abusive and harmful relationships. Women understandably want love. The idea of a shattered fairytale, of the person you love not loving you back, of all of your effort going into nothing, is devastating. This is why you don’t want to leave. You want your life to have turned out differently, but you are not at the end of your life! There is still time to write a new, and better, story.
You got two children out of this relationship. All is not lost. Your efforts did matter. Your love did matter, even if the outcome isn’t what you hope. So don’t despair. But don’t pour any more love into this marriage. It’s being wasted now on someone who does not see you as fully worthy of accountability.
You mention financial concerns, which are the main reason most women stay in bad marriages. I don’t know your financial situation, so I’m going to give you two pieces of advice:
Meet with at least three divorce attorneys right now. They generally offer free consultations. Do not get advice from random strangers online, or even worse, from your husband. The only person who can help you understand what your financial situation is likely to be after divorce is someone who knows the specifics of your situation and the laws in your area. Meeting with a divorce lawyer doesn’t mean you have to leave.
Ask yourself how significant the financial harm is likely to be, given what you know about your family finances. Then ask yourself if ending the agony with your husband is worth that level of financial harm. There’s no right answer. I don’t know a single divorced woman who regrets her decision. But I also know a lot of women who have stayed in bad marriages to protect their kids from poverty. You know your situation best.
If you can’t leave, I urge you to quiet quit. Stop engaging with this asshole. Stop arguing with him. Stop seeking emotional support. You won’t get it. Let him be the one agonizing over the lack of love and support. Let him bear the full weight of the pain he has inflicted—whether that’s by being stuck in a marriage with a woman who no longer loves him, or by finally being kicked to the curb.
I’m sorry this happened to you. You don’t deserve it. And you also don’t deserve to waste more of your life agonizing over whether to stay.
Readers, what do you think?
I think this is spot on. Deciding what to do in the face of infidelity is a complicated thing because so much can depend on context (was it a one-time thing or an ongoing, longterm betrayal? Is the offending party truly committed to making amends? Etc). It really depends on the specific situation for that relationship. However, lying from the start about something this important to a partner and then refusing to take accountability and telling the partner to get over their hurt are really the issue. (Not to mention, this claim that it's not emotional infidelity smacks of this guy just trying to unilaterally and manipulatively change the terms of the agreement that were there from the outset of the relationship. The LW deserves better respect and regard for her feelings and wishes.)
You are spot on here - “fuck that guy” - and not the happy way.