I think this is spot on. Deciding what to do in the face of infidelity is a complicated thing because so much can depend on context (was it a one-time thing or an ongoing, longterm betrayal? Is the offending party truly committed to making amends? Etc). It really depends on the specific situation for that relationship. However, lying from the start about something this important to a partner and then refusing to take accountability and telling the partner to get over their hurt are really the issue. (Not to mention, this claim that it's not emotional infidelity smacks of this guy just trying to unilaterally and manipulatively change the terms of the agreement that were there from the outset of the relationship. The LW deserves better respect and regard for her feelings and wishes.)
Ughhh this poor excuse for a human makes me furious. How dare he. I am so sorry OP, you deserve so much better. I very much agree with Zawn about the divorce attorneys, please get some advice on what your options are. My Mother did in the 70’s, and it sparked a confidence in her that she needed to move on (and then she met my Dad, and the rest is history).
Don’t let the abuser hold you down, they’re masters at convincing you that you need them to survive. You deserve a beautiful life, and so do your kiddos. We are all with you!
I disagree about infidelity not being abuse though. I think if you've agreed to a monogamous relationship with someone, then infidelity is not something you've consented to. It's a deception that would change a person's decision on whether to have sex/be kind/live with the cheater. Removing someone's ability to consent (by them not having all relevant information) is abuse.
I do take your point about accusations being weaponised, but I'm still not sure I agree. Food for thought.
She should absolutely ditch this prick - how DARE he. Life is too short to waste with someone who isn't excited to be with you.
OP, if he loved you he would not show you so much disrespect and contempt for your feelings. It would not be you "splitting up your family"; that lies entirely on him. He made his bed, now he should go and lie on it whilst you live your best life without him (if you're able to safely physically leave). I wish you all the best. 💕
While I don’t think all infidelity is abuse, this writer’s husband IS abusing her.
The justification for his infidelity, claiming he wasn’t “emotionally cheating” is being thrown out to her because he knows that would mean he would be giving to someone else what he doesn’t give her (Ie emotional support) and therefore making it so much worse. Ugg that’s awful.
I hear so many adults whose parents divorced once they were out of the house and be upset that their mothers (usually it’s the mothers who decide to leave) for not leaving their father sooner and making them grow up with an anxious and unhappy mother & only ever witnessing an awful toxic marriage up close for the entirety of their life. I hear so many women also say they regret not leaving sooner once they are on the other side of divorce. Not to say; that divorce doesn’t sometimes financially ruin some women because it can.
I could have written this - husband seeing sex workers and when he got found out through the cloud to my daughter’s computers and then it was covid so we were stuck in the same house and now it’s 3.5 years later and I’m still trying to leave the marriage but he can’t see why I don’t just move on and get over it.
He is so controlling and is saying I’m the selfish one for wanting to divorce and “put our children into poverty” mind you the older two are nearly 23 and 20 and he is not doing anything to help me separate or sell the house so I can be at least financially stable
I think this is spot on. Deciding what to do in the face of infidelity is a complicated thing because so much can depend on context (was it a one-time thing or an ongoing, longterm betrayal? Is the offending party truly committed to making amends? Etc). It really depends on the specific situation for that relationship. However, lying from the start about something this important to a partner and then refusing to take accountability and telling the partner to get over their hurt are really the issue. (Not to mention, this claim that it's not emotional infidelity smacks of this guy just trying to unilaterally and manipulatively change the terms of the agreement that were there from the outset of the relationship. The LW deserves better respect and regard for her feelings and wishes.)
You are spot on here - “fuck that guy” - and not the happy way.
Ughhh this poor excuse for a human makes me furious. How dare he. I am so sorry OP, you deserve so much better. I very much agree with Zawn about the divorce attorneys, please get some advice on what your options are. My Mother did in the 70’s, and it sparked a confidence in her that she needed to move on (and then she met my Dad, and the rest is history).
Don’t let the abuser hold you down, they’re masters at convincing you that you need them to survive. You deserve a beautiful life, and so do your kiddos. We are all with you!
Great advice.
I disagree about infidelity not being abuse though. I think if you've agreed to a monogamous relationship with someone, then infidelity is not something you've consented to. It's a deception that would change a person's decision on whether to have sex/be kind/live with the cheater. Removing someone's ability to consent (by them not having all relevant information) is abuse.
I do take your point about accusations being weaponised, but I'm still not sure I agree. Food for thought.
She should absolutely ditch this prick - how DARE he. Life is too short to waste with someone who isn't excited to be with you.
OP, if he loved you he would not show you so much disrespect and contempt for your feelings. It would not be you "splitting up your family"; that lies entirely on him. He made his bed, now he should go and lie on it whilst you live your best life without him (if you're able to safely physically leave). I wish you all the best. 💕
While I don’t think all infidelity is abuse, this writer’s husband IS abusing her.
The justification for his infidelity, claiming he wasn’t “emotionally cheating” is being thrown out to her because he knows that would mean he would be giving to someone else what he doesn’t give her (Ie emotional support) and therefore making it so much worse. Ugg that’s awful.
I hear so many adults whose parents divorced once they were out of the house and be upset that their mothers (usually it’s the mothers who decide to leave) for not leaving their father sooner and making them grow up with an anxious and unhappy mother & only ever witnessing an awful toxic marriage up close for the entirety of their life. I hear so many women also say they regret not leaving sooner once they are on the other side of divorce. Not to say; that divorce doesn’t sometimes financially ruin some women because it can.
I could have written this - husband seeing sex workers and when he got found out through the cloud to my daughter’s computers and then it was covid so we were stuck in the same house and now it’s 3.5 years later and I’m still trying to leave the marriage but he can’t see why I don’t just move on and get over it.
He is so controlling and is saying I’m the selfish one for wanting to divorce and “put our children into poverty” mind you the older two are nearly 23 and 20 and he is not doing anything to help me separate or sell the house so I can be at least financially stable
Has he asked for forgiveness?