Feminist Advice Friday: Is it ethical to cut ties with my sick father?
A reader's father is dying, but when he was healthy, he mistreated her entire family.
A reader asks…
My father undermined all efforts by my mother to give us a functional life. Now that I am a young adult, should I still keep in touch with my father? I am still in therapy for a range of issues. My dad is now old & has stage 4 kidney disease. Will it be ethical cut all ties with my dad?
My answer
One of the most beautiful truths about life is that the people we are now are never quite the same as the people we were in the past—or yesterday. It’s also one of the most painful.
The dying, vulnerable father before you today is not the person who abused you in the past. You can never confront the person who abused you, because that person no longer exists. The pain he caused will last a lifetime, but he is no longer around in the same way he was back then.
These truths are paradoxical, contradictory, and are at the heart of most adult children’s struggles with their older (and often dying) parents. I think these realities are also what make real accountability from abusive elderly parents feel so elusive. The actual person who abused you is never going to apologize. It’s always some weaker seeming facsimile, if you get an apology at all.
Before I get into the weeds here, I want to assure you: There is no wrong decision here. You have the right to do whatever feels right to you. It is not unethical to cut ties. It is not unethical to care for him. A midway point is perfectly fine, too.
Let’s dig a little deeper, though:
I think it’s interesting that you asked me about the ethical choice, rather than the healthy choice, or the choice that’s most likely to protect your family. You’re worried about doing the wrong thing. That speaks volumes about your character. This person abused you and your mother, and rather than worrying about how they have affected you, you are worried about whether you are harming him.
Like many exceptionally good people, you are plagued by guilt. I suspect someone has guilted you into believing you have to care for him. Or perhaps his newfound vulnerability makes you feel guilt at the thought of ignoring him.
This guilt is misguided. He’s the one who should feel guilty. But you don’t mention that he has apologized or made amends, so it seems likely that he hasn’t.
Ignoring him as he nears death is the predictable consequence of his own actions. If he wanted to have someone support him in his old age, he should have treated you and your mother better all those years ago.
Feel free to reclaim your own sense of worth and peace by letting him go and cutting ties. If you want, you can tell him why you are doing so, giving him one final opportunity to make amends. But you don’t have to. You don’t owe him anything specific.
Conversely, it’s also fine if you want to help him. Some abuse survivors derive a sense of peace from helping their abuser, from seeing their humanity. But note that this does not make this choice the superior one. It’s just…a choice.
Whatever choice you make here is morally neutral. So think instead about what best protects your peace. The answer may change with time, and that’s perfectly fine.
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In my work as a licensed psychotherapist, my work is limited by something called "scope of practice." This means that if an individual comes to me seeking treatment or counseling for something I'm not an expert on, it's an ethical imperative that I refer them to a licensed practitioner who is an expert. While Zawn is a brilliant writer, an astute observer of relationship dynamics, and a feminist badass, she's not a licensed psychotherapist (as far as I know). Topics such as childhood abuse and trauma are not within her scope of practice (having opinions on these topics, having experienced abuse personally, or having written about it do not make one an expert). We should not be asking her to comment on these topics and she should not be offering advice that could cause a reader to take action that could be psychologically damaging or re-traumatizing. Please talk to a trauma-informed therapist about your relationship with your father. Zawn, go ahead and ban me for life. I get it. But it would be unethical for me not to make this comment.
Can anyone point me to the article where Zawn listed questions to ask a potential partner? I thought she wrote one like that but I’ve been searching and can’t find it!