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I have ADHD and have worked very hard to manage my difficulties with necessary household tasks. Sometimes I need support to get going - usually on admin more than tasks, and people are kind enough to ‘body double’ - do theirs while I do mine. I still view my responsibilities as mine, and although I seek support with the challenges ADHD presents, I hold myself accountable for sourcing that support and getting stuff done, somehow. Everyone is my household is neurodivergent so who would do this stuff if not us? So I agree - it’s not an excuse.

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Men will put to use any language or framework at hand to secure their own interests. It could be social justice language, clinical psychology language, feminist language, sex positive language, patriarchal language, therapy language, religious/spiritual language etc. The message is always the same: you need to stop asking him to do xyz and let him enjoy himself doing whatever he wants because (fill in the blank). You need to give him what he wants because (fill in the blank). There isn’t a single framework that will produce a man thinking he needs to change himself or do something for a woman for her benefit at his expense. Ever. It never happens. Men never claim any form of vulnerability unless they think they can benefit by it by leveraging women’s guilt and care instincts. Women are the exact opposite. We find out these things about ourselves and immediately set out to fix ourselves and become better so our problems don’t bother or inconvenience those closest to us.

This is why I believe it’s counterproductive for women / feminists to get invested in frameworks that place us in a role of caring for / saving others especially if it’s going to take on a moral valence. We keep replicating the same dynamics because the same power operations are in place no matter the framework.

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My husband hasn't actually ever used the language presented here, and actually seems very resistant to treatment for his diagnosed ADHD (he hasn't taken meds since he was a teenager). But I've certainly attributed a lot of the household and parenting inequity to it. That said, someone refusing treatment for a diagnosed problem because they a.) Don't think anything is wrong with them and b.) Don't see (or listen to) how their condition is affecting their loved ones, still leads to the same end result here. 🥴

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I’ve said this forever. A man who is neurodivergent gets a caretaker. Women are warm, understanding, and accommodating to that. A woman, however, who is neurodivergent gets overwhelm, shame, and “coached” on how to manage time better and put in maximum effort. Despite OVERFUNCTIONING and overwhelming perfectionism. Until recently, as a neurodivergent woman diagnosed after graduating top of my class in grad school, I still got told I was “not ADHD “- which I’m not. I am a person who has ADHD (which makes me awesome in so many ways) because I “could focus.” In fact- I was “a perseverator.” While also being told I was “the princess and the pea” when I complained of sensory overload. My brother, diagnosed much earlier than I was, was always “living in an uncomfortable body.”

In the dating world this translated into men literally telling me “what value do you add?” When I said I am not into cooking and cleaning and would prefer to make enough money in our respective careers to delegate those tasks if responsibility couldn’t be reasonably shared.

And by shared- this meant me doing the work of learning to organize with an organizer and cook less taxing and healthy meals via an ADHD aware dietician so that I could do my part. (Something for which I also get shamed for- it’s considered a “luxury “ I should just know how to do on my own). Obviously, I’m a woman. Bachelor men though…messy houses and take out is expected, right? Until he finds a woman?

Now that I can do those things on my own- I want a man even less. If I can learn for myself and to be as good a partner as possible, so can men.

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