Feminist Advice Friday: My husband won't change, but I can't leave.
A reader wonders if happiness is possible while living with a lazy, entitled man
A reader asks…
My husband is pretty typical of the men you talk about. He loves our kids, but is basically disinterested in their daily lives. Does almost no housework. Nothing for me for Mother’s Day. He’s not abusive or mean, but he’s not kind either.
I don’t like him. I don’t love him. I shouldn’t have married him, and he adds so much unhappiness to my life.
But for a lot of complicated reasons, I cannot leave. Not only would my life get very complicated. He also would try to take my kids, and even if he lost, the fight would be devastating to them and to me.
What can I do to make my life better in spite of this? Is there a way to be the sort of liberated mother you talk about while still living with a worthless man?
My answer:
First of all, I’m sorry. I’ve been talking a lot lately about how important the choice of a mate/person with whom we have children is. Because once you’re stuck, you’re really stuck. You don’t deserve this, and I wish you felt like you could leave.
I believe in taking people at their word. You are the expert on your own life. Also, though, patriarchy is a powerful drug that colors our perceptions. So I want to push back, ever so gently, on the idea that leaving is impossible. Please consult with a divorce lawyer so you know your options and have an understanding of what might happen.
The pain of a custody battle is real, and there are some horror stories out there. The truth, though, is that most men do not seek custody, even after threatening it. And just 1.5% of men fully litigate their cases. Please consider the possibility that your fear is lying to you, and get a reality check from a custody lawyer you trust. Then consider building a plan to leave. Whatever you’re most worried about, find ways to mitigate the risk. You might not be able to leave now, but perhaps when your kids are adults or you have completed more education or otherwise removed the barriers you face to a happier life, you can get out.
One of the terrible consequences of marriage culture is that women learn from an early age to value their spouses above all else. Close relationships with others may die, or feel less valuable than a marriage. They’re not. Your path to a better life begins with building a deep, rich support network at all costs. Do whatever it takes to nurture meaningful community. Your community can help you with childcare, give you a break from your shitty-ass husband, remind you of who you are outside of being a wife, and so much more. Some avenues to try for making meaningful connections include:
Online communities local to you. Try meeting up with some moms you connect with, or organizing an outing.
Apps. I’ve heard from a number moms that the Peanut app is especially helpful for finding new mom friends.
Hobbies. Your hobbies are a great outlet and escape. They’re also an incredible way to make new friends. Join a garden club, a book discussion group, or a gym. Whatever you’re into, find a way to make it more social.
Your neighbors. It’s a lot easier to nurture friendships when people are nearby. Try getting to know your neighbors. Start a neighborhood Facebook group or organize an event.
Your kids’ peers’ parents. If your kids are old enough to be in school, then they have a ready-made community of peers, and so do you. Get to know other parents at your kids’ school. Connect with them. Show them your real self, and watch a meaningful community form.
So what else can you do to feel freer and happier? Lots. Some of these suggestions may not be feasible or appealing to you, so focus on those that feel possible and build upon your successes. In no particular order:
Decide what you’re not ever willing to give up. What basic needs do you need to meet every day to feel ok? Is it a shower and 30 minutes to read? Your morning coffee? Whatever you need to feel normal, make it mandatory. Don’t ever give it up. Find some way to make it happen every day.
Get some great childcare. You need a break, and if you have to pay for it, so be it. Invest some time into interviewing the provider so that you can feel truly comfortable with them. Then consider doing a few days with you at home as your kids get used to them. If your husband doesn’t want you to hire a childcare provider for some reason, fine. Fuck him. Do it anyway when he’s not there.
Develop a daily schedule. When you have a family routine, kids become more cooperative and less needy. This means more time for you and less stress. It also helps you identify areas of need. Do you need 2 hours in the afternoon to catch up on work tasks? Help with transportation to school? Follow the clues your family routine offers.
Give your kids independent time. The data show that moms today spend more time with their kids than they did in generations past, even though they work more. All kids need independent time. This time helps them become more creative and thoughtful, while giving you a break. Start integrating this time into your daily schedule, and steadily increase the amount of solo time your kids get each day.
Emotionally separate from your husband. Tell yourself he’s just some dude you live with, and his opinions and attitudes do not matter. If you can frame his an inconvenient lump of worthlessness rather than a sign of some cosmic failure, living with him may become easier.
Stop covering for your husband. A lot of women in unhappy marriages expend a lot of effort putting on a good show—praising their husband publicly, or showing up for him when they don’t absolutely have to, or buying Christmas presents for him to give to his family. Let him bear the shame of his own behavior. Don’t cover for him.
Don’t do extra work for your husband. No laundry or ironing shirts or sending thank-you cards to his business connections. He is not your child.
Get therapy. Not to make your marriage better, but to strengthen your mind and identify additional coping skills.
Keep a log of any mistreatment, and of the general division of labor. Should he ever seek custody, you’ll need it.
Start talking to your kids about what a good marriage looks like. You need to break the cycle for the next generation.
Do something every day that makes you happy. Your children need and deserve a happy mom. You deserve to feel good about yourself. No matter what chores you have to sacrifice to carve out some daily pleasure for yourself, do it.
One of the lies of patriarchy is that we get the relationships we deserve. That’s not true. We get what patriarchy decides to give us, and it’s given you a raw deal. I’m sorry. I truly believe you can make things somewhat better, and that you may one day be able to get fully free.
Readers, what advice do you have?
this is so awful to read I am so sorry to this reader and sending them love and love and love and would just add a) the fact that they were able to write this at all is a huge gigantic step and they should know that (often we don't realize how big of a deal stuff like this is) and b) there's a lot of communities online like Zawn's newsletter especially of women who have gone through this and can provide support and guidance - I feel like Reddit would have some good ones like here's a subreddit called Breaking Mom which the description is "Moms only. Just say what's going on. No judgments, no nastiness."
Here was a post I found on that sub: https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/soau3v/husband_threatening_to_leave/
(also Zawn I hope its ok that as a dude / dad I'm posting here! If you'd prefer this to be commenting for women / femmes i totally understand and will delete)
Thank you. I needed this