Feminist Advice Friday: My husband makes fun of me for not being cool enough (paid subscriber bonus)
A reader's husband has decided to try to impress teenagers by making fun of her.
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A reader asks…
We have two teenagers, aged 15 and 19. They are very busy with their own lives now so it’s not often that the four of us get together to do something as a family.
But when we do, my husband has this nasty habit of being very dismissive and derisive of me, in front of the kids. Any little comment I make - for example, just joining in to the general conversation around the table - he will be dismissive about, or he will declare that my opinions are stupid, wrong, boring, etc., and then swiftly move the conversation on to what HE wants to talk about. Or he outright makes fun of me.
He behaves this way when our daughter’s friends come to visit us, as well.
This is very much about him wanting to appear “cool” in front of the teenagers. So in order to signal to them that he is the “cool” one, he has to contrast himself against the “uncool” one, me. He spends a lot of energy pointing out to them exactly how “ uncool” I am.
Btw the kids don’t buy it. For the most part they just ignore his stupid jibes.
Yep he’s insecure as hell. I try to ignore it as well, but it’s boring, tiring, and leaves a bad taste in my mouth after what should have been a happy family outing.
I’ve tried talking to him about this after the event, but he will just deny it ever happened, and miraculously will not be able to remember any of the jibes or insults that he uttered. And this of course gets twisted into some gaslighting strategy of telling me I’m too sensitive, or I’m making things up, etc.
I need a strategy whereby I can point out to him, in the moment (as it’s happening) that his remarks are disrespectful, dismissive and belittling. But it needs to be done in a way that won’t cause things to blow up into a gigantic fight in front of the kids.
Any ideas?