Feminist Advice Friday: My parents refuse to give me emotional support. Should I cut them off?
A reader contemplates estrangement from her parents
A reader asks…
I've been struggling for years with the lack of emotional support I get from my parents.
My childrens' father was a useless parent (and partner) but my parents always praised him for the very little that he did (all under instruction from me, I might add) such as changing nappies and a bit of cooking/shopping. Now that we are separated, my ex does barely any parenting at all.
There have been times when I have felt so overwhelmed and close to breaking, culminating in my daughter facing exclusion from school and eventually getting an ASD diagnosis. And whilst my parents (i.e. my mother mostly) will give me some practical support, they refuse to support me psychologically/emotionally, and in fact, make things much worse by berating and criticising me to the point of tears.
It's like I'm just supposed to cope with everything and keep smiling. And never complain that I've been left to do everything on my own, whilst holding down a paid job too. If I do complain, they say things like 'you'd be a lot happier if you stopped hating men' and 'you'll never find one as good as him - there aren't many men willing to do as much as he did!' Recently things have become very tense and I've been told that I'm seriously hurting my Dad's feelings because my ex 'does more than your Dad ever did' and that my Dad should not feel guilty about his lack of input when we were kids because 'men are raised by women, therefore their behaviour is the mother's fault'. The latest is 'but for men, work is work and home is where you relax!'.
The toll of my parents' lack of care regarding my well-being (and therefore, my ability to parent) has damaged our relationship to the point where I am cold and closed-off towards them. But they act like they've done nothing wrong and I'm oversensitive and 'too feminist'. I want to cut them off as they just make me feel so let down and angry, and for the sake of my children, I need to prioritise my own emotional health. Why do they refuse to support me? What should I do? I no longer want them in my life, but they are my childrens' grandparents.
My answer:
I’m so sorry you’re not getting the support you need and deserve from your parents. It’s a unique and painful trauma to have the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally constantly picking at and demeaning you. I think it is helpful to begin by acknowledging that this really is traumatic. It can cause lasting damage to have parents who don’t love you in the way you need, especially if they’re actively trying to make you feel bad about yourself.
The way other people treat us is about them, not us. Your parents’ shortcomings do not mean anything about you. On some level, you know this; you understand they have embraced misogynistic ideals. But I think you also hope that they’ll love you enough to listen to you, and eventually reject those ideals.
That is not going to happen. Patriarchy is woven into the very fabric of our being, and deeply embeds itself in our consciousness. Rejecting patriarchy means rejecting much of who one is and how one thinks. Many parents would rather reject their own children than reject patriarchy. Indeed, the prizing of dated ideals over living, breathing human beings and their needs is a hallmark of patriarchy.
You know what you need to do here. It’s contained in the last paragraph of your question.
You no longer want your parents in your life. And really, that’s all that matters here. No one is entitled to a relationship. Moreover, you’ve done a lot to try to sway your parents. You’ve been open with them. You’ve shared your emotions. Still they refuse to change. That tells you that change is not coming.
So if it really is true that you don’t want a relationship with them, then it’s time to back out of your relationship. You might want to try having one more discussion with them and being very clear and specific about what you need, as well as what you intend to do if they cannot meet your needs. It’s likely, though, that they will become defensive. That’s also about them and not you.
Some of what is happening here is generational. The Baby Boomers just didn’t have the same opportunities to learn emotional intelligence that younger generations did. As a result, a significant chunk of that generation overvalues their own emotions and ignores everyone else’s. People can and do learn to do better; some of the most emotionally intelligent people I know are Baby Boomers. But people tend to become set in their ways. I think this is what’s happening with your parents.
Culturally, Boomers also believe that adults are entitled to certain things from children, and this extends into adulthood. They don’t think they have to earn respect from their kids, and they believe their kids owe them relationships no matter how they behave. So don’t be surprised if your parents label it abusive for you to cut ties. This site is a great guide to some of the bizarre behavior of parents estranged from their adult children.
I also want to leave open the possibility that you’re not ready to cut ties with your parents, or that this is not what you really want. I hear a lot of love for your parents in your words. I hear someone who is desperate to be understood. So if estrangement is not the answer, here are some things I hope you will consider:
If your parents are not meeting your needs, it can be helpful to stop trying to get those needs met. Each failure will feel like a rejection. Stop giving them the opportunity to fail. You don’t have to share your emotional vulnerability with them. In fact, this may be the only way to save the relationship—by asking for less, and by getting your needs met elsewhere.
Yes, it’s true that your parents should be able to emotionally support you. But the fact is, they can’t. They lack the skills. And they are unlikely to get them. So if you frame this as a specific disability they have and work around it, you may be able to still find some value in your relationship with them. But that’s if, and only if, you still want them in your life.
If you choose to delay or avoid estrangement, here are some tips and strategies to consider:
You can do a light/low-contact estrangement rather than completely cutting them off. Take fewer calls. Spend less time with them. A slow fade is often less painful. Less frequent visits may make your time together feel more bearable. It may also mean you see fewer of your parents’ negative behaviors.
Remember that boundaries are for you, not for them. Don’t expect them to respect your boundaries. It’s up to you to enforce them. “Mom, I’m not going to continue this conversation.” “Dad, if you keep doing this, our outing is going to have to end.”
Consider pointing out disparities to your parents. I notice that your parents expect you to care about their emotions (as evidenced by your mother demanding that you not make your dad feel bad). You might say something like, “Mom, it’s unfair for you to expect me to worry about dad’s feelings when he’s not expected to worry about mine.” It won’t change anything, but it might make you feel a little better. The older generations tend to not view their own emotions as emotions (especially when it’s a man having emotions).
Model the behavior you want to see to your kids, but also proactively teach them. It’s important for kids to hear that some of the things the adults in their lives do are maladaptive. For example, I often tell my daughter, “Some adults will try to hug you even when you don’t want it. You can always say no or ask for help. But we can’t always get people to stop doing obnoxious things.” Make sure your kids know they can come to you with any bad grandparent behavior.
Limit your parents’ ability to harm your kids. They’re going to inflict this behavior on your kids, too, especially as they get older. Don’t assume that love will prevent this. Talk to your kids often about time with their grandparents, and encourage them to come to you with concerns.
Take time away from your parents. They shouldn’t be spending all of their time at your house. You need time every week away from them. Cultivate physical and mental space to which they do not have access.
Build your own social network. Your parents can’t or won’t support you, but you still need support. Use some of that time your parents are spending with your kids to make new friends.
I’m sorry your parents can’t do better. You deserve better. Make sure you give your kids the better you should have gotten. Make sure this stops with your generation.
I publish #feministadvicefriday every Thursday here and every Friday on Facebook. You can submit your own question to zawn.villines@gmail.com, by messaging my Facebook page, or anonymously by using my site’s contact form.
I have gone through a similar journey with my parents. My answer was the second suggestion from Zawn. It’s been going on about a decade and most of the times it works. I have very strict boundaries with my family. I was brought up in a conservative, evangelical cult and my family has remained mostly in that cult. My children are being brought up with different values and I pretty much cut them off from seeing them on a regular basis. They don’t really know that because they never offered any help when my kids were younger so it’s not a discussion. My children are not close to my parents and it makes me sad that they don’t have any grandparents but it was safer for me and for them to take this route. I tolerate them and I help when I can. My mother has Alzheimer’s and she is easier to deal with now. But there are weeks I don’t talk to them or when I call I always have an out. I plan trips over holidays so I don’t have to deal with spending every one with them and I have cultivated people who do care about my sons. It’s not like family, I will admit, but it’s something. I wish you all the luck in this. Neither one of us deserved to be treated like this.