Feminist Advice Friday: My partner plays video games while I cook. How do I tell him he's a sexist?
A reader thinks her husband might not be as bad as the men I write about. But, of course, he is.
A reader asks…
I always have such mixed reactions when I read your writing when I apply it to my relationship. There are times when I am sure my partner is behaving the way he does because he is indeed sexist, and others when he or I or my peers can argue that it's different reasons, like his anxiety, his upbringing, his poor ability to self-reflect, etc.
But I am at a point where I want to sit him down and tell him that whether or not he is aware of it, his behavior is that of a sexist man. He does make strides from when we moved in together 3 years ago, things are much improved, but he will still play video games while I make dinner and I clean as I go hoping that if the dishes aren't “overwhelming” then he will actually do them before work in the morning.
I don't insist any longer that he learn to cook because he gets in such ridiculous bad moods when he attempts anything other than scrambled eggs, it isn't worth the disruption anymore. We half joke that maybe something traumatic happened to him in a kitchen that he must have blocked out by the way he is overcome with stress and anxiety when he is tasked with something as simple as chopping an onion. But he's not outwardly aggressive, verbally abusive, or most of the behavior that you so often call out and warn women about. I'm rambling, I'm sorry. And this feels like 2 separate questions.
If my partner is overall a kind man who would be appalled at the idea that he is perceived as sexist, how do I tell him that he is? Or should I?
And how can I tell that my partner is behaving consciously and manipulatively, or if his sexism is so subconscious he has no awareness and claims feelings of anxiety and overwhelm when he is tasked with “female” duties?
My Answer
Phew. There’s a lot going on here. What about your feelings of anxiety and overwhelm?
What about your needs?
You’re thinking about his needs, and so is he. Someone has to remind you that you exist here, too.
I think it’s helpful for you to consider the fact that you are viewing everything from the perspective of your partner. You are focusing on why he does the things he does, filling in excuses as you go. Trauma. Anxiety. Etc. You give him credit for “improvements,” but even after these improvements, he is still playing video games while you cook and clean! You don’t talk at all about the effect his behavior has on you.
And it does have an effect. Because otherwise why would you want to tell him he’s a sexist? You are centering him in this story, treating yourself as his learning experience. He doesn’t even have to objectify you or make excuses; you do it for him.
And you do not deserve that. I am sorry society has taught you otherwise. I am sorry you live in a world where society values women and their time so little that you cannot see what is plainly in front of you.
You have not identified any kind or positive behaviors your partner exhibits. You don’t tell me, for example, that even though he is “afraid” of the kitchen, he cleans the rest of the house. This tells me that he is very much exactly the type of man I write about.
The type of men I write about don’t become aggressive or abusive until their partners demand change. You haven’t even sat him down and told him his behavior is sexist! You’ve made no demands of this man. So of course he’s “kind.” If, of course, you define kindness as buying his free time with your labor, making you afraid to ask for your needs, and not hitting you. And I don’t.
He’s trained you very well. You behave as if it is funny that he won’t cook. He has learned that if he throws enough of a tantrum, you won’t make him do things.
You and your husband don’t have to do the same chores. Equity doesn’t have to mean equality. It means balance, which you most assuredly don’t have.
I don’t cook. There’s nothing inherently wrong with not cooking. But in return for not cooking, I clean, or do homework with the kids, or breastfeed the baby, or fold laundry while my husband prepares our meals.
Your spouse has decided that the compromise is that he’s not going to cook, and he’s not going to do anything else to balance the scales either.
“It isn’t worth the disruption,” you say, because he has convinced you that it’s more important for him to not be inconvenienced than for you to have the same opportunities for free time and leisure and self-actualization he does.
What an absolute piece of shit.
Let’s address the potential excuses you offer for him:
“It’s his upbringing.” Doesn’t matter. What matters is that he’s exploiting you. You’re making him and his needs the center of this story. People rise above their upbringing all the time. Would you feel justified in mistreating him because of something about your upbringing? Of course not.
“It’s his anxiety.” Anxiety does not render someone unable to do household labor. Is he seeking treatment for his anxiety? Or has he just decided that because he has the inconvenience of living with anxiety, you should have to sacrifice your time in service of his leisure?
“It’s his poor ability to self-reflect.” How convenient that he has decided he does not have to self-reflect or change. This makes him like 100% of abusive exploitative men. When you don’t think other people’s needs are as important as yours, you don’t bother with self-reflection.
I know you’re going to feel defensive reading those words. But I want you to really reflect on how many excuses you are making for him here. The fact that you do that—and that he hasn’t even really provided any excuses for himself, aside from throwing infantile tantrums—tells me that you have learned to value your needs less than his.
And you’re both acting as if this arrangement is fine.
This is abuse, even if there’s not screaming and yelling.
Moreover, the fact that you are scared to talk to him about his sexism—something many women do on the first or second date, and continue to do throughout their relationships—worries me that you know there will be screaming, yelling, and worse if you step out of line.
It also doesn’t matter if he’s doing this because of anxiety or whatever other excuse you have manufactured for him. Is he able to work a job? Does he do what he is told at work? If so, the problem is not anxiety. It’s that he’s trained you well to be his servant.
You can tell that he is manipulating you because he plays video games while you work. Does he have severe visual, hearing, and cognitive impairments that prevent him from observing the fact that he is buying his free time at your expense? I suspect that if he did, you would have led with these.
You need to confront him, but it won’t go well because he’s got a great deal. He’s got a partner who makes excuses for him, so he doesn’t even have to bother with doing it himself. And he gets extra free time without so much as a word of complaint from you. One way you can test whether he’s being manipulative or just willfully obtuse is to sit him down, tell him things need to change, and see what happens.
If he gets angry, he’s being manipulative.
If he promises change but it doesn’t materialize, he’s being manipulative.
If he claims that life is oh-so-hard for him and therefore you should have to do extra labor, he’s being manipulative.
If he apologizes and immediately changes, then great. He wasn’t being manipulative.
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My soon-to-be-ex did this. For decades. He bought his free time to bike for 4 hours at least 2, often 3, days per week. Then he would run for the remaining days of the week. That was it, his work and then biking and running. He bought his leisure time by yelling and going into a rage when I asked him to help with house and parenting things. I just wanted to collaborate on duties and needs and he became enraged that I even asked. So I just powered up and solo ran the house, parented and grew the successful business he wanted eventually join. I wish Zawn had been writing 25 years ago. But I'm thankful to have my eyes opened now so I can file for divorce. Keep educating and reminding us Zawn!
Exactly, Zawn! One quick word to the original author- playing video games while you work isn't what makes him manipulative or sexist. My husband does this, too! And, while I decide I'm going to go galavant around Peru for 10 days on my own, he does all household duties. When I want to kick back with a glass of wine and a book, he does what needs to be done and then some. And even when I'm not "clocked out" he does things like his own laundry, all the dishes, lawn work, house sitter organization, etc.
My husband also cannot correctly chop an onion (lol- actual fine motor issues- you should see him with scissors,) but if food needs to be made, he makes sure it gets done, whether that's by buying a take and bake meal at the grocery or putting his shitty, mangled onion into the crock pot.
So just remember that it's not *just* him playing video games while you work that's the issue.
ALSO worth noting- as Zawn said, "If he apologizes an immediately changes- then great." Most men will not do this, BUT worth noting- early on in our relationship, I felt like my husband spent too much time playing video games. It didn't interfere with him pulling his weight (and then some) around the house. It didn't interfere with his relationships. But I was concerned that he wasn't physically active, that he had no true hobbies outside of spending time with me, his family, and video games, etc. I expressed that to him and told him it was, in fact not only unattractive, but a deal breaker for me.
He literally unplugged his Xbox for the next few weeks, signed up for tennis lessons (still plays,) and joined a gym.
Today, he still plays video games but has healthy hobbies in addition, and as mentioned, it doesn't make things inequitable in our relationship.
So I hope you have a similar outcome when you express this.
Good luck, friend!