Feminist Advice Friday: No one likes me, and I don't know how to improve my social skills.

A reader reports that making friends has always been a problem.

A reader asks…

People don’t like me. I try so hard to fit in, and I think I’m a nice person. But if there’s a group, I’ll be the odd one out, awkwardly trying to push my way in. If I’m talking to an individual, they’ll seem annoyed.

I admit that I’m socially awkward and shy. But shy, awkward people can have friends, right? I don’t. I have a few leftover friends from school, but I just…can’t get people to like me.

This feels really awful. I don’t know what to do, or how to identify what is wrong. Can you help me feel less like a permanent pariah?

My response:

Ugh. This letter is like a punch in the gut. Because it’s so hard to read someone feeling so sad and worthless, yes, but also because I know these feelings well. I was for all of my childhood the kid who had great difficulty making friends. For many years of school, I was the kid no one liked. I was weird and anxious and socially unaware. I was also nice, and so it was really hurtful to aggressively try to be nice to other kids—making them weird presents with the weird things I liked, for example—only to have them reject me because I was so socially awkward.

Friend, it sucks. So I want you to know that this advice comes from a place of knowing where you are now, and wanting to help you get out.

I understand how awful it feels. How you alternate between feeling ashamed and worthless, and feeling angry and self-righteous. Because, of course, everyone needs friends. Being rejected hurts, especially when you feel like you’re being rejected while being your authentic self (or even just your most likable self).

As an adult now, I still sometimes struggle in social situations because my experiences of rejection in childhood sting so sharply. If I catch even a whiff of rejection in a group, it’s very difficult for me to not shut down. My daughter just started kindergarten, and I desperately want her to have friends. So it’s been important to me that I form decent relationships with the other parents, and I’ve many times felt a sense of panic when that wasn’t going well. Feeling unliked is traumatic.

And trauma colors our behavior and our perceptions.

This insight is critical for understanding how to manage these challenges.

Your trauma is real. But the way it makes you perceive things is warped.

So the first step for managing these emotions is to reframe things from “No one likes me” to “This specific person in this specific context seems not to like me.”

That’s because people will have different reasons for not liking you. And also because not everyone who appears to dislike you actually does.

When you’re accustomed to feeling rejected, it’s easy to feel like it’s everyone else vs. you. This causes you to treat people as stereotypes, not as individuals. And that makes it harder for them to like you and harder for you to see them as complex human beings worth getting to know.

When you have an interaction where you feel like someone didn’t like you, reframe things to begin looking only at that interaction. Then ask yourself a few questions:

• What makes me think this person doesn’t like me? Is there another potential explanation for their behavior? Often, people who feel chronically unliked become profoundly sensitive to perceived (and nonexistent) rejection. This causes them to behave in harmful ways.

• What do I think this person felt in our interaction? What were they seeking? When you’re struggling with social skills, it’s critical to turn your attention to the other person—what they need, what they want—rather than how awful you feel.

• Is there a way I could have made this person feel more positively about our interaction?

• Was there something about this interaction that set me up for failure? Sometimes it’s the context itself that’s the problem. For example, if you’re the only new mom in a mom group, or the only person who doesn’t participate in a shared hobby, it’s going to be harder to fit in. Don’t make these kinds of interactions your primary social interactions.

Every interaction is different. It’s not that “everyone” dislikes you. It’s that this interaction, with this specific person, didn’t go how you hoped.

Now comes the hard part. When you feel like no one likes you, it’s easy to become defensive. After all, everyone deserves love and care. The fact that you feel like you’re not getting it anywhere can be brutal for your self-esteem. Insecure people are quick to take offense, and that makes it hard for them to look inward and change their behavior.

This is the cycle of feeling unliked: No one likes you (or so you think), so you become progressively more defensive. This inhibits your ability to look objectively at your own behavior, further undermining your ability to change, and with it your ability to make friends.

Take a deep breath. Everyone has negative qualities. Everyone. Your job is to look at your own. This isn’t about abandoning your true self, or catering to other people’s ideas of who you should be. This is about identifying potentially alienating characteristics, so that you can be a kinder, better, warmer friend.

Begin by thinking about whether you have consistently gotten the same feedback from people, even if it’s hard to hear. A lot of shy people, for example, present as withdrawn or snobbish. If you hear the same thing over and over, it’s probably something to work on.

But what if you’re not getting feedback? I want you to spend some time thinking about behaviors that commonly annoy and alienate people. Remember, rejection is trauma, and trauma can lead to harmful behaviors that then lead to more rejection. Here are a few:

• Know-it-allism: No one wants to be condescended to. But often, when people feel rejected, they put their knowledge on display to compensate for negative feelings. Here’s an antidote: Treat everyone as if they are an expert on something. And in each interaction, aim to learn something from the other person. You can even tell people this is what you’re doing.

• Excessive talking: If you talk way more than others in conversation, this can be alienating and annoying. Consider this: When you have a conversation with someone, do they learn more about you than you do about them? The antidote is to come up with a list of a few questions to ask people when you meet them. People love talking about themselves, and if you listen, you’ll gain their trust.

• Intrusiveness: Sometimes, if you’re the odd person out, it’s because you’re entering an established group. This can happen if you move to a new school or workplace. It takes time to get acclimated. So start by being friendly but giving space. People don’t want to feel like you’re intruding on existing friendships. Give them time instead to bond with and get to know you.

• Unkindness: No one likes it when people are mean. But everyone’s definition of meanness varies a little. And when you feel chronically rejected, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of mean-spirited jokes and sarcasm. Consider whether your jokes might be perceived as mean or passive aggressive. Aim in every interaction to make each person feel heard and cared for.

Another possibility is that you’re choosing the wrong friends. Is it possible that you tend to gravitate toward certain people, when a different group might be a better fit? The classic example of this is trying to befriend the “popular” kids in high school when you’re a better fit with the band nerds. Ask yourself why you are attracted to particular people—what you share in common, what friendship with you offers—and then consider adjusting your strategy.

Finally, therapy.

I suspect there are multiple issues going on here. Some are out of your control. But a therapist can help you with the issues within your control, offering useful insight in a supportive setting.

Find a therapist. Interview them. Keep looking till you find someone who’s willing to push on you, but with compassion and unconditional positive regard.

You can do it. You are worthy.