Feminist Advice Friday: What are your tips for dating in a misogynist world?
Dating after 50 in a culture rife with misogyny
A reader asks…
My marriage ended 7 years ago. I began to cheerfully become empowered and learned to gently hold my own. Naturally, my then husband wasn’t having that, lol. I’m now engaged in a fulfilling career that allows me to help workers develop the unity to flip the tables on bad employers. I’m so happy, but I’d love to start a new relationship. The problem is that (besides some fresh new pounds, thanks covid shutdown) I think I still look pretty great for mid-50’s. I go on dates that I think are nice, and then… it’s a no go. My woman friends think I’m amazing, lovely, smart. I often find that younger women look to me as a role model. I have wonderful loving friends and family. I am concerned that our culture is so sexist that someone like me is actually less attractive to men. I’ve been told a couple times I am intimidating, which is crazy, I’m so gentle and generous. But I also have about the same amount of healthy self confidence a successful, professional man might have. I’m thinking maybe their spidey sense tells them I’m not engaging in the power differentials they are used to. Is my assessment right, or do I just need to start hitting the gym?
An aside: I am skeptical of our workout culture. I figure every minute in the mirror, on the scale, hand wringing about pounds, detract from our agency, and keep us where we are. It seems to be an escalation of diet culture. I’m also noticing in movies, TV and ads more than ever, not only (the usual since the ‘70’s) thinness that looks unhealthy, but also, recently, the case of the missing breasts. Apparently we are not supposed to have boobs anymore. Are you noticing this too?
I’d love to hear what your thoughts are on the aftermath of freeing oneself from oppression. What’s a nice gal like me doing in a patriarchy like this?
My answer…
Weight loss culture is harmful, and there’s no shame in a few extra pounds—or a lot more than that. People of all weights and sizes matter and have value, and a person’s BMI reveals absolutely nothing about their habits, their health, or their worth.
You can love your body at any size, and so can someone else. But also, you are not required to love your body—or even like your body. You are more than a body, and your appearance is the least interesting thing about you. I really love the podcast Maintenance Phase for dispelling myths about weight loss and body image and our society-wide obsession with faux health. One of the hosts writes Your Fat Friend, which is a truly incredible blog.
But I get the sense that weight isn’t really what you’re worried about here. You know it’s bullshit, even if you sometimes worry that the bullshit may constrain your dating options. I think what you really need is advice for dating well.
Women—feminists included, yourself included—are raised on a steady diet of inadequacy. We’re taught to pursue men, to cater to men, and to accept less than what we deserve from men. This is why so many of us get into trouble dating. There’s a small red flag, but he seems so nice and we like the attention, so we overlook it. Then he’s suddenly got all the power, and the woman is doing everything she can to keep him, as he does less and less for her.
I’ve written in more detail here about choosing a good partner if you’re contemplating marriage. But dating doesn’t mean marriage. In general, I think you need to do a couple of things to date successfully:
Identify what it is you offer in a relationship, then find ways to put that on display.
Identify what you want in an ideal partner. Make a list of absolute deal-breakers and like-to-haves. This can help you avoid getting swept up in someone’s superficial charm.
Pursue a partner who is likely to appreciate who you are. And then be who you are. A gym-obsessed fatphobic misogynist is not going to be a good fit for someone who is skeptical of our health culture. Don’t even bother with them.
Dating is a process of screening, not that much different from a job interview. I’ve spent 13 years of my life with a feminist man in a spectacularly happy relationship. I did a lot of screening, so I like to think I’m fairly good at it. I also think your dating strategy needs to fall into two categories: how you present yourself, and how you screen potential partners. Let’s look at both
How You Present Yourself
No matter who you are or what you’re into, someone is going to love it. Remind yourself of this as much as possible. If you feel yourself attempting to make yourself smaller or conceal aspects of yourself, this is a huge red flag.
Some general principles to follow include:
Don’t be afraid to take a hard look at yourself—your annoying behaviors and shortcomings included. What about you might be most alienating on a date? I’m not talking weight and feminism here. I’m talking about things you can and should change. Some of the most common behaviors I hear about include: talking too much about yourself; being excessively negative, especially about past relationships; not showing kindness and interest; unhealthy communication styles such as passive-aggression; being unkind to bystanders like wait staff; not communicating your needs clearly.
What negative habits have you had in prior relationships? What have you done to fix those? Dating is as much about what you bring to the table as what he does. To be with a great partner, you have to become one.
Plan a bit about your conversation in advance. Make a list of 2-3 things you want the other person to know about you. This helps screen them, and it can also make you more interesting. Consider also which conversation topics might be most interesting.
Be yourself. This is cliched and trite because it’s true. This doesn’t mean to bring all of your emotional baggage into your first meeting. Instead, it means that you should not conceal your true self, your core values, and yes, the things you are worried men might find alienating.
Put your feminism front and center. A man worthy of you will find it appealing.
Consider whether you have any unreasonable expectations you have not interrogated. Think especially hard about unstated expectations, such that the man will always pay the bill or that he should call you first. We all grow up with societal baggage. And it’s possible you have a hidden list of dealbreakers that shouldn’t actually influence your decision-making process.
How you screen him
Dating should never be a one-way street. It should never be solely about getting him to like you. Instead, you’re critically assessing whether this person is someone you want to spend more time with. Doing this early can save you a ton of heartache:
Know that shitty men tell on themselves. Pay attention to the clues. Does he describe himself as a moderate or say things are “just too political?” He’s a racist, and probably a misogynist. Were all of his exes crazy? Eventually you’ll be crazy, too. Check his social media. Listen to what he tells you. Believe him when he shows you who he is.
Ask him whatever you want to know. Good men won’t balk at this.
Ask him what he’s looking for in a relationship, and assess whether it matches what you want.
Look for common misogynist behaviors: talking over you, questioning the validity of things you say, etc.
Assess whether this is someone you actually like, or just someone you want to like you.
Take it slowly, especially if you’re looking for a serious relationship. People show who they are over time. And remember, people are their best selves early on, so if even his best self is difficult, things aren’t going to get better. You don’t need a fixer-upper. You need a partner.
You’re dating in a misogynist world. So yes, there are going to be men who are alienated by your intellect, your feminism, your directness. That’s a good thing. You don’t want to be with those men. They suck. They’re weak and inadequate, and not at all what anyone deserves. A smaller dating pool is fine, especially when it’s a higher quality dating pool. Good luck!
I love this article so much!