Feminist Advice Friday: What do I tell my kids about the reason for my divorce?
A mediator tells a reader that their separation story must be neutral. But what is neutrality in an abusive relationship?
Welcome to another #feministadvicefriday! As always please share your thoughts in the comments, since we are wiser together. You can ask your own question by DMing my Instagram or Facebook page, or by emailing zawn.villines@gmail.com. Questions are always anonymous. As a reminder, my paid Substack subscribers get bonus Feminist Advice Friday columns every week.
A reader asks…
I've been told in mediation that part of coparenting moving forward is that we need to come up with a "separation story" to tell our children as they grow older- one that is neutral, age appropriate and avoids bias. How can I do this honestly and in a way that maintains my dignity when the truth is it took me the whole of their short (18 month old) lives and all of my strength and courage to leave their Dad because he was neglectful as a partner and parent, and emotionally, financially, verbally, and physically abusive towards me?
My answer
The notion of a neutral story being one that paints both parents in a positive light is a problem here. There’s no such thing as real neutrality in any area of life. Every story is tainted by someone’s perspective, and recognizing this is a key to getting closer to neutral.
Your mediator’s bias is in favor of your husband’s abuse being irrelevant, and the pain your family has experienced as a result being swept under the rug. This isn’t neutrality. This is a bias in favor of protecting abusers, and it’s disgusting.
Mediators are not child well-being experts, and their advice is a combination of their own ill-informed biases, cultural norms regarding divorce, and any standards your state court system imposes on them. They’re not the people you should be leaning on for parenting advice, and they really shouldn’t be telling you how to parent.
Moreover, a “neutral” story that paints both parents in a positive light may be a form of gaslighting if your child has witnessed the abuse. And if your husband abuses your child, or other people in front of your child, this story may ignore your child’s experiences, and discourages them from coming forward with any abuse they may experience.
Frustratingly, though, the story you tell your child may affect your custody case, or otherwise influence your legal standing as you move through the process. Your child is very young, so you can delay the story until you’re on more secure footing. In the meantime, I urge you to speak to your lawyer to get clear and specific answers to the following questions:
Is my ex in a good position to seek additional custody down the road?
Are there any behaviors that may make my ex better able to seek custody? Can he weaponize the things I say to my child against me?
What are my legal options for protecting my child at my house?
Am I legally bound by anything the mediator says, or do I have to follow any specific rules regarding how I talk to my child?
In your experience, what are some successful, healthy ways abuse survivors have spoken to their children about abuse? Note that your lawyer is not a parent expert, and their experiences here may not reflect best practices, but are still a good starting point for decisionmaking.
Once you have this legal advice, it’s time to talk to a therapist who understands your child and their specific challenges and strengths—as well as your circumstances. For example, if your child has severe anxiety, telling them about prior abuse that is no longer ongoing may intensify the anxiety. Conversely, if the abuse continues, ignoring it can trigger anxiety even in a child who tends not to be fearful.
There is no right formula that is going to work for every child. Instead, I recommend using some broad principles to guide your approach:
Any information you give your child needs to be in the service of helping them understand their own story—not influencing their opinion of you or your life.
Keep explanations short and simple for very young children.
Know that parents owe their children safety, support, and age appropriate information—not honesty. You are allowed to lie to your child, so long as doing so is not an act of gaslighting, denying the child’s reality, or otherwise undermining your child’s well-being.
The information you supply should take into account the child’s current situation. For example, the story you tell about a dad who is no longer present will be different from the story you tell about a present but abusive dad, and the story you tell about a present and non-abusive dad.
Your feelings matter. But your child is not the appropriate outlet for them. You don’t need to protect your ex’s image in your child’s mind, but you also can’t lean on your child for support or validation.
Whatever you say must not run counter to reality. Don’t assert that daddy loves your child very much if he has a history of hitting your child. Don’t say daddy is coming back if he’s not.
Be willing to sit with discomfort. It’s convenient to lie, to say everything will be ok, etc., but this is not always true. Sitting with discomfort now fosters trust over the long-term.
Some examples of the many scripts you might use—that may or may not apply, depending on your situation:
“Your dad was not able to be a safe parent, or to be kind to me. So I protected you by leaving. That is why your dad is not around anymore.”
“It’s ok to tell mommy when you’re scared, and I’m glad you did. I’m sorry that daddy can be scary sometimes, and I’m here for you to support you and help.”
“It’s not ok for daddy to say those thing to you. I’m sorry he did.”
“Daddy couldn’t be nice to mommy, but he has always been kind to you, and we are both able to be better parents apart.”
“I disagree with what daddy is doing. We will never do that at my house. Thank you for telling me.”
“Daddy had a disease that made him unable to control his behavior. He’s getting treatment now, and we hope that he will eventually be able to be more active as your daddy.”
As you can see, these scripts reflect very different realities.
Readers, do you have any advice?
Take it from a former kid who's been there: Please, please, PLEASE don't try to be "friends" with an abusive ex in an effort to order to keep things "civil."
Do whatever you have to do to stay safe, but you don't have to act like you never got divorced. My mom did that with my dad. She even kept him on her health insurance and let him move into the apartment downstairs from us. The dynamic between them continued even after the divorce. Even after he died, people were telling my mom how sorry they were that her "husband" died even though her longtime boyfriend was standing *right there*. They had divorced almost 5 years previously. It was so gaslighting that I literally felt like I was having a psychotic break.
Zawn, the line "This is a bias in favor of protecting abusers..." is so accurate and what I'm living through right now.
But first, I really wrestled with how to tell my YA daughter about my decision to file for divorce. I didn't want to demonize her dad when I first told her because that would have pushed her more to him. And he is a poor excuse for a father. It's one of the many reasons I'm filing for divorce. He has repeatedly refused to partner with me in parenting, talk about what is best for our struggling daughter, enforce boundaries, teach responsibility through chores and contributing to maintaining a home, be there when she needed one of us (he couldn't be inconvenienced)...the list is too long. She's really insightful but she doesn't want to believe her dad is the thorough asshat he is. And on top of it all, my family is acting in a way to protect him! So what story do I begin to tell my daughter while we're all still living in the same house? Any thoughts and advice from Zawn and this community are really appreciated. Thanks.