This is an important piece, Zawn, thank you. I can only read this in short segments because it is 100% what my ex, Chris Barry of the divorce coaching business called "Been There, Got Out," did to me. He is still doing it even though we have been divorced nearly 10 years.
(we have 2 kids in college and he has not paid a single penny towards any of it, not even a notebook). I cannot tell you how sick it made me to read just the first few paragraphs of this article. Ex did sooooo many of the things you listed. I bet he didn't write about any of that in his little book about how "abused" he was in our marriage, lol. I spent nearly all of my savings on basics like food and diapers, ran up credit card debt (my credit rating was 850 when I met him), and had to bail us out of foreclosure because he stopped paying a loan he took out before I even met him. And this list barely scratches the surface. I did not see this as abuse at the time, and I am so grateful to you for educating women about this topic. THANK YOU.❤️
My husband wanted to move back to the city where we met, and where the abuse began. I saw red flags, but didn't realize his behavior qualified as abuse. Now, we're married. We moved back to my hometown for a while. I had a good job that I love and started making decent money. When he wanted to move, I objected, and tried to leave. He took all of my money.
He's the primary bread winner. I'm minimally employed, while I work on a class. My old career didn't work out so well, and I don't want to step back into that field (nursing). I don't want to be in this city.
He wants to buy a house. I don't feel comfortable buying a home with him. I wish we parted ways along time ago, so that we could each go down some healthier paths. I just don't feel safe.
I'm also afraid. Afraid because I have some older loved ones who may pass soon, within the next few years. If I inherit money from them, I'm afraid of what he might do with it.
In the US, any inherited money or assets belongs to the person who inherited it, it's not a marital asset and it's not supposed to be divided in a divorce, so open up your own account at a completely different bank so the bank won't touch it to satisfy any overdrafts, etc. he may incur.
I second this. Any inherited money is yours as long as you don't comingle it with your other finances. This includes not using any inheritance to help him purchase a house. Keep it totally separate.
Are you working toward divorce? Do you have an active nursing license? Even if that’s not the career you want to have forever, it pays enough to free you!
Edited to add:
I say that in the hope that it will help you see that you are strong and have resources you can leverage to free yourself. Please don’t think I’m criticizing your choices or believe I know what’s best for you.
thanks. My license is active, but my mental health is in the gutter. I don't feel safe working as a nurse anymore. I don't feel ok about stepping back into that professional world, when my work isn't at its best. Or facing the drama from other nurses.
Financial abuse can continue after the divorce is final too. My former spouse refuses to divide assets effectively trapping me in the marital home with him as a disabled person on a fixed income who doesn't drive. I cannot afford decree enforcement, force the sale of the house (and even if I could force the sale, I'd lose a lot more money because it needs repairs just to bring it up to code, which he us refusing to do), legal aid isn't taking decree enforcement cases and I've already exhausted pro bono options, the divorce was first filed in 2019.
I managed our finances and I made twice his salary for 15 years out of 27 before I became disabled, but he doesn't think I deserve any of the assets we wouldn't have were it not for my financial prowess. My reward? He's cost me $18,000 so far and I've lost $25,000 worth of property through theft and damage. I can't recover and I can't move out. So now I just wait until one of us dies of natural causes. No agency will help, I've tried for several years. No one cares because he's not physically abusing me.
Reading this, I thought of the money spent on my wedding and how much more useful it would have been in a private bank account when I needed to escape. I wish we could normalize contributijg to an escape fund instead of giving wedding gifts.
I’ve been a widow for over 10 years now and this is painful because I loved my husband but I can see that this is what was happening to me during our relationship. We both went through periods of unemployment during the early part of our relationship but it really came to a head when I stayed at home for the first year of our child’s life. He was really irresponsible with money and withheld information about what money we had (or didn’t have)
Now, there is absolutely no way in hell I would ever combine my money with someone else’s, and I tell my daughter to NEVER give anyone access to her finances. It makes it so much harder to get out when you want to leave.
Great article and one I was really looking forward to reading! My thoughts immediately go to how critically important context is that Zawn mentioned. There are some great examples in this article.
For my situation, I feel like the abuse was even more subtle than that (I was married to the "bumbling nice guy"). For most of our marriage, I earned 2-3x more than my ex. I also handled ALL of the finances through the duration of our marriage. He essentially refused to participate in any discussions regarding money, and by way of ignoring it, forced me to make all financial decisions (how to pay off debt, where to save money, how much money to try to save, how to budget, what our financial goals were, etc). I tried everything to get him to just sit down with me for 15 minutes every couple of months to talk about our finances, and he refused. He always turned the tables and said things like, "I trust your judgement. I know you'll make great choices!"
But, what I found to be abusive was that, he would purchase basically whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. I used to joke about how weird it must feel as an adult to just swipe your debit or credit card, and have no idea what the balance is in your account. Because I was managing the finances, I was deeply committed to ensuring that our household was moving forward positively, which meant that while he was out buying whatever he wanted for himself, I was skipping out on buying things I would have enjoyed for myself. It was such a subtle nuanced version of one of the examples that Zawn wrote, it took me a long long time to see that this was a pattern that was hurting me. Because, we always had enough money for essentials like housing, food, utilities, etc. We had enough because we always earned enough, and because I always made sure to sacrifice just enough for the household.
One of the most shocking things about getting divorced for me was how much money I suddenly had... Because it wasn't being spent as fast as it was coming in the door.
I had a similar situation... my then bf complained about his car loan and money in general, so I thought he had no money after paying his bills. He moved to my flat, I paid for vacations and even clothes. Also for groceries if I saw there wasn't much money left for the rest of the month. He then after 4 years surprised me talking about his new play station + 3 games order, it was just 500€!! I had just paid alone a 700€ bill, alone, because "well... you know... money...". He also seemed embarrassed so I didn't push it. I knew he earned less than me and he had a car loan, not much more.
I got mad and broke up with him two weeks later. I couldn't trust him. He moved out and I knew I'd be more than fine. I'd have to pay the rent alone but it was just me I had to take for, so my savings grew and grew and grew. He then tried to win me back by looking at me with a very sad expression. It was pathetic
Honestly, all they can do is center themselves, in everything, even in money! He knew you would just "take care of it", so he did whatever he wanted, with zero regard to what you needed or wanted. I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself!
Watch out for the gamblers, too. Many years ago now, my dad used to go to a casino, but he never revealed how much money he was losing. He ended up in credit card debt to the tune of around $50k, and mum only found out because he eventually went to Gamblers Anonymous. GA's first instruction is that you have to tell your spouse/partner. Then he wanted mum to agree to take out a second mortgage on their house to pay off the credit card. She said no, luckily for her. He ended up taking jobs in other states that paid well so he could pay the debt, but he also divorced mum as a result.
My husband wiped all of our joint accounts and rerouted his paychecks to a secret account I had no access to, to keep me from being able to pay for a car I bought against his wishes. We are now separated and going through a divorce. Yet, he just purchased his new girlfriend a jeep, and he is having the payments for it automatically drafted from our shared account. And he did all of this while pursing a bogus adultry claim to avoid paying alimony. It’s all so unfair and ridiculous.
I tried to take the money he put in for her car payment and he threatened to press charges, plus I didn’t want to look unstable to the judge, so I put it back.
This is a situation where you really need to consult your lawyer. At the very least I would take any money that is yours out of the account. After all, he did the same to you with no legal consequences.
I unfortunately do not have an attorney. I can’t afford one. I’m a stay at home mom with a 3yo. All I can do for work right now is Amazon flex because I can’t afford childcare. And he makes $80k a year. I was able to get a temporary protection order with child support because he sexually assaulted me. So he then went and got an attorney to file divorce on me first, under a bogus adultery claim to avoid alimony, and I have no attorney to guide me, and no one will do a free consult. So I’m quite literally fucked.
Joint account funds are jointly each of yours. Take half the money out and hire an attorney today. Do not take legal advice from your abuser. It's not a crime to use your own money.
There is no more money in the account. He keeps it at 0 and only transfers money to it from his secret account after he has overdrafted the account. I can see the activity but I have no access to anything. I’m not even sure why he is doing it that way. Why doesn’t he just use the card connected to his new secret account ? It feels like he’s trying to rub his spending in my face
This is an important piece, Zawn, thank you. I can only read this in short segments because it is 100% what my ex, Chris Barry of the divorce coaching business called "Been There, Got Out," did to me. He is still doing it even though we have been divorced nearly 10 years.
(we have 2 kids in college and he has not paid a single penny towards any of it, not even a notebook). I cannot tell you how sick it made me to read just the first few paragraphs of this article. Ex did sooooo many of the things you listed. I bet he didn't write about any of that in his little book about how "abused" he was in our marriage, lol. I spent nearly all of my savings on basics like food and diapers, ran up credit card debt (my credit rating was 850 when I met him), and had to bail us out of foreclosure because he stopped paying a loan he took out before I even met him. And this list barely scratches the surface. I did not see this as abuse at the time, and I am so grateful to you for educating women about this topic. THANK YOU.❤️
I think I'm experiencing this right now.
My husband wanted to move back to the city where we met, and where the abuse began. I saw red flags, but didn't realize his behavior qualified as abuse. Now, we're married. We moved back to my hometown for a while. I had a good job that I love and started making decent money. When he wanted to move, I objected, and tried to leave. He took all of my money.
He's the primary bread winner. I'm minimally employed, while I work on a class. My old career didn't work out so well, and I don't want to step back into that field (nursing). I don't want to be in this city.
He wants to buy a house. I don't feel comfortable buying a home with him. I wish we parted ways along time ago, so that we could each go down some healthier paths. I just don't feel safe.
I'm also afraid. Afraid because I have some older loved ones who may pass soon, within the next few years. If I inherit money from them, I'm afraid of what he might do with it.
In the US, any inherited money or assets belongs to the person who inherited it, it's not a marital asset and it's not supposed to be divided in a divorce, so open up your own account at a completely different bank so the bank won't touch it to satisfy any overdrafts, etc. he may incur.
Absolutely it is your separate property. If you haven’t left him by then, use the money to leave him. That’s a nice example of “F you money.”
thank you for this advice.
I second this. Any inherited money is yours as long as you don't comingle it with your other finances. This includes not using any inheritance to help him purchase a house. Keep it totally separate.
thank you for this advice.
Are you working toward divorce? Do you have an active nursing license? Even if that’s not the career you want to have forever, it pays enough to free you!
Edited to add:
I say that in the hope that it will help you see that you are strong and have resources you can leverage to free yourself. Please don’t think I’m criticizing your choices or believe I know what’s best for you.
thanks. My license is active, but my mental health is in the gutter. I don't feel safe working as a nurse anymore. I don't feel ok about stepping back into that professional world, when my work isn't at its best. Or facing the drama from other nurses.
I understand that for real! Please consider your options,
though. Don’t give up. You need you.
thanks for the advice.
I really would like a career change out of healthcare, but need to save up some more money first.
Financial abuse can continue after the divorce is final too. My former spouse refuses to divide assets effectively trapping me in the marital home with him as a disabled person on a fixed income who doesn't drive. I cannot afford decree enforcement, force the sale of the house (and even if I could force the sale, I'd lose a lot more money because it needs repairs just to bring it up to code, which he us refusing to do), legal aid isn't taking decree enforcement cases and I've already exhausted pro bono options, the divorce was first filed in 2019.
I managed our finances and I made twice his salary for 15 years out of 27 before I became disabled, but he doesn't think I deserve any of the assets we wouldn't have were it not for my financial prowess. My reward? He's cost me $18,000 so far and I've lost $25,000 worth of property through theft and damage. I can't recover and I can't move out. So now I just wait until one of us dies of natural causes. No agency will help, I've tried for several years. No one cares because he's not physically abusing me.
Reading this, I thought of the money spent on my wedding and how much more useful it would have been in a private bank account when I needed to escape. I wish we could normalize contributijg to an escape fund instead of giving wedding gifts.
This is useful. Thank you for writing it. I've already shared it with one client and can think of several others I could share it with.
I’ve been a widow for over 10 years now and this is painful because I loved my husband but I can see that this is what was happening to me during our relationship. We both went through periods of unemployment during the early part of our relationship but it really came to a head when I stayed at home for the first year of our child’s life. He was really irresponsible with money and withheld information about what money we had (or didn’t have)
Now, there is absolutely no way in hell I would ever combine my money with someone else’s, and I tell my daughter to NEVER give anyone access to her finances. It makes it so much harder to get out when you want to leave.
Great article and one I was really looking forward to reading! My thoughts immediately go to how critically important context is that Zawn mentioned. There are some great examples in this article.
For my situation, I feel like the abuse was even more subtle than that (I was married to the "bumbling nice guy"). For most of our marriage, I earned 2-3x more than my ex. I also handled ALL of the finances through the duration of our marriage. He essentially refused to participate in any discussions regarding money, and by way of ignoring it, forced me to make all financial decisions (how to pay off debt, where to save money, how much money to try to save, how to budget, what our financial goals were, etc). I tried everything to get him to just sit down with me for 15 minutes every couple of months to talk about our finances, and he refused. He always turned the tables and said things like, "I trust your judgement. I know you'll make great choices!"
But, what I found to be abusive was that, he would purchase basically whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. I used to joke about how weird it must feel as an adult to just swipe your debit or credit card, and have no idea what the balance is in your account. Because I was managing the finances, I was deeply committed to ensuring that our household was moving forward positively, which meant that while he was out buying whatever he wanted for himself, I was skipping out on buying things I would have enjoyed for myself. It was such a subtle nuanced version of one of the examples that Zawn wrote, it took me a long long time to see that this was a pattern that was hurting me. Because, we always had enough money for essentials like housing, food, utilities, etc. We had enough because we always earned enough, and because I always made sure to sacrifice just enough for the household.
One of the most shocking things about getting divorced for me was how much money I suddenly had... Because it wasn't being spent as fast as it was coming in the door.
I had a similar situation... my then bf complained about his car loan and money in general, so I thought he had no money after paying his bills. He moved to my flat, I paid for vacations and even clothes. Also for groceries if I saw there wasn't much money left for the rest of the month. He then after 4 years surprised me talking about his new play station + 3 games order, it was just 500€!! I had just paid alone a 700€ bill, alone, because "well... you know... money...". He also seemed embarrassed so I didn't push it. I knew he earned less than me and he had a car loan, not much more.
I got mad and broke up with him two weeks later. I couldn't trust him. He moved out and I knew I'd be more than fine. I'd have to pay the rent alone but it was just me I had to take for, so my savings grew and grew and grew. He then tried to win me back by looking at me with a very sad expression. It was pathetic
I'm glad you no longer have to deal with that!
Honestly, all they can do is center themselves, in everything, even in money! He knew you would just "take care of it", so he did whatever he wanted, with zero regard to what you needed or wanted. I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself!
Watch out for the gamblers, too. Many years ago now, my dad used to go to a casino, but he never revealed how much money he was losing. He ended up in credit card debt to the tune of around $50k, and mum only found out because he eventually went to Gamblers Anonymous. GA's first instruction is that you have to tell your spouse/partner. Then he wanted mum to agree to take out a second mortgage on their house to pay off the credit card. She said no, luckily for her. He ended up taking jobs in other states that paid well so he could pay the debt, but he also divorced mum as a result.
My husband wiped all of our joint accounts and rerouted his paychecks to a secret account I had no access to, to keep me from being able to pay for a car I bought against his wishes. We are now separated and going through a divorce. Yet, he just purchased his new girlfriend a jeep, and he is having the payments for it automatically drafted from our shared account. And he did all of this while pursing a bogus adultry claim to avoid paying alimony. It’s all so unfair and ridiculous.
Can you take all the money out of the account?
I tried to take the money he put in for her car payment and he threatened to press charges, plus I didn’t want to look unstable to the judge, so I put it back.
This is a situation where you really need to consult your lawyer. At the very least I would take any money that is yours out of the account. After all, he did the same to you with no legal consequences.
I unfortunately do not have an attorney. I can’t afford one. I’m a stay at home mom with a 3yo. All I can do for work right now is Amazon flex because I can’t afford childcare. And he makes $80k a year. I was able to get a temporary protection order with child support because he sexually assaulted me. So he then went and got an attorney to file divorce on me first, under a bogus adultery claim to avoid alimony, and I have no attorney to guide me, and no one will do a free consult. So I’m quite literally fucked.
Joint account funds are jointly each of yours. Take half the money out and hire an attorney today. Do not take legal advice from your abuser. It's not a crime to use your own money.
There is no more money in the account. He keeps it at 0 and only transfers money to it from his secret account after he has overdrafted the account. I can see the activity but I have no access to anything. I’m not even sure why he is doing it that way. Why doesn’t he just use the card connected to his new secret account ? It feels like he’s trying to rub his spending in my face