"For him to have truly changed, all of the following must be present. If any of these are absent, or are only intermittently present—such as when he apologizes for his behavior, then later blames you for it—then he is not committed to change: "...
My ex has done none of these things.
He is stuck in anger, blame, triangulation, deflection, seeking justifiable (to him) "answers" and "reasons". We still share a social group connection. Although he is currently not speaking to me as I am "so negative", and actively ignores me, he spent two hours last night actively turned away from me at the bar and chatting up a new woman. It was actually amusing to watch. He was obviously trying to make me jealous AND was indulging his own ego.
This is SO good. When I left my ex and he begged for me to reconsider saying he had changed. I told him I truly hoped he did and that would be so good for our relationship as exes and co-parents. Almost immediately he came back and said since you won’t take me back now I’m going to destroy you. It almost seems unbelievable except it really did happen.
Same here. As soon as he realized I was not coming back, a switch flipped and he went after everything, tried to destroy the bond I have with our daughters, asked for 3x the amount of alimony due, got angry when the judge called him on his bs, so hacked into my bank account & stole money from me. It is infuriating and I am sorry you are dealing with this.
I would also add don’t be fooled by him saying he is going to therapy. Therapy means basically nothing if he doesn’t show other changes to back it up. He will likely just lie to his therapist and learn more sophisticated ways to gaslight you.
Ultimately, if a man has truely learned the error of his ways, he’ll recognize how harmful he was to you and not approach you to let him back into your life. He would take a good long time away from dating and approach any new relationships in a different way.
Mine promised to go to therapy, took 5 months to find a therapist, said he didn't know what to talk about it therapy, and when I noticed the claims not coming into our insurance he lied and said he moved to a cahs-only provider, then, in family therapy, lied to me and our family therapist about going for A YEAR! Finally, after the family therapist pushed for accountability, he admitted he lied about going and said it was easier for him to lie to me and others about going because he said I would judge him if he was simply honest about stopping. honestly it is dizzying the lengths these jerks will go to to keep a lie going.
Thank you so fucking much for existing.
Super valuable post
I love how applicable this is to other types of relationships. It works just as well for formerly abusive family members.
"For him to have truly changed, all of the following must be present. If any of these are absent, or are only intermittently present—such as when he apologizes for his behavior, then later blames you for it—then he is not committed to change: "...
My ex has done none of these things.
He is stuck in anger, blame, triangulation, deflection, seeking justifiable (to him) "answers" and "reasons". We still share a social group connection. Although he is currently not speaking to me as I am "so negative", and actively ignores me, he spent two hours last night actively turned away from me at the bar and chatting up a new woman. It was actually amusing to watch. He was obviously trying to make me jealous AND was indulging his own ego.
This is SO good. When I left my ex and he begged for me to reconsider saying he had changed. I told him I truly hoped he did and that would be so good for our relationship as exes and co-parents. Almost immediately he came back and said since you won’t take me back now I’m going to destroy you. It almost seems unbelievable except it really did happen.
Same here. As soon as he realized I was not coming back, a switch flipped and he went after everything, tried to destroy the bond I have with our daughters, asked for 3x the amount of alimony due, got angry when the judge called him on his bs, so hacked into my bank account & stole money from me. It is infuriating and I am sorry you are dealing with this.
SO TRUE!
How do we listen?
I would also add don’t be fooled by him saying he is going to therapy. Therapy means basically nothing if he doesn’t show other changes to back it up. He will likely just lie to his therapist and learn more sophisticated ways to gaslight you.
Ultimately, if a man has truely learned the error of his ways, he’ll recognize how harmful he was to you and not approach you to let him back into your life. He would take a good long time away from dating and approach any new relationships in a different way.
Mine promised to go to therapy, took 5 months to find a therapist, said he didn't know what to talk about it therapy, and when I noticed the claims not coming into our insurance he lied and said he moved to a cahs-only provider, then, in family therapy, lied to me and our family therapist about going for A YEAR! Finally, after the family therapist pushed for accountability, he admitted he lied about going and said it was easier for him to lie to me and others about going because he said I would judge him if he was simply honest about stopping. honestly it is dizzying the lengths these jerks will go to to keep a lie going.