The weaponization of neutrality, and other ways abusers groom allies

Supremacy culture can only work when bystanders support abusers.

Abuse is the weaponization of existing systems of power to harm an individual or group of individuals. This is why it’s so much easier for men to harm women, for white people to harm Black people, and for parents to harm children. The systems that support the harm—or that pass it off as something else entirely—are already in place.

Our social relationships serve as one such system. The communities we build can support us to leave abusive relationships. Tragically, they more typically rally around the abuser, gaslight the victim, and make leaving much more difficult.

This is true of all abusive systems. We see it when everyone is loyal to the abusive boss who has done nothing for any of them. We see it when women align with men against other women. When abusive men turn women’s families and friends against them. When white people weaponize respectability politics to convince others not to listen to the Black people they victimize.

Just as patriarchy cannot survive without the complicity of lots of women, individually abusive dynamics cannot survive without the support of bystanders. These bystanders include family members and friends, but also lawyers, judges, CPS workers, domestic violence advocates, and many others. Survivors of every variety cannot thrive when the systems and people who should help them support their abusers instead.

So how do abusers garner such support in the first place? Understanding the dynamics of how abusers groom allies can help you recognize when you are being groomed, and may even help you intervene early when your abuser seeks to recruit allies.