How can I be a better feminist when I'm dating? Feminist Advice Friday paid subscriber bonus
A reader finds her feminism ends where her dating life begins.
A reader asks…
I was raised in an abusive and strongly patriarchal household in the eighties. All my long term relationships have been abusive in one sense or another, and I find myself wanting to stay single as a mother in my 40s because relationships have never been enjoyable, and I feel I’m partially to blame for that.
I’m a bad feminist in a relationship. I tend to fawn and adjust to what men want. For example, I find I change how I dress according to preferences of a partner. One partner appreciated my cooking, so even though I hate it, I found myself in the kitchen (even though he never cooked himself). I have many embarrassing examples, most of which are rooted in a question ‘what would he think?’. I can’t say I struggle anywhere near as much with other relationships in the same way. I generally don’t give a shit what others think.
What I’d like to ask you is, how do I become a better feminist? I read feminist literature, I discuss the weight of living in a patriarchy with (some) friends… but there’s clearly something missing at my very core to ‘believe’ something, but have such a hard time actually living it.
One of the reasons I’m asking is that in talking with other women, the broader tension between knowing it and living it doesn’t feel entirely unique to me. We all know there’s a problem (even if it’s household inequality, not my fawning bs), we don’t like it, but we’re either living it, or thinking we have a very stereotypical role to play by default.
Thank you