How can I better support the cause of feminism? Feminist Advice Friday

Readers worry that they're not doing enough to build a better world for their kids.

A reader asks…

This is actually multiple reader questions. At least a dozen women have contacted me recently asking how they can be better feminists. These letters share a few things in common:

• The writers express guilt that they’re not doing enough.

• Many feel that their jobs are boring, and that they should be doing more meaningful work.

• Most feel overwhelmed by the problems of the world. They feel paralyzed and unsure of where to start, then guilt over this paralysis.

• Each writer expresses their own struggles with trauma, and time constraints that make it difficult for them to meaningfully commit to activism.

My answer

Years ago, when Justice Anthony Kennedy retired, sounding the death knell for abortion rights in the United States, I wrote a piece I called Authoritarianism Thrives on Demoralization. It was all about protecting your own mental health as a first priority, and as a necessary prerequisite to making any meaningful change in the world.

Without exception, the biggest changemakers I know are also the most committed to self-care. They guard their free time. They sleep. They take time and space to shut out the world, and to take a break from the many evils and forms of suffering they cannot control. I have not watched the news or had a television in five years. It’s no coincidence that my own activism has taken off in those five years, and that my mental health has improved dramatically, even as I expose myself more and more to the suffering of other women, and take on more responsibility for ending it.

What I wrote in that long-ago piece is still true: unjust worlds depend on the demoralization of the best among us. You must, before you do anything else, guard against your own hopelessness, because as long as we still have a world we can still have hope. The people who tell you it is hopeless, that the world is ending, are not your allies. Yes, we must be realistic about the problems of the world, but we cannot allow realism to overwhelm our capacity to keep trying.

Clinging to hope begins with self-care, including turning off the news, tuning out anything that makes you feel overwhelmed, and finding ways to cultivate joy.

So how do you make meaningful change?

Start with your own tiny corner of the world.

Kindness is not activism, but it absolutely does matter. Seize every opportunity you can to treat people with kindness and dignity. The mere act of doing so can make you feel better about yourself and the world, inspiring you to do more and better. Tell people how much they matter to you. Be effusive with your praise, with your love, with your giving. Be the person who makes life better for others. The purpose of activism is to improve the world, and you can start by making the world as good as possible for the people you encounter every day.

So what can you do to be a better feminist?

First, ditch the guilt. Guilt in this context serves no purpose but to paralyze you. You are doing the best you can. Some phases of life are more amenable to lots of activism than others. Trust yourself that you are trying. Trust that those around you are trying, too.

Next, start with just one thing. None of us can solve all of the problems of the world. I care deeply about animal welfare, environmental justice, ending the death penalty, disability rights, and a myriad of other issues. But I have learned that my time and talents are best spent on inspiring mothers to live better lives and working on issues of reproductive justice. So I donate money to the causes I care about, but focus my own work on the causes where I believe I can do the most good.

Pick something. It might be something where you have talent or skill. If you’re a highly empathetic person or have a mental health background, for example, you might sign up to volunteer at a rape crisis hotline. Or it might be that you sign up for what’s available. Maybe there’s an active group in your area that already has projects going. Just find something and do it.

Remember also that the most important activism isn’t always the most visible, or the most exciting. A lot of people feel bad about not going to protests. Protests are important, but they’re not for everyone. Others are ashamed that their jobs aren’t feminist enough, or feminist at all. But work is just one aspect of your life. Not everyone can have a feminist job, and this is completely ok.

Here are some strategies I recommend to steadily increase your activism and your impact:

• If you have financial resources, know that money is almost certainly the most valuable thing you can contribute. Give generously. If you’re making $250,000 a year, don’t let me catch you donating $20 to someone’s desperate GoFundMe. Your money can change lives. Keep less of it and give away more. And remember that the biggest impact often doesn’t come with a tax deduction. Giving directly to individuals in need can change lives, futures, and the world.

• The personal is always political. Spend less time arguing with sexists on Facebook and more time advocating for people who need it. Stand up against racism, ableism, and other forms of abuse at work and beyond.

• Consider your child’s school, and the role you might play in spearheading change there. Consider how to support teachers and recruit them as allies rather than attempt to override their authority or criticize their work (except, as always, when doing so is necessary for the cause of justice).

• Volunteer. Your local domestic violence shelter, rape crisis hotline, homeless shelter, or other community organization needs you. Feminism doesn’t have to be your paid work. You can still make it an important part of your life’s work.

• Get involved with a local activist organization. Indivisible is great. But a lot of communities have their own organizations that are the point of first contact for activist events.

• Consider what needs changing in your community. Is a school discriminating against disabled children? Is a hospital coercing women into unnecessary birth interventions, or delaying care for BIPOC women? Working on these apparently small issues can save and change lives.

Perhaps most importantly, remember that feminism is a movement to support the oppressed, and particularly oppressed women. As a member of an oppressed class, you should spend more time assessing what you need from feminism than you do assessing what you owe it. Feminism exists for you, not the other way around.

Life is full of seasons and shifts, and for most mothers of young children, especially those who work and/or have unsupportive spouses, activism may have to take a backseat for a few years.

Motherhood is an act of resistance, too. You are raising the next generation, which is a necessary prerequisite to the success of feminism and the existence of the future.

Mothers are the resistance.