How can I set boundaries with my partner?
On setting clear boundaries that don't involve threats to leave
Photo by Kevin Butz on Unsplash
A reader asks…
What are some boundaries we can set with our spouses that stop short of threatening to leave? I see so many discussions of boundaries, but I also feel that an immediate threat to leave isn’t appropriate in all contexts. What sorts of boundaries should we consider?
My answer…
A reader actually posted this in the comments to a post, which I can no longer find because Facebook is rarely fully functional these days. So if this is you, thank you for the exceptionally thoughtful question.
Boundaries have become a trendy topic in the self-help community, with a lot of people obsessing over exactly how many boundaries they can draw and how many people against whom they can enforce these boundaries. I don’t think this is healthy. Relationships are intimacy-seeking endeavors, and the healthiest relationships don’t need a lot of visible boundaries.
When I think on my relationship with my husband, I initially have trouble identifying any boundaries at all, because we just sort of naturally respect each other without much need for enforcement. Rest assured, though, those boundaries are there. It’s understood that we can’t hit each other or call one another names. He knew that complaining about his own exhaustion when I gave birth to our children would be totally unacceptable.
So I guess what I’m saying is that, when things are going well in a relationship, the boundaries are often invisible. It’s good to talk about expectations in a relationship, but you might not need these conversations to happen very often if you’re both basically respectful of one another and share similar values.
When you’re thinking about boundaries, one or more of the following is likely happening:
The person has already violated a stated boundary (like by cheating).
You have a significant divergence of values (such as when one of you wants to let the baby cry it out and the other is strongly opposed to this).
You are being mistreated, and looking for a way to stop it.
Your partner is gaslighting you to make you think that a normal, typical, healthy expectation (like that he help raise the children he made) is unreasonable.
So before we even get into setting these boundaries, I think it’s important to be honest about why you need them, or why the need for them has suddenly become more visible.
So what about setting boundaries? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:
Boundaries are not for the other person. They’re for you.
Boundaries are rules about what you will do if the other person harms you, attempts to harm you, or ignores your needs. They’re not threats or punishments. They’re strategies to protect yourself.
Some general boundaries that you can make more specific to your situation include:
A resolution not to react to specific behaviors. For example, if your partner agrees to get up with the baby every night, but acts mad about it, you might ignore the behavior rather than trying to fix it, especially if you believe the anger is a manipulative tool designed to get you to tell him nevermind.
A commitment to ignoring certain behaviors. Behaviors we don’t reinforce in others often go away. For example, if your spouse continuously texts you when you’re out with friends because they want to control you, you could just ignore the texts, or commit to responding only every hour or two.
A plan for how you will respond to problematic behaviors. A lot of boundaries involve planning ahead of time the scripts you will use when someone does something mean or unkind or harmful. For instance, the next time your spouse complains about a meal you’ve made, you might tell him that he can either stop complaining or make the meal himself.
A clear and specific conversation for things you need (or don’t need). People who love us should know what we want without a lot of discussion, right? Nope. You can live with someone for years, adore them more than life itself, and still fundamentally misunderstand their needs, especially when those needs deviate from dominant cultural scripts. Setting boundaries should always begin with identifying your needs, then clearly and specifically communicating them to your partner.
Another way to decide which boundaries you need is by asking yourself some of the following:
What are my most important values, and how is my relationship a reflection of them? What do I expect my partner to do without thinking or questioning? For a lot of people, these values center around honesty, monogamy, and basic love and support.
What can I do to protect myself from my partner’s shortcomings? What actions can I take to make these shortcomings feel less harmful?
Does my partner know what I need? Am I sure?
How can I build in more support for sticking to my boundaries?
What am I willing to do if my partner does not honor my boundaries?
As always, we are smarter as a group so please share your own suggestions in the comments.