How can I talk to my child about death? Feminist Advice (paid subscriber bonus)
If we don't talk to kids about death, they'll grow up to be adults who ignore and abuse the bereaved.
A reader asks…
I finished listening to your “Parenting for an Emotionally Healthy Future” episode on your podcast. When it got to discussing the topic of death to our children, you made several statements:
“It’s hard for us as adults to think about death.”
“If [religious beliefs] are your sole source of comfort, that can become a problem if your child rejects those beliefs because then they also will not get any comfort those beliefs offer.”
Those were statements that I needed to hear and would appreciate, if possible, if your thoughts shared on the podcast could be a little more expounded on to help me navigate this topic as I’m conversing with my 6 year old son.
He’s become very sensitive to the idea of death lately: He cries when he sees a dead bug and wants to help it.
He asked me recently while we were driving by a cemetery on the way to church if we can buy flowers and put them on people’s resting places there (we did).
He thinks about my late close friend who passed away this year and his great grandmother who passed away last year. He asks questions like, “but why do we have to die?” and “are they with God now?”
I not only give him the answers I was taught by my Christian faith, I also tell him we will always carry their love with us and how all living things must die. But I honestly feel like I short change my son because I myself am ill-equipped based on my personal fear of death.
So when you said, “Get clear about your own values, your own attitudes, and make sure you don’t bring your own panic about death into those conversations,” it was a wake up call and something I need to reckon with. I’ve always feared it since I was a teenager and cannot pinpoint a defining moment of realization about why that illogical fear became my burden to carry throughout life.
I love life. The word “life” fills me with so much hope, purpose, and meaning. I love the possibilities that life offers. I love encountering people. I love the small mundane moments. I love everything about it.
And I think that’s why my fear of the inevitable is so profound—because death is the antithesis of life. Losing loved ones feels like experiencing gaping wounds that won’t heal and remain opened.
Thinking of my family’s, my child’s, and my own inevitable departure for too long becomes almost crippling. You spoke intimately with me when you mentioned, “Fears of death are usually just fears of separation.”
And that’s why I cannot adequately sit with and navigate alongside my son about this heavy topic. But he deserves a healthy, balanced, truthful, and non-patriarchal way of understanding death.
I need to let go of fear’s hand because it’s crushing mine. I need to accept this reality.
May I have advice on discussing this with him, please?