How do I help my kids manage screen time? Feminist Advice Friday
A reader wonders whether and when to limit screen time.
A reader asks…
I have elementary school-aged kids and a young teenager, and need some guidance about teenagers.
My concern is primarily with the oldest, who just got his own phone.
His life now centers around this device, he can spend hours per day on it. He mostly watches YouTube gamers but I've heard him say he watches gym bros sometimes as well (I am concerned about the sexism as well as the diet/exercise culture there). I’m worried as he's suddenly become less interested in participating in activities.
The eldest two also have a Nintendo Switch and I try to limit time because they aren't as active as they "should" be.
I guess my questions are: how can I help them set healthy limits? Is it a case of quality vs quantity? Am I just projecting my own worries and they'll learn to manage?
My answer
This is going to be a much longer answer than usual, because I think our culture grossly oversimplifies the screen time discussion, and pretends that the research is clear when it is not.
You will never find an unbiased answer to questions about screen time. So let me start by disclosing my own bias:
I hate television. My husband and I only recently installed a television in our living room, and our children’s lives have been mostly screen-free. I hate the expectation of rapid responses on smartphones, and think constant access to them is incredibly harmful.
But I am also a neurodivergent person who could not fall asleep without television for most of my life. I tried mightily, but it was the only salve for my anxiety and insomnia.
There is no evidence-based advice that will apply to every person or every family when it comes to screens. So I encourage a holistic approach—looking at the child, their specific use of screens, the family’s needs, and more.
Contrary to popular belief, The American Academy of Pediatrics does not set a specific screen time limit, and argues that there is not credible research supporting a blanket limit. Common Sense Media points to the importance of the type and quality of screen time a child has access to rather than the mere presence of screens.
Some studies have found that heavy electronic use correlates with negative outcomes in children, but heavy electronic use also correlates with lower socioeconomic status, less parental involvement, less time spent reading, etc. There’s little evidence that electronics alone are the source of the harm.
While plenty of studies suggest a link between violent media and violent behavior, not all do, and there’s little evidence that non-violent media causes violence.
Exposure to princess media correlates with increased stereotypically feminine behavior, and this type of media is obviously a prime source of indoctrination into marriage culture.
Some video games—those that don’t include high violence or gender role indoctrination, for example—may offer significant benefits.
And screens can have a calming, mood-balancing effect, especially for autistic people. Naomi Fisher (whom all parents should be reading anyway) covers this more extensively here.
Rather than establishing specific limits, I encourage families to develop their own rules around screen time. Here are some of ours:
We never have the television or screens on as background noise when we are doing something else. I think there’s a compelling argument to be made that this is terrible for attention, and especially bad for neurodivergent folks.
We do not have screens out when we’re interacting one-on-one, such as at dinner.
We do not eat while watching screens.
We allow occasional screen binges. My oldest loves to watch Gilmore Girls and craft for hours.
If we see that screens are negatively impacting things, we turn them off.
We don’t do screens in the car, or during family activities because we want our kids to learn to function without screens.
My toddler doesn’t generally watch TV, except for five minutes of Bert and Ernie while I brush her teeth, and an occasional movie night with her sister. Our oldest gets probably an hour of screen time a day.
Here are some factors I encourage you to explore as you decide how to manage screens in your home:
Understanding what’s happening on a screen
I think kids’ access to screens should be directly proportional to their ability to correctly use them, and to understand what’s happening on the screen. So for example, there’s no reason for a baby to watch TV, or for a child who can’t read to have access to a smartphone. Older children should only be allowed access to the extent they can use screens correctly. A child who gives out personal information to strangers on social media, for instance, is not yet ready for social media.
Reducing harmful exposures
When your kids are little, you can completely control their access to potentially harmful media—princess bullshit, racist garbage, gendered stuff, violent media. And because you can, you should. As your kids get older, it’s going to be more about harm mitigation. If your preteen is obsessed with gym bros, you may need to limit his screen time. But I see no reason to place a limit on screen time when kids are using screens to learn or self-regulate.
I do think certain uses of screens are almost always harmful (with some exceptions, because there are no absolute rules here):
Using screens in restaurants instead of using these outings as an opportunity to teach kids how to behave in public.
Using screens at the dinner table rather than engaging as a family.
Using screens for very short periods of time. Random bursts of screen time, IMHO, damage attention.
Replacing other activities with screens. If kids suddenly don’t want to do anything else, it’s time to limit screen time, or schedule screen time for specific blocs during the day.
Control, freedom, screens, and behavior
Our generation of parents feels massive pressure to treat our children as products. We are told that our children’s mental health, happiness, success, and more are all directly tied to how we parent. It’s true that we play an important role, but the pressure means that many of us feel a need to control everything. I know 17-year-olds whose parents read every message they send, and it seems most adolescents have little to no expectation of privacy.
This is not healthy. We have to prepare children to enter an imperfect world, and that means giving them progressively more independence. Rigidly controlling screen time only creates needless conflict, and deprives your child of the chance to learn how to control their own time. It’s about balancing freedom and control, and making adjustments based on results, not arbitrary outside guidelines.
I recommend the following:
Occasionally give your child completely unfettered and uncontrolled access to screens (in an age appropriate way, of course; a six-year-old does not need unsupervised internet access). But do so when there’s no real consequence to spending all day on a screen. For example, if you and your spouse need to clean the house or meal prep, that’s a great time to let your kids go wild with screens.
Place general limits on screen use. For example, you might limit screens at bedtime, or not allow a television in your child’s room. But avoid specific time limitations.
Make screen decisions based on what your child wants to watch, and how it affects their behavior. Don’t impose rules for no reason. Our job as parents is to control only as much as is necessary.
Make life away from screens fun. When your kids can’t drive, make their own plans, or control much about their own lives, we as parents have an obligation to teach them how to enjoy themselves away from screens. That means curating fun days, taking them places they want to go, and generally showing that screens do not have to be the most enticing thing about life.
Screens dividing attention
Screens can divide attention in both healthy and unhealthy ways. A lot of kids use screens as company and noise when they’re doing something else, like crafting. As long as there are no negative effects, I think this is harmless. A child who is not limiting other activities in favor of screens, or who is doing healthy activities in front of screens, does not need screen time limitations.
But there are unhealthy forms of divided attention, too. Screens need to be off when you’re trying to talk to one another, eating together, or having company over who is not watching something with you. If screens are constantly on in the background, it can damage attention and cause sensory overload. Keep screens on only for a specific purpose.
Assessing individual effects
Ultimately, every child is an individual, and it’s all about assessing individual effects. Which means the rules must change and evolve with your kids.
So to answer your question: There’s no such thing as a general healthy limit. Healthy limits are whatever your child needs. For your oldest, that might mean scheduling designated times of the day during which he can choose to watch screens, then turning them off at other times, since it seems like screens are encroaching on daily life.
Ultimately, it’s about moderation. I disagree with those who think that, just because kids enjoy it in the moment, kids should get unlimited screen time; not all effects are immediately apparent. But parenting is a journey of relinquishing control, which means we should not make rules where none are necessary.
Observe your kids. They’ll show you what they need.
We are all wiser when we pool our knowledge, so please share your own thoughts in the comments. To ask a question of your own, please email zawn@zawn.net. Questions are always anonymous.
I work for a parenting podcast and we had Ash Brandin on as a guest awhile ago. They are @thegamereducator on IG and are an excellent resource for learning about kids and screen time. Below is the link to our episode and their IG.
https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/fresh-take-ash-brandin-the-gamer-educator/
https://www.instagram.com/thegamereducator?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
I'm an "unlimited screen time" parent and always have been. My oldest will be 14 this summer, and we have 3, so while obviously not statistically valid I've noticed some trends.
Our kids get more screen time in the winter than the summer, because in the summer, they're outside.
It's almost always their last choice, fallback activity vs their first choice, unless they're doing something social - like my oldest being on a call with his close friends, or my youngest being excited when a new spiderman video game is released and he can play online with his buddies, or my middle anxiously awaiting the release of a new movie or season of a show to watch with her friends.
Because it's not otherwise limited, and it's always been what we've modeled, there has never been issues with screens at restaurants, or at dinner, or at other inappropriate times.
They also spend a ton of time self-educating on screens. YouTube videos about space, apps like Brilliant and Skillshare to teach math, science, computers, cooking, baking, and more, even YouTube game walk throughs support problem solving and logic skills.
One of the best lessons I received as a parent when my kids were young was that the more something is limited, the more they'll want it, and the more disruptive that desire will become. And while sometimes we have to offer other activities because the screen time is causing challenges, we never explicitly limit it - which makes the kids feel like they can come back to it any time.
Though I have lots of things I wish I could do better as a parent, the screen time thing is one area I think we've done okay specifically because we basically followed this advice from day one.