How do I tell the difference between abusive and merely bad behavior? How do I know if he can change? Feminist Advice Friday paid subscriber bonus

A reader wonders if therapy will help, or if her relationship is abusive.

A reader asks…

What determines crossing the line between: 1) a person's treatment of a partner being unacceptable requiring change if the relationship is to continue, but with the potential of their learning through appropriate couples therapy to see their behavior and commit to changing it; and 2) abuse that means any attempt at couples therapy at that point in time is inappropriate even if the person says they are committed to following the lead of the therapist and taking responsibility for their behavior and their part in the relationship?