How to choose a good partner: Tips for women contemplating marriage
How to choose a healthy marriage before it's too late.
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I’ve been counseling women to leave inequitable marriages for years. Many readers are unable to envision marriage without unfair treatment and inequality, and have accused me of being anti-marriage.
I think marriage should be a choice. I think marriage can be a powerful avenue for self-actualization, and I think partnerships can be great. I also think far fewer women should get married, because the average man sucks, and the typical marriage is terrible for the woman. But good marriages are possible. To claim otherwise is to insist that men are innately terrible, and that if women want to have children with men they must give up on the possibility of happiness and joy.
I’m not willing to give up on a better world, because I know that a good marriage can be a radical force for good in the world. I know that because I have been happily married to the love of my life for more than 10 years. We’ve had three children together, and are still obsessed with each other.
I’m lucky. But I was also very thoughtful about marriage. I looked around me and saw that most women were miserable in their marriages. I didn’t think hope was a viable strategy. So I got really proactive about choosing a partner.
The painful truth is that, once you have kids with someone, you are stuck with them in some form or another. Even if you leave, you may have to deal with their abuse for decades. Choosing a partner is the most important decision you will ever make, particularly for women who intend to have children. Choosing wrong can cost you dearly, and hoping things turn out ok is almost always a recipe for failure. Please don’t plunge headfirst into marriage until you know exactly what you are getting. Everyone deserves a good marriage. No one deserves to spend the rest of their lives with an abusive loser—or worse, with an abusive loser who uses their kids as a tool of abuse.
Sometimes, men do really become assholes after kids arrive. More often, the warning signs were there from the beginning. So what do I think you should look for in a partner? All of the following need to be present—not just some—or you need to run: