I'm a holiday guest at homes where the women do everything and men relax. Feminist Advice Friday paid subscriber bonus
A reader feels bound by the rules of patriarchy not to push back too hard--but she's sick of it.
A reader asks…
As the holidays approach, I fill with dread anticipating the dilemma I face at each holiday gathering. As a childless adult woman with a full-time job, limitless interests and very limited energy, time off work is very precious to me, and I try to be very careful to prioritize meaningful experiences and limit commitments that wear me down and sap time away from loved ones. In that spirit, my contributions to holidays often involve spending money rather than time on things like food and gifts. I will pick up something premade to bring to Thanksgiving or Christmas rather than spending time planning, shopping, and cooking.
That already seems to offend other women who are participating in the same gatherings, even if I offer to treat them to a premade dish so they don’t have to pay OR cook and we can spend more time together in leisure rather than frantically prepping.
Likewise, when it’s time to clean up and the men all parade to watch the game while the women face a mountain of drudgery, I hate to support that system but also don’t want to be as bad as the men. My own contributions are easy cleanup since they are low or no prep, but the homemade dishes tend to require a lot of cleanup.
Should I just minimize my own cooking but accept I will need to be a part of other women’s extensive prep if I want to be supportive of those women? Likewise, should I just accept my lot as a woman who cleans up even though the men don’t? (Absolutely no one wants me to call the men out or try to rock the boat in any way.)
On a personal note, having EXTRA chores on DAYS OFF makes me want to opt out of holiday gatherings altogether. Does that make me as bad as men who say women choose to do a ton of unnecessary and unimportant work and ruin the holidays?
Sincerely, The Grinch
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