Zawn, could you expand on this? "However, I only do this when someone stands to benefit. When the sole purpose of talking about feminism is to create conflict, then talking about feminism harms me, wastes my time, and undermines my relationships."
I understand that you're not getting in fights with dudes in your comments section or on social media. But are you also saying you won't get into feminist topics when you're at Thanksgiving dinner, or at a school board meeting? Could you parse that out a little more?
My feminism is front and center in most of my relationships, but I don't trot it out when it serves no purpose but to endanger or harm people. I'm not going to fight about gender roles at a family funeral, for example.
There's a certain enthusiasm with which new-to-activism folks approach the movements they support: wearing everything on their sleeve, fighting with everyone, and often positioning themselves as authorities, wielding their activism as a cudgel. This is harmful, and I don't do it.
Zawn, I love your work. It inspires me, validates my feelings, makes me go “ooh yeah, that’s exactly what I’m trying to articulate”, and sometimes it makes me consider things from a new angle. Over this last year though, I've noticed a pattern of my hackles rising at a certain point: mums being asked not to stay home at all costs. I’m a “stay at home” mum - I put it in quotations because days go past when my children and I barely touch base long enough to grab a meal and have a kip! When I first noticed your articles asking women to not stay home, I initially filed them as irrelevant to me, then I started to feel guilty that I couldn't “do it all”. But today I wanted to try unpick a few things in my brain related to this issue, and I want to share my findings with you, because I hope you’ll help me put it into context. If you have time. I really appreciate your time.
I want to be a stay at home mum. I think it is important feminist work. Because I am building an amazing village to support me and my kids become enlightened, psychologically healthy people who can change the world. It consumes my whole being to even come close to feeling like I am achieving this. I honestly don’t know how I could have a paid job on top of this. I am physically and mentally exhausted just keeping up this level of good enough mothering and human-ing!
My values lead my life, most importantly this particular one (that really has a thread running through every facet of life): being at peace with myself, my planet and my fellow people. So, this involves home educating my children. Because, as a former teacher, I can vouch for the system not having the same goal. The school system upholds the rat race lifestyle, pitting people in competition against each other and abusing the planet in order to consume more luxury goods that signify to others one’s worth and success within the system. By removing myself and never exposing my kids to this, I feel I am holding tight to my values. But this choice also means I have to create (from scratch as I had no home educated acquiantances, let alone friends) a support network who have similar values. This is time consuming. I have succeeded, more or less. Phew! So that was a few years of immense emotional slog.
Home educating has taken over my entire life. By choice. And I love it. I honestly love facilitating meet ups, gathering with like minded friends, pursuing hobbies that improve our friendship with animals and the earth etc etc etc. It makes my soul happy. I mean, yeah, it is bloody hard work holding it all together and feeling solely responsible for my kids education. But I honestly feel I am the best person for the job. I don’t want to be separated form village building with my fellow feminists who want to raise empathetic cycle breakers. Here comes the catch… you guessed it…who is paying for our board and lodgings while we do all this? Yes, our male partners. So, where am I going wrong? Should I be fighting for basic universal income, no strings attached? Then I wouldn't need a man’s paycheck to facilitate my village of feminists?
I honestly believe, having read many things by many people, and witnessing firsthand throughout my own teaching career, that schools are harmful in so many ways. Harmful to kids, to parents, the environment, the staff. Perhaps I should be fighting to reform the school system? But I honestly believe that schools themselves are the problem. I have come to believe that children (and then by extension, entire communities) would be better off being raised by their own parents alongside a hoard of friends and helpers. But this means one parent needs to be always available at all times. How do we facilitate that (In a patriarchal world)?
Thanks for reading this far. I hope that I’m managing to get across what I mean inside my own head!
I agree with almost everything you've said here. My opposition to stay at home motherhood is based solely in the reality that it makes women dependent on men. I don't like it. I don't like the choices we have to make. But in this particular political climate, this is the reality. I actually attended school with my child for a full year. Schools are broken. So much is broken. But when we cannot support ourselves in abusive relationships, so much more can break.
So, from that, I'm thinking... because I'm in a position of privilege (a non-abusive relationship with kids father) that I should continue to do what aligns with my values, and feel less of a failure for not seeking paid work?
And maybe look more into the basic universal income? I don't really know anything about it, just that it sounds like a solution. Hmmm.
I do advertise it on my lawn and on my car, even though I know that it puts me in danger. Why I do I think it's still important to do? Because it gives a visible, identifiable message to others that they are not alone, and because representation is important.
Thank you for giving tangible steps, really appreciate your writing
🤯👏👏👏 Zawn you just get better and better with these hard-hitting guidance pieces. Thank you
Zawn, could you expand on this? "However, I only do this when someone stands to benefit. When the sole purpose of talking about feminism is to create conflict, then talking about feminism harms me, wastes my time, and undermines my relationships."
I understand that you're not getting in fights with dudes in your comments section or on social media. But are you also saying you won't get into feminist topics when you're at Thanksgiving dinner, or at a school board meeting? Could you parse that out a little more?
I will definitely be rereading this piece 👏
My feminism is front and center in most of my relationships, but I don't trot it out when it serves no purpose but to endanger or harm people. I'm not going to fight about gender roles at a family funeral, for example.
There's a certain enthusiasm with which new-to-activism folks approach the movements they support: wearing everything on their sleeve, fighting with everyone, and often positioning themselves as authorities, wielding their activism as a cudgel. This is harmful, and I don't do it.
Zawn, I love your work. It inspires me, validates my feelings, makes me go “ooh yeah, that’s exactly what I’m trying to articulate”, and sometimes it makes me consider things from a new angle. Over this last year though, I've noticed a pattern of my hackles rising at a certain point: mums being asked not to stay home at all costs. I’m a “stay at home” mum - I put it in quotations because days go past when my children and I barely touch base long enough to grab a meal and have a kip! When I first noticed your articles asking women to not stay home, I initially filed them as irrelevant to me, then I started to feel guilty that I couldn't “do it all”. But today I wanted to try unpick a few things in my brain related to this issue, and I want to share my findings with you, because I hope you’ll help me put it into context. If you have time. I really appreciate your time.
I want to be a stay at home mum. I think it is important feminist work. Because I am building an amazing village to support me and my kids become enlightened, psychologically healthy people who can change the world. It consumes my whole being to even come close to feeling like I am achieving this. I honestly don’t know how I could have a paid job on top of this. I am physically and mentally exhausted just keeping up this level of good enough mothering and human-ing!
My values lead my life, most importantly this particular one (that really has a thread running through every facet of life): being at peace with myself, my planet and my fellow people. So, this involves home educating my children. Because, as a former teacher, I can vouch for the system not having the same goal. The school system upholds the rat race lifestyle, pitting people in competition against each other and abusing the planet in order to consume more luxury goods that signify to others one’s worth and success within the system. By removing myself and never exposing my kids to this, I feel I am holding tight to my values. But this choice also means I have to create (from scratch as I had no home educated acquiantances, let alone friends) a support network who have similar values. This is time consuming. I have succeeded, more or less. Phew! So that was a few years of immense emotional slog.
Home educating has taken over my entire life. By choice. And I love it. I honestly love facilitating meet ups, gathering with like minded friends, pursuing hobbies that improve our friendship with animals and the earth etc etc etc. It makes my soul happy. I mean, yeah, it is bloody hard work holding it all together and feeling solely responsible for my kids education. But I honestly feel I am the best person for the job. I don’t want to be separated form village building with my fellow feminists who want to raise empathetic cycle breakers. Here comes the catch… you guessed it…who is paying for our board and lodgings while we do all this? Yes, our male partners. So, where am I going wrong? Should I be fighting for basic universal income, no strings attached? Then I wouldn't need a man’s paycheck to facilitate my village of feminists?
I honestly believe, having read many things by many people, and witnessing firsthand throughout my own teaching career, that schools are harmful in so many ways. Harmful to kids, to parents, the environment, the staff. Perhaps I should be fighting to reform the school system? But I honestly believe that schools themselves are the problem. I have come to believe that children (and then by extension, entire communities) would be better off being raised by their own parents alongside a hoard of friends and helpers. But this means one parent needs to be always available at all times. How do we facilitate that (In a patriarchal world)?
Thanks for reading this far. I hope that I’m managing to get across what I mean inside my own head!
Sending lots of love,
Mel
I agree with almost everything you've said here. My opposition to stay at home motherhood is based solely in the reality that it makes women dependent on men. I don't like it. I don't like the choices we have to make. But in this particular political climate, this is the reality. I actually attended school with my child for a full year. Schools are broken. So much is broken. But when we cannot support ourselves in abusive relationships, so much more can break.
Hey! Thanks for replying, much appreciated.
So, from that, I'm thinking... because I'm in a position of privilege (a non-abusive relationship with kids father) that I should continue to do what aligns with my values, and feel less of a failure for not seeking paid work?
And maybe look more into the basic universal income? I don't really know anything about it, just that it sounds like a solution. Hmmm.
I do advertise it on my lawn and on my car, even though I know that it puts me in danger. Why I do I think it's still important to do? Because it gives a visible, identifiable message to others that they are not alone, and because representation is important.