Men: Are you really a feminist? Here's how to tell.
How men can assess their own behavior to become better feminists and disavow patriarchy
If you’re a man living in a patriarchal society, then it is inevitable that your sexist conditioning will hurt women—that is, until you acknowledge and begin to fix it.
It’s increasingly popular for men to identify as feminists. Yet rates of domestic violence, rape, household labor inequity, wage inequality, harassment, and other measures of sexist violence remain remarkably unchanged. This is due, at least in part, to the fact that identifying as a feminist is easy—and, increasingly, it’s also a way to impress women.
Living a feminist life is much harder. Maybe that’s why so much of the hate mail I get comes from self-described “feminist” nice guys. Women, though, are awakening to the realities of misogyny in motherhood and marriage. Fewer of us than ever before are willing to accept relationships in which we are second class citizens. We are leaving men who can’t evolve behind.
The humanity of women should be sufficient reason to become a better feminist. If it’s not, consider that you’re going to be left behind and explore what you can do to improve your consciousness and your behavior:
Assess your home life
While feminism is a philosophy and an intellectual movement, the philosophy exists to support feminist activism—not to aid intellectual masturbation. Men who care about feminism as a purely intellectual philosophy are weaponizing feminism, usually to build clout and get sex. You’re not a feminist if you’re not living feminism in action.
That begins with how you treat the women you claim to love the most—the woman or women you live with.
Who does the household labor? The parenting? The late nights, middle nights, and early mornings? Who gets rest? Whose leisure time takes center stage?
Not only that, but also: What do you do to support your partner, to elevate and draw attention to their work, to center their experiences and needs?
Would your partner say that you act like a feminist? That you are safe? That you listen? Because she’s likely the person who knows you best, and whose assessment of your behavior is most accurate.
Your exes are a close second to her, so consider what they would say, too.
What would the women who dislike you say about you?
Misogynistic men are rarely sexist to every woman they encounter. They know how to curry favor with women they deem powerful, and how to craft a facade of feminism that gains them friends, careers, and access to sex. So the real measure of whether or not you behave in misogynistic ways is not what your friends and admirers think of you.
It’s what the women who don’t like you think.
People—women—can dislike you for many reasons that have nothing whatsoever to do with misogyny. Maybe they think you’re boring, or talk too much. Maybe you have different interests, different preferences, different friends and lifestyles.
But if a woman thinks you’re a misogynist? Odds are good she’s right. It is infinitely more likely that you have behaved abusively toward her than it is that she is crazy, irrational, or doesn’t understand sexism. Entertain the possibility that you have behaved in unfair or abusive ways, and that this behavior matters—especially if you consider yourself a “nice guy.”
Women you dislike are not disposable. Your sexist actions against them matters. And if multiple women you dislike say you’re a misogynist you almost certainly are. If the most common reason you hear for women’s dislike of you is that you have acted like a misogynist, then you aren’t an ally or a feminist. You’re a danger. The danger you pose is in direct proportion to your inability to see the danger.
Reframe ‘nice’ and ‘ally’ as choices you must make, and as subject to the judgment of women, rather than as identities
You are not a “nice guy.” You aren’t an ally either. You are a person who has the capacity to behave nicely, and to act as an ally, when you choose to do so. But nice and allies aren’t identities you get to permanently claim for yourself.
Identifying as nice undermines your ability to actually be nice. Thinking you’re a nice guy is a defensive posture that serves only one purpose: fighting allegations of sexism and abuse. Men who are actually decent to women listen to women when women complain about them. They understand that every woman who has a relationship with them has had to give them significant grace, since all men pose a potential danger to women.
The people who get to decide if you are a nice guy are women. If there are women who think you’re not a nice guy or an ally, then you’re not.
Look at your social media shares and consumption
Is your Blue Sky, Twitter, or Facebook profile filled with thoughtful articles by thoughtful progressive men? Are you constantly promoting men?
Where are the women’s voices on your social media page? And how do you respond to women who challenge you online? If it’s with anything other than gracious listening, you’re a feminist in name only.
Examine your bookshelf
If your bookshelf is full of men, then your perspective is skewed and your ability to think critically has been undermined. Reading only or mostly men is not an accident; it’s a decision that listening to the voices of the world’s majority is just not important. Fix it so you can fix your brain.
Consider what you do around other men
Your most powerful allyship isn’t on social media, or when you spout the right feminist rhetoric. It’s when women aren’t watching and you have nothing to gain.
How do you behave around other men? Do you disrupt and combat their misogyny, or do you laugh it off and roll your eyes? Do you give men the benefit of the doubt, or do you constantly force them to confront their own bullshit? When there’s something at stake, do you stand up for women, or cowardly slink into the background?
If you’re not using your male privilege to support women and disrupt sexism, then you are actively harming us.
Notice what you notice
Do you notice misogyny happening in public? If not, it’s because you’re not paying sufficiently close attention—a privilege of safety and obliviousness that manhood offers. Ask yourself why you’re not noticing misogyny, when it is literally everywhere. Moreover, consider the near certainty that if you are not noticing misogyny, you are actively participating in it.
Recognize that you benefit from oppression and are part of the problem
Patriarchy is a system designed to benefit men at women’s expense. So while it’s true that patriarchy hurts men, especially in their romantic relationships, it is more important for men to acknowledge the ways they benefit from patriarchy. You must be prepared to acknowledge your unearned gains, so that giving them up feels like fairness and not oppression.
Similarly, you must also acknowledge that we are all socialized into patriarchy, and that your own sexist behavior is inevitable. The less willing you are to acknowledge that you are sometimes part of the problem, the more frequently you will be the problem. True feminist consciousness begins with a fearless look at your own behavior. That includes not separating yourself from other men, seeing yourself as special, or expecting women to treat you as a nice guy or an exception to the rule.
Misogyny is a choice. You can only stop making that choice if you first acknowledge that your own participation in misogyny has been harmful.
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"How do you behave around other men? Do you disrupt and combat their misogyny, or do you laugh it off and roll your eyes? Do you give men the benefit of the doubt, or do you constantly force them to confront their own bullshit? When there’s something at stake, do you stand up for women, or cowardly slink into the background?
"If you’re not using your male privilege to support women and disrupt sexism, then you are actively harming us."
THIS ^^^ It's systemic. If you are male and don't confront the system, then you are part of the system by default. (sorry.) Choosing "not to participate" alone, while a nice thought, doesn't cut it. That's like saying you choose to row your own boat, but when you're out on the water. you hoist a sail into the wind anyway.
"Reframe ‘nice’ and ‘ally’ as choices you must make, and as subject to the judgment of women, rather than as identities"
This!!! I've never thought of it this way before but it's so true that once a man labels himself as an "ally" the work pretty much ceases. Like once he's obtained "the status" it can never be revoked.