My husband says family is an exception to rules about consent and bodily autonomy: Feminist Advice Friday
A woman's husband stares creepily at her daughters and touches them without permission.
A reader asks…
I take bodily autonomy for my kids (especially my 3 girls) very seriously. They've never been made to hug anyone, kiss anyone, or dress a certain way (within health and hygiene constraints). When they tell me not to hug or kiss them, I stop immediately. We've gone through periods when they only want to hug my arm, or when they don't want me to call them certain nicknames. With 4 kids, having their own special spaces and possessions respected is also very important, so they each have special stuffies I don't touch without permission, and I don't sit on their beds without being invited. As a result, I feel like they are the cuddliest and most generous with me because they trust that they can always say "no," and it's very rare they have to ask me to stop something.
On the other hand, my husband, who in theory agrees with me about autonomy, in my opinion is often doing little things to violate this trust. My girls have been complaining to me that he pats them on the head without asking even though they've asked him not to, or he looks over their shoulder when they're watching a video even when they ask him to stop, or he moves or touches their prized possessions without permission. Lately my eldest daughter, who doesn't keep her opinions to herself, has been telling him to stop looking at her because he will watch or stare at her in what he believes is an affectionate way but that she finds annoying or uncomfortable.
When she says she has the right not to be looked at when she doesn't want to (and I agree with her), he says "family is different" or things to this effect: that yes, autonomy is important but that family gets to act in ways we wouldn't want friends or strangers to do. When the kids call him out on these behaviors, he rolls his eyes, sighs, makes comments that imply they don't love him, etc. I think this is teaching the girls that a man who says he loves them gets to do whatever he wants, whether or not it makes them uncomfortable, and that asking him to stop makes them ungrateful or unloving.
What do you think? Am I overreacting and is this maybe not a big deal?