My sexual desires conflict with my feminist values: Feminist Advice Friday paid subscriber bonus

A reader wants to learn to like her partner's vanilla, gentle approach to sex.

A reader asks…

I don’t know where else to turn. I’ve discussed this with my therapist and even with a sex therapist, but nothing has quite helped.

Like a lot of women, I’ve been working hard to unlearn the patriarchal conditioning I grew up with. I’ve survived abusive relationships, both physically and emotionally, and am finally in a partnership that feels equal. My partner is a thoughtful, self-aware, feminist man. He’s kind, sensitive, and emotionally in tune. We never argue, we share housework equally—honestly, he sometimes does even more than his share. He talks about how he’d love to be a stay-at-home dad someday, and he’s nurturing in a way that would make him a great father. He’s been incredibly healing for me, soothing old wounds and helping me feel safe, and he’s shown me that truly good men exist.

But here’s the issue: I’m just not that into it sexually. Part of me suspects this might be related to my own conditioning. Even though I intellectually understand that men can and should feel their feelings and be emotionally open, on some level I still expect men to act out certain "masculine" behaviors that patriarchy defines as desirable.

My partner wants our sex life to be about intimacy and connection, while I crave spontaneity, intensity, and even a rougher edge. He likes to focus on my needs, but what excites me is a man who takes charge, who’s assertive and demanding.

I feel lucky to have a partner who embodies so many feminist values—he is, in many ways, what many feminist women dream of. But I find myself drawn to the sexual energy of my past relationships, where there was more immediate attraction, more forcefulness, less vulnerability.

I understand that patriarchy damages men too, especially when it comes to ideas about sex and masculinity. But I still feel drawn to these ingrained ideals—a man who’s always 'ready', who doesn't need foreplay. Someone who’s dominant and even a little selfish in bed and doesn't sheepishly ask for consent. Even if I know I have work to do in this area, I wonder if my sexual preferences can really change. Can I learn to want a man who brings a different kind of energy, or will I always crave this idea of a “manly man” in bed?