I love your work and follow it closely. This is the most powerful piece yet. Sending you so much love and appreciation. I’ve been headed down this path (small children in the mix) and can’t tell you how amazing it was to see all the aspects so beautifully articulated here. Fortifying, empowering. Thank you for telling truths.
Absolutely! My therapist is the same. She’s seen different versions of me thousands of times, she knows how hard it is, and she’s so conscious of this even as she makes it clear that the only way I’ll ever be safe is to eventually leave.
Thank you for writing this. I've told myself I'm quiet quitting ever since I first heard you use the term, but I don't think I really understood what it meant. I think I thought that it meant standing my ground, calling things out, holding him accountable, whilst emotionally detaching myself. I have still been tying myself in knots trying to work out whether his accusations hold any truth. I've still been responding to his false claims to prove him wrong. I've continued holding resentment for having to do so much more than him, and leaving 'his' tasks to build up until he does them.
So today I start anew with this. I will still hold my boundaries, but I will hold them without arguing or telling him. I'll stop trying to win arguments that I can never win anyway. I've been recording conversations that I sense will turn nasty to give me evidence for the divorce court if I need it, so I will continue with that. And I will stop despairing over my house being a mess and him not doing anything, and instead I will keep my home the way I would if he wasn't here. I've already been calling him out in front of my kids when he is wrong and my relationship with them has already improved dramatically. But I will stop trying to 'defend' myself from his accusations or harsh words because it doesn't change a thing and instead I lose hours upon hours every week in pointless arguments and conversations, which suck up all my energy and mean I'm losing clients in my business.
Thank you. I needed to read this. I’m done!!! But I can’t leave yet. I’m working with a DV therapist and slowly building my strength and planning to leave, but I’m not quite there yet. And it’s HELL.
Thank you for this This is making me hold my ground as I’ve already filed for divorce. While my STBX did some physical labor, the mental and emotional load in our relationship was crushing and unbearable. Not to mention the verbal and emotional abuse I received for daring to complain. How dare I not appreciate his very existence in my life and the contribution he makes financially and towards the physical load (which tasks aren’t carried out completely and corners are cut). Sadly, I contributed to this belief early in our relationship by loving on him so much emotionally and accepting so little to nothing in return.
This articulates the dynamic SO well! Thank you! I essentially quiet quit my marriage of 18 years for all the reasons you describe although I couldn’t articulate why I was doing it. I called it “boundaries” at the time and my therapist told me that sometimes boundaries can facilitate change. I basically gave it a nano-second to see if he’d change and when he didn’t I said I was done. I took a LOT of backlash from friends, family, and my church for giving up too quickly and not giving it time for him to learn to change. What I was finally able to articulate in a way that some people got it was that I didn’t want to teach someone how to be kind. Yes, I could maybe do that and yes I could maybe help him learn to be kind and give him ideas and examples. But, for some reason some strong part deep inside of me said no, I just want to be with people who already are kind.
I love this and it explains everything - no, you don’t want to have to teach someone to be ‘kind’ but even more than that, YOU deserve kindness, especially from the person closest to you. My partner has shown me last week just how unkind he can be and funnily enough, it was when I needed him most (a funeral of my Aunty followed by the death of a second cousin not 3 days later). His lack of KINDNESS (support, compassion, love) was absolutely devastating and both our therapists (mine and our couple’s therapist, as let’s be honest, he isn’t going to do his own work) are both looking for ‘reasons’ or ‘excuses’ for his behaviour as they’re as indoctrinated into the patriarchy as he is. Both of them should have said ‘This is not ok and is NEVER going to be ok and do better, and if you can’t, get some help to do so’. But no.
Funnily enough, our couples therapist fired ‘us’, after he swore at both of us & walked out of a session (a pattern of behaviour normally reserved exclusively for me 🙄 And he had the gall to wonder afterwards ‘I wonder why she did that?’ 🤦♀️ My therapist took the feedback and improved but the best news is he moved out in September this year, so I never have to deal with that ever again.
Ooh this was exactly me. If my ex needed to be threatened with a loss that impacted him, suddenly he "cared." No. Care comes from doing something about all the things in our relationship that you know hurt me and that you did nothing about because you thought I'd never leave. Caring doesn't require ultimatums. He only cared about himself.
Wow I’m so glad I found this article. Love the way it’s written and the advice. I’ve been grey rocking for many years in an attempt to save my sanity while in what I felt like was a “holding pattern” until I can safely exit. However, I love the term Quiet Quitting because I really think your description gives me a more tangible definition to remember and advice towards a clearer path to freedom. Thank you!
I do not think I came across such a helpful article in my life. Even after years of individual therapy could not validate my feelings like this piece of writing. Started practicing "quiet quitting" after 10 years of trying to be the person he wants, work my ass off at home and outside, pretending to be happy, pretending that he is the best husband ever, covering up for him to even myself (funny). I was just gaslighting myself.
The first day I realized that my marriage from my end is over and I have to start quiet quitting until I find a way out was devastating. It still is. I find myself breaking down in tears, extremely weak, and unfortunately still in love. The only thing thats different this time though, that I have a proper guideline on how to do this. I know that this sadness is normal and I am still pushing through. Looking forward to reading more articles like this and help myself ad my baby daughter.
I love your work and follow it closely. This is the most powerful piece yet. Sending you so much love and appreciation. I’ve been headed down this path (small children in the mix) and can’t tell you how amazing it was to see all the aspects so beautifully articulated here. Fortifying, empowering. Thank you for telling truths.
Absolutely! My therapist is the same. She’s seen different versions of me thousands of times, she knows how hard it is, and she’s so conscious of this even as she makes it clear that the only way I’ll ever be safe is to eventually leave.
Thank you for writing this. I've told myself I'm quiet quitting ever since I first heard you use the term, but I don't think I really understood what it meant. I think I thought that it meant standing my ground, calling things out, holding him accountable, whilst emotionally detaching myself. I have still been tying myself in knots trying to work out whether his accusations hold any truth. I've still been responding to his false claims to prove him wrong. I've continued holding resentment for having to do so much more than him, and leaving 'his' tasks to build up until he does them.
So today I start anew with this. I will still hold my boundaries, but I will hold them without arguing or telling him. I'll stop trying to win arguments that I can never win anyway. I've been recording conversations that I sense will turn nasty to give me evidence for the divorce court if I need it, so I will continue with that. And I will stop despairing over my house being a mess and him not doing anything, and instead I will keep my home the way I would if he wasn't here. I've already been calling him out in front of my kids when he is wrong and my relationship with them has already improved dramatically. But I will stop trying to 'defend' myself from his accusations or harsh words because it doesn't change a thing and instead I lose hours upon hours every week in pointless arguments and conversations, which suck up all my energy and mean I'm losing clients in my business.
I needed to read this. Thank you.
Absolutely 💯 sending love and strength
Nikkie Wilson, your story is mine. Thank you for writing it down. We’ve got this 💪🍀
Thank you. I needed to read this. I’m done!!! But I can’t leave yet. I’m working with a DV therapist and slowly building my strength and planning to leave, but I’m not quite there yet. And it’s HELL.
Thank you for this This is making me hold my ground as I’ve already filed for divorce. While my STBX did some physical labor, the mental and emotional load in our relationship was crushing and unbearable. Not to mention the verbal and emotional abuse I received for daring to complain. How dare I not appreciate his very existence in my life and the contribution he makes financially and towards the physical load (which tasks aren’t carried out completely and corners are cut). Sadly, I contributed to this belief early in our relationship by loving on him so much emotionally and accepting so little to nothing in return.
This articulates the dynamic SO well! Thank you! I essentially quiet quit my marriage of 18 years for all the reasons you describe although I couldn’t articulate why I was doing it. I called it “boundaries” at the time and my therapist told me that sometimes boundaries can facilitate change. I basically gave it a nano-second to see if he’d change and when he didn’t I said I was done. I took a LOT of backlash from friends, family, and my church for giving up too quickly and not giving it time for him to learn to change. What I was finally able to articulate in a way that some people got it was that I didn’t want to teach someone how to be kind. Yes, I could maybe do that and yes I could maybe help him learn to be kind and give him ideas and examples. But, for some reason some strong part deep inside of me said no, I just want to be with people who already are kind.
I love this and it explains everything - no, you don’t want to have to teach someone to be ‘kind’ but even more than that, YOU deserve kindness, especially from the person closest to you. My partner has shown me last week just how unkind he can be and funnily enough, it was when I needed him most (a funeral of my Aunty followed by the death of a second cousin not 3 days later). His lack of KINDNESS (support, compassion, love) was absolutely devastating and both our therapists (mine and our couple’s therapist, as let’s be honest, he isn’t going to do his own work) are both looking for ‘reasons’ or ‘excuses’ for his behaviour as they’re as indoctrinated into the patriarchy as he is. Both of them should have said ‘This is not ok and is NEVER going to be ok and do better, and if you can’t, get some help to do so’. But no.
Please tell me you've fired those therapists.
Funnily enough, our couples therapist fired ‘us’, after he swore at both of us & walked out of a session (a pattern of behaviour normally reserved exclusively for me 🙄 And he had the gall to wonder afterwards ‘I wonder why she did that?’ 🤦♀️ My therapist took the feedback and improved but the best news is he moved out in September this year, so I never have to deal with that ever again.
Ooh this was exactly me. If my ex needed to be threatened with a loss that impacted him, suddenly he "cared." No. Care comes from doing something about all the things in our relationship that you know hurt me and that you did nothing about because you thought I'd never leave. Caring doesn't require ultimatums. He only cared about himself.
Wow I’m so glad I found this article. Love the way it’s written and the advice. I’ve been grey rocking for many years in an attempt to save my sanity while in what I felt like was a “holding pattern” until I can safely exit. However, I love the term Quiet Quitting because I really think your description gives me a more tangible definition to remember and advice towards a clearer path to freedom. Thank you!
I do not think I came across such a helpful article in my life. Even after years of individual therapy could not validate my feelings like this piece of writing. Started practicing "quiet quitting" after 10 years of trying to be the person he wants, work my ass off at home and outside, pretending to be happy, pretending that he is the best husband ever, covering up for him to even myself (funny). I was just gaslighting myself.
The first day I realized that my marriage from my end is over and I have to start quiet quitting until I find a way out was devastating. It still is. I find myself breaking down in tears, extremely weak, and unfortunately still in love. The only thing thats different this time though, that I have a proper guideline on how to do this. I know that this sadness is normal and I am still pushing through. Looking forward to reading more articles like this and help myself ad my baby daughter.