Relationship green flags: How I chose my spouse, and how we maintain an equitable relationship (paid subscriber bonus)

It's my wedding anniversary! So enjoy an extra bonus for paid subscribers outlining the green flags that I think helped me choose a feminist spouse.

Eleven years ago today, my husband and I had our wedding officiant read a rant about feminism and marriage to 250 people, then committed to spend our lives together. Three years prior, it all began with a weird first date during which I interrogated Jeff about his views on racism, Palestine and Israel, feminism, monogamy, and spending time with women who have high expectations of men.

We’ve been inseparable since, even as my work has become more and more feminist and attracted tons of attention from people who think I hate men.

Jeff’s a lawyer and, like me, an activist. We spent the first year of our relationship defending a local mental health center against an ableist, stigmatizing backlash that essentially wanted to criminalize being poor and mentally ill. The second year of our relationship was spent on the Occupy project, with Jeff overseeing a lawsuit on behalf of Occupy Atlanta. By year three, I was a childless woman staging nurse-ins as punishment for men who tried to control where women could breastfeed. And Jeff was always there to make sure no one got arrested.

Activism is baked into every layer of our marriage. He is as committed as I am to making the world a better place, and to freeing women from the various cages we attempt to lock them in.

So in honor of our wedding anniversary, I thought it might be interesting to talk about some of the green flags I saw (and see) in him. This is a bonus (because it’s the second of the week) paid subscriber bonus (and if it’s popular, I may do more like it).

The only way we get marriage to stop being a tool of oppression is to educate people contemplating marriage about what to look for and what to avoid. Sure, we could end marriage altogether, and I’ve argued before that maybe we should. But that’s not realistic, as some women are always going to want relationships with men.

I have a hard time speaking positively about marriage. That’s because there’s so much indoctrination into the cult of marriage that adding my voice to the cacophony feels dangerous, like I might inadvertently convince young girls to aggressively seek marriage.

I want to be clear that marriage always disadvantages women, even feminist marriages. Jeff could become a terrible sexist tomorrow, and our entire culture would support him in that, and gaslight me. Marriage is always a huge fucking gamble, and you should only consider rolling the dice if there is significant evidence that the man in question is unlikely to become an asshole.

So what were the green flags I identified in Jeff? And what do I think you should look for? Here’s my list. And readers, please consider adding your own green flags, since we’re all smarter and more effective when we combine our wisdom.