Results of the State of Household Inequality Survey Show How Damaging Heterosexual Relationships Are to Women
Just how bad is it? Probably worse than you think
Results of the State of Household Inequality Survey are in, and I’m sad to report that things are way worse than even I thought. As a reminder, this survey specifically polled people in unequal relationships, because I wanted to see how that inequality functions in relationships—what social norms prop it up, how people justify it, whether and when they try to change it.
You can read the survey questions here. While you can still take the survey, I am no longer analyzing the data, so if you take the survey your data will not count! Don’t do it!
About This Survey
I’ve conducted two prior surveys on household inequality, and results from those surveys informed my efforts on this latest survey. I also listened to feedback from my readers. Some important points to keep in mind include:
This is not a scientific survey with a representative sample. I don’t have the resources for that. But many, many surveys—including some published in scientific journals—use unrepresentative samples. So I consider this a starting point for research, not the final word. Don’t treat it as the final word.
I suspect that my audience skews strongly in two directions: I have more readers who are strongly feminist and who have left shitty spouses and/or who demand more from their spouses. I also have a ton of readers in profoundly bad marriages. I don’t know if the two cancel one another out. But there is a strong pull in favor of bad marriages and in favor of feminist ones among my readership.
I’ve tried to deliver the results in several different formats. I’m including a number of images for people who prefer to take in information in this format. These are designed to be shareable (so they make reference to the survey and include a link back to my Substack). Because images can be inaccessible, though, I have also written out the information each image contains. You have my permission to share these images, but only if you credit me and link back either to my Substack, my Instagram, or my Facebook.
This survey specifically looked at unequal relationships because I’m interested in understanding how those dynamics work. Inequality is not inevitable. I’m in an equitable relationship. I share this because I think it is important to emphasize that men can do better. This is not natural or innate. It is learned. It is a choice. It is fixable. But if you want to #notallmen me, take your concern to the Not All Men Hotline instead. If you’re realized that #notallmen is nonsense and graduated instead to claiming it’s not just men, the Not Just Men Hotline can help.
Finally, this email is really long because there’s a ton of data. So if you’re receiving this message in your email, your email server may truncate it. Just click on the link to view in the web browser when you reach the end.
How Unequal are Unequal Marriages?
One of the most common responses to complaints of marital inequality is that it’s not a hill worth dying on. Who wants to get divorced over a pile of dishes?
As it turns out, a lot of women do. That’s because unequal marriages are profoundly unequal. They rob women of significant time, resources, and opportunities. So maybe we should stop joking about it, stop giving women useless advice, and start acknowledging that men are stealing women’s lives.
I am releasing the data early to paid Substack subscribers. Everything below the “subscribe” button is for paid subscribers. Unpaid subscribers will have access to the data in two weeks.
Collecting and analyzing this data is a lot of work. So too is writing about marriage, relationships, and grief. I do this work because I love it, and 99% of my work is free. But a small $5/month fee helps fund my work. So if you value my work and can afford it, I hope you’ll consider becoming a paid subscriber. If you don’t want to pay, you can become an unpaid subscriber. You’ll get a notification in two weeks when the data is available!