Coercive control expert Emma Katz talks with me about coercive control as inherently abuse of the child, and how protective mothers can better protect themselves and their children.
How does one get a judge, in particular, but even lawyers to listen to this, at the very least? This coercive control discussion and the extreme dangers of stockpiling weapons and brandishing weapons and making threats towards me in front of my toddlers, etc. that was exactly my relationship. System betrayal is exactly what I am still going thru. They won't listen to my individual voice; how does one start overwhelming these people with these voices?
IMO you can’t force people to care. They’re doing a day job, reaffirming their lack of concern, and going to home to relax.
That said, it seems the plays are 1) being a squeaky wheel with documenting, reporting everything as they happen while doing as much as practical to keep your children safe or 2) relocating out of the country to one that does not recognize The Hague convention.
If you need help with 1) Kaitylin Jorgensen on instagram is very helpful and worth the money to figure out how to tackle getting your needs communicated to the legal system so that eventually those people do their actual jobs. She fills a gap that can’t be filled just by retaining a lawyer and hoping for the best.
No matter what that the system won’t help you is not your fault. They seem to not care even after the odd lawyer or judge is gunned down because some man wasn’t happy with the court outcome.
I wish there were some like marketing campaign though to at least start undermining the myths of, for instance, always needing a father in a child's life. We can do this stuff in business, but where it really matters is just not happening... MADD, I guess
Oh, Jennifer. I am so sorry. That’s a huge thing to have to deal with - logistics, emotions, mental thinking, telling children and providing a safe space for them to process this trauma.
I am so sorry you’re going through this new challenge. I hope you’re working with a very good , compassionate, empathetic therapist who is trained to help with trauma.
I don’t know what to say but I am so sorry this is happening to you. It must be extra painful with how complicated your relationship was. I sincerely hope you are surrounded by supportive and understanding people.
Oh my gosh. This is a FANTASTIC podcast. I love the new perspectives on what I have been taught to call “love bombing,” and how that is ALSO abuse. Wow.
So much information in this podcast. Thank you.
So glad to have the option to listen. Thank you for this option.
My eyes are in pain a lot of the time and I am trying to build my life from nothing now, for a few years. And it was so nice to be able to spend time cleaning up the back yard today and watering my plants and newly planted tree while I listened. Thank you for this !
This was so good, and so hard to listen to. I'm a survivor mom to two teenagers (one almost 20) and a 16 year old. They both "chose" me when we were going through a horrendous divorce when they were 13 and 10. "Chose" in quotes, because that was not an option from the courts. We plowed through the very broken court process, complete with alienation charges and threats to put me and the kids in jail, and we survived. I am extremely close to both my kids. I fought with my ex their whole lives for the right to bond with them, and although it escalated abuse, I am so very thankful I did. Only one thing I wanted to add -- in the beginning when you were talking about the types of punishments -- physical, sexual, financial, anger, etc., I just wanted to add that pouting, the silent treatment, and emotional disconnection can also be used as punishment. This process is very covert. Looking back it's so clear to me now that in this dynamic I was consistently "trying to be better" to avoid those things. I mean, what a great "partner" I must have been, someone who was figuring out how to be good enough for 18 years of marriage. It just makes me sick now.
Would like to add my relationship with my kids got progressively better the longer he was gone. I do grieve the years we lost, but all I can do now is move forward.
Thanks Angie, yes silent treatment can absolutely be punishment. You are your children are warriors for surviving. Sending you all my respect and good wishes.
I can't wait to listen to this when my kiddos are in their parenting time with their Dad this weekend. Earlier this week I received the emailed newsletter from Dr. Emma Katz titled: 5 Ways That Domestic Violence and Coercive Control Victim-Survivor Moms Are Great Mothers— and read it the evening a female (now) acquaintance has been staunch in victim-survivor blaming and turned to publicly shaming me, my lived experiences and that of my children. Furthermore, the person believes I am a Satan mother per the scriptures of some religious viewpoint. Ending this comment to say, being seen in way Dr. Emma Katz has studied and shares has been helpful to dismantle lots of areas I have experienced with my children's father as well as them. Happily divorced now after 17 years with full legal custody and shared physical custody.
I’m a nurse and was married to a physician. 15 years of marriage, he became physically violent for the first time. Blamed it alcohol to our son when he asked questions and got older. I had to break it to my son that, no, your dad wasn’t drinking at the time that it happened. He did quit drinking after it happened but I think it was just to feel a sense of self control during Covid.
Sadly, there were red flags within a year of our marriage as soon as we moved in together. Even the mental health professional, doesn’t recognize these signs.
Yup I did feel it was my fault. I wasn’t supportive enough even though I received zero support once we got married
How does one get a judge, in particular, but even lawyers to listen to this, at the very least? This coercive control discussion and the extreme dangers of stockpiling weapons and brandishing weapons and making threats towards me in front of my toddlers, etc. that was exactly my relationship. System betrayal is exactly what I am still going thru. They won't listen to my individual voice; how does one start overwhelming these people with these voices?
IMO you can’t force people to care. They’re doing a day job, reaffirming their lack of concern, and going to home to relax.
That said, it seems the plays are 1) being a squeaky wheel with documenting, reporting everything as they happen while doing as much as practical to keep your children safe or 2) relocating out of the country to one that does not recognize The Hague convention.
If you need help with 1) Kaitylin Jorgensen on instagram is very helpful and worth the money to figure out how to tackle getting your needs communicated to the legal system so that eventually those people do their actual jobs. She fills a gap that can’t be filled just by retaining a lawyer and hoping for the best.
No matter what that the system won’t help you is not your fault. They seem to not care even after the odd lawyer or judge is gunned down because some man wasn’t happy with the court outcome.
I wish there were some like marketing campaign though to at least start undermining the myths of, for instance, always needing a father in a child's life. We can do this stuff in business, but where it really matters is just not happening... MADD, I guess
Excellent content as always. Thank you Zawn and Dr. Katz for sharing.
My husband committed suicide two days ago.
We were separated because he physically assaulted me in front of our two small kids. I hadn’t spoken a word to him in ten months and now he’s gone.
Mental illness. Alcoholism.
Now I have to tell my kids their dad is gone.
Heavy.
Oh, Jennifer. I am so sorry. That’s a huge thing to have to deal with - logistics, emotions, mental thinking, telling children and providing a safe space for them to process this trauma.
I am so sorry you’re going through this new challenge. I hope you’re working with a very good , compassionate, empathetic therapist who is trained to help with trauma.
I don’t know what to say but I am so sorry this is happening to you. It must be extra painful with how complicated your relationship was. I sincerely hope you are surrounded by supportive and understanding people.
Big hugs.
Oh my gosh. This is a FANTASTIC podcast. I love the new perspectives on what I have been taught to call “love bombing,” and how that is ALSO abuse. Wow.
So much information in this podcast. Thank you.
So glad to have the option to listen. Thank you for this option.
My eyes are in pain a lot of the time and I am trying to build my life from nothing now, for a few years. And it was so nice to be able to spend time cleaning up the back yard today and watering my plants and newly planted tree while I listened. Thank you for this !
This was so good, and so hard to listen to. I'm a survivor mom to two teenagers (one almost 20) and a 16 year old. They both "chose" me when we were going through a horrendous divorce when they were 13 and 10. "Chose" in quotes, because that was not an option from the courts. We plowed through the very broken court process, complete with alienation charges and threats to put me and the kids in jail, and we survived. I am extremely close to both my kids. I fought with my ex their whole lives for the right to bond with them, and although it escalated abuse, I am so very thankful I did. Only one thing I wanted to add -- in the beginning when you were talking about the types of punishments -- physical, sexual, financial, anger, etc., I just wanted to add that pouting, the silent treatment, and emotional disconnection can also be used as punishment. This process is very covert. Looking back it's so clear to me now that in this dynamic I was consistently "trying to be better" to avoid those things. I mean, what a great "partner" I must have been, someone who was figuring out how to be good enough for 18 years of marriage. It just makes me sick now.
Would like to add my relationship with my kids got progressively better the longer he was gone. I do grieve the years we lost, but all I can do now is move forward.
Thanks Angie, yes silent treatment can absolutely be punishment. You are your children are warriors for surviving. Sending you all my respect and good wishes.
I can't wait to listen to this when my kiddos are in their parenting time with their Dad this weekend. Earlier this week I received the emailed newsletter from Dr. Emma Katz titled: 5 Ways That Domestic Violence and Coercive Control Victim-Survivor Moms Are Great Mothers— and read it the evening a female (now) acquaintance has been staunch in victim-survivor blaming and turned to publicly shaming me, my lived experiences and that of my children. Furthermore, the person believes I am a Satan mother per the scriptures of some religious viewpoint. Ending this comment to say, being seen in way Dr. Emma Katz has studied and shares has been helpful to dismantle lots of areas I have experienced with my children's father as well as them. Happily divorced now after 17 years with full legal custody and shared physical custody.
This was excellent! Thank you for sharing the reality and pushing back against many myths surrounding this topic. Thank you both 🌸🌸
I’m a nurse and was married to a physician. 15 years of marriage, he became physically violent for the first time. Blamed it alcohol to our son when he asked questions and got older. I had to break it to my son that, no, your dad wasn’t drinking at the time that it happened. He did quit drinking after it happened but I think it was just to feel a sense of self control during Covid.
Sadly, there were red flags within a year of our marriage as soon as we moved in together. Even the mental health professional, doesn’t recognize these signs.
Yup I did feel it was my fault. I wasn’t supportive enough even though I received zero support once we got married